Tag: 02 19

050 // It Still Feels Good

I started the day feeling sluggish and stupid despite getting my third night in a row of uninterrupted sleep—a feat unheard of in my personal “new normal”.

Since that slow start, things have sped up quickly and the sluggish and stupid feeling gave way to a feeling of optimism that’s been building steadily since my first sips of coffee. I want to blame the caffeine, but I know there’s more to the change in mood.

Perhaps it’s because the end of the week I’ve been waiting so anxiously for has finally arrived. I hate to take the rest work week for granted like this, but time has been dragging so and I have been feeling such boredom and restlessness at work it’s driving me crazy! I’m in desperate need of real time to myself for a while.

I have started writing a few things in the gaps of time between emails, tasks, requests, and meeting. Nothing that amounts to much more than notes and outlines, but it’s a step forward from ideas and dreams, so I’ll take it.

This weekend I’d like to carve out time to do a lot more. I don’t want to lose what momentum I’ve gained. I want to use this new energy and excitement to polish and publish old drafts I’ve struggled to clarify and conclude.

It’s going to be tiresome and awkward path forward, but that doesn’t matter. It still feels good to be back in the chair, thinking and typing away about the little things that matter to me.

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I haven’t seen my favorite coworkers in over 4 days and you can tell we’ve missed each other. We’ve been laughing all day like it’s the last day before summer break and there’s no more work to do or work worth doing. I haven’t laughed this much in a long time and I feel lucky and incredibly grateful to have a job where I get to have fun and smile every day. I’m lucky to have bosses and coworkers who are also my friends.

Tonight is democratic debate night and just 30 minutes in I am both thoroughly entertained and 100% sure of my primary candidate choice. Still, I do wish the whole process was a lot closer to being done than it is now. I’m burned out on politics and I’ve never been burned out on politics.

I’m also afraid. I don’t know how I could process a repeat of 2016. I know I would live but my last shred of connection to my country would be severed. I would no longer feel that I lived in a just society and to continue to live here and to pay taxes might begin to feel immoral. It would be too much for my soul to bear.