121 // Any Small Peace

I woke up this morning believing it was Friday rather than Saturday and though nothing at all indicated that it was a workday—no alarms had rung and my wife was still in bed—I dragged myself from the warmth into the cold darkness of my house to begin getting ready.

I shortly realized that I’d made a sad mistake and promptly returned to my cozy comforter, but what struck me afterward wasn’t the mistake and the disruption to my rest, but that I’d a habit was forming again. I was able to do what needed to be done, the hard thing, in response to a circumstance without complaint or the need for negotiation with the self.

All this is to say, it’s getting easier to rise and enjoy my mornings again. This is a sure sign of healing and a welcome return to a part of myself I can recognize and cling to in these hard times. It’s a small thing for most, but for me, any small peace whether found in time, space, or the heart, is crucial.

122//366

Today is a productive one, but not at all in the way I thought it would be. I went to bed meaning to wake up early to write, but when I got out of bed, the last thing I wanted was to be trapped behind that desk. I spent the morning doing some cleaning and taking care of my pets and plants. It’s more fulfilling sometimes to see the fruits of your labor, to look around and see that you have changed something.

My knee is feeling much better, but I can tell already I’m overdoing it. I do this every time. As soon as I feel even a tiny bit better, I go and set back all my healing by pretending it never happened. I never have the patience my body needs and it never has the strength I wish it did. Obviously we working against each other.


Friday nights are quickly becoming the most depressing time of the week. The weather is so warm and all I want to do is have a few drinks with a few good friends on the patio of a packed bar downtown and instead I’m stuck inside binge-watching old episodes of Six Feet Under because there’s nothing else on.

It’s not all bad though, now. My wife and I had the brilliant idea to move the “creativity room” TV into the bedroom where it’s cooler and to pour a couple glasses of amaretto. My knee is propped up on an ice pack but not so much because it’s hurt but as a preventative. I’d really like to go for a nice long walk tomorrow.