Today is a better day than yesterday, or it was. I set an alarm for 6:00 AM, but I slept right through it and lost over an hour of daylight. I still haven’t been sleeping well and waking up is getting harder again. I do have the morning routine down so it’s easier to get moving, get cleaning, or writing, or reading, or whatever I feel like doing.

My wife had a long work conference this afternoon, which always makes me feel a little more shut in and stuffy. I have to try to keep quiet and the “creativity room” become off limits to me. The walls close in and this small space grows more suffocating. Not only that, but I am jealous. Even though she is working, she gets to interact with people outside of this house. I can hear laughter. I can hear them asking after each other’s health and catching up over current events. It made me feel overly sensitive and irrationally hurt and somewhat ashamed.

Afterward an old friend of hers invited her to join their family happy hour party on Zoom and the feelings only deepened.

Of course, I can always reach out to my own family and friends and organize a Zoom meeting or video chat if I wanted to, but it always feels better to be the one invited rather than the one doing the inviting, doesn’t it? I know that isn’t right, or it shouldn’t be. I know that if I want to feel less alone, I have to be the one to make the first move and I think I really will. I’d like to plan a virtual version of our old “Margarita Fridays” we used to have with our friends next week. I’d like to plan a Sunday family day too, but I don’t really know how to plan it, yet.

Published by

Lisa Marie Blair

Painfully aware. Profoundly afraid. Perpetually falling in and out of love with humanity. She/They.

One thought on “107//366”

  1. Did you plan your margarita night yet? I feel the same as you about planning… but what I have discovered in the last few weeks is that a text message that says “Hey, lets have margaritas together on zoom friday at 9” is VERY well received by friends and family alike. ❤


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