008 // Less Like a Friday

I’ve never had a Friday feel less like a Friday than this Friday did. In fact, this Friday felt more like a Monday than most Mondays do.

All employees returned to work at once for the first time since the beginning of November and it was…overwhelming. Of course everyone wants to know how you have been, how you spent your holidays, how is your family, and how you have been coping. It’s fine if you have one, or two, or even 10 coworkers, but to have 50 or more stop you for the same stories is exhausting.

Thankfully, there are quiet corners to retreat into and solo tasks that keep me busy and keep the others at bay.

I’m feeling a little down on myself. Looking back over my journal and planner, I can see I’ve failed to meet a lot of my goals this week. It’s been hard with my health in decline again and with work ramping up. I know I shouldn’t have expected to be perfect, but I did expect to do better. I spent too much time on my phone playing games and doomscrolling Twitter.

And how could I not? After the week we’ve had in this country, I think it’s probably entirely understandable that I struggled to feel motivated or focused on my goals or my work. Of course, when the world is falling apart, your willpower and willingness decline. Your priorities shift. Your needs shift.

I’m trying hard to remember that even without the dystopian images on the screen and the hopelessness creeping in, it is only the first week of the year and no one is expecting me to work so hard but me. I’m trying to remember that there is more to life than check marks and time blocks and even if I didn’t read or write as much as I wanted, I did laugh and I felt loved and maybe some weeks that’s more important than the work.

008//366

The weight of my chronic illness is pressing on me, exhausting and depressing me. I can’t move, see, or think past my body today. Just recently I was feeling so proud of this body. I was beginning to not just consider it part of me but to love it a little too. Today though it is nothing but meat and misery I’m forced to drag around and long to be rid of.

I always feel like this on the day’s I have a doctor’s appointment. Today’s was both good news and bad. We’ve settled on a plan that goes past “wait and see”. I’ve waited and though what we have seen has been an improvement, it has been far too slow and too little to consider it a success. So, a little more wait but in the meantime there is will at least be actions to take.

This new plan is better than the one proposed to me a few weeks ago though it means some big changes. I’ll be back on an infusion medication and there will be a lot more wait and see to come. There are a lot of unknowns on the horizon too. Medication that may or may not work, side effects that may or may not manifest, and old symptoms that may or may not resurface. It’s a lot to worry about, and especially hard not to think about when you are supposed to be managing your stress levels.

I’m trying to remember that I am one of the lucky ones. I have support. I have healthcare. I can work. My condition is manageable. I will get through it and it will be okay.