030 // Love to Lift Me

I’ve been feeling stuck again. I’ve been feeling lost and when I go in search of direction by retreating into my mind expecting to meet that old chatter of questions and conversation I used to hear nearly constantly, I’m instead met with near complete silence.

I cry out into that dark ether asking: Is anyone is there? Can anyone can hear me? Can anyone can help me?

In response, I catch only fragments. Parts and pieces of sentences and thoughts with no context or meaning I can decipher. I think all the parts and personalities I’m made of are tired. I’m physically, emotionally, spiritually exhausted.

And I am sure I’m not the only one. The pandemic coupled with never ending political infighting has left us all groping not just for meaning, but connection and change too. Something has to get better and in order for that to happen, someone has to give sometime.

We’d all hoped 2021 would bring the relief without requiring the usual work. We deserved it after all, right? I know I felt I did, but it turns out the new year has not meant a magical new me and certainly not a magical new life.

Of course I knew this deep down, but I will admit I expected at least one thing to get better. Instead, everything has only gotten worse and worse.

No, I don’t really think that’s true. I’ve just become far too focused on the negatives and blind to all the positives. I have so much love and support that even if times are a bit stressful and I’m turning into a bit of a mess, at least there are hands to hold the load with me. At least there is love to lift me back up.

030//366

I spent the day getting ready for next week. Turns out I’m not going to have the week of rest and recuperation I thought I was going to have and that I know I so desperately need. I’m preparing paperwork and preparing myself emotionally too. If I’m honest it’s frustrating but at the same time it’s forcing me to focus on the time I have now and to do what makes me feel good today.

I’m reading a lot and I’m enjoying it for a change. Lately reading has been a chore, a race, a goal and milestone I have to achieve. I read to say I have been reading and not for the pure enjoyment of it. I’m keeping track of pages read and pushing myself to get through just 20 more, 10 more, 2 more and I can stop. It’s been a long time since I just got lost in the story. I want to get back to that again. I’m getting lost in a book today. No time limits, no page goals, just reading while it feels good and stopping when it no longer does.