049 // Save Your Strength

I’ve had two nights in a row of uninterrupted sleep, a rare occurrence and exciting development. This might be the first sign of real healing.

I have an appointment with my doctor later this morning, and I’m hoping the good news on my end will mean good news on her end too. I’m hoping that we’ve finally hit on the right combination of medications, diet changes, and stress management techniques to calm my immune system and stop the inflammation.

Part of me is reluctant to hope for too much. I don’t want to start dreaming of a better tomorrow. Hell, I don’t even want to live like I have a better today! Not because I think I’ll jinx myself or anything like that. It’s just that whenever I think I’m better, I start pushing myself too hard.

I think I can be the person I used to be and do all the things I used to do, but the path from sick to better, to well, to healed is gradual and winding, often looping or doubling back in strange and unpredictable ways. A favorable stretch or promising directional change may only be temporary. The key and the hardest lesson: slow down and save your strength because you never know what perils lurk around the next bend.

A little better is only that, a little, and that is the most I can give myself or anyone else right now: a little.

049//366

Being out in the world is regressing me. I felt much better, much more myself and much more energetic yesterday but being forced out of bed and out of the house before I felt rested or ready is exhausting me and bringing my symptoms back and of course I left all my hard medications at home thinking I was over the worst of it and past the possibility of relapse.

Today is a “non-pupal contact” day at work which means most of my coworkers are still at home fast asleep. I also had the option of staying home, but I figured since the day would be an easy and quiet one I might as well try to make up some of those hours I’ve been missing lately. What I failed to remember was that these quiet easy days tend to be the hardest to get through. Time is dragging, and the boredom is exhausting.

I’m trying to make the most of this time though. I’m catching up on clerical duties and making time for my personal to-do list items in between tasks. I filled out the editorial calendar I printed last week, posted a new cutout poem on Instagram, and made it through the Heartsaver Instructor Essentials Online course too. It’s a long day, but it’s also one of the most productive I’ve had in a long time.