256 // A Compete Wreck

My body and mind are a complete wreck today. Part of it is last night’s indulgences, and part of it was today’s anxieties and stresses.

My family has been going through a hard time lately and today was a day to face some hard truths head on. Today I had to be brave, to open up, say what is on my mind and in my heart, and set boundaries and demand that things change so that one day things might really, really change.

It was one of the hardest things I ever had to do, but at least I didn’t do it alone. We came together as a family. For so much of my life I have been the caregiver, the advice-giver, the strong, loving, and dependable one in my family, but lately I have been wondering when and who will ever be all of that for me? Part of me thought, “no one and never”. Part of me thought, “at least not until you ask”.

So, I asked and to my pleasant surprise everyone answered and I was reminded that despite all we have been through, separately and together, we turned out to be a surprisingly well adjusted, loving, and connected family. We have some big problems and we carry heavy baggage, but we are blessed in all the most important ways.

Suddenly the week is passing quickly again. Perhaps stress and anxiety not only color the present and the future, but maybe the past too? Maybe it all got drawn out because I was too busy holding back, holding on, and avoiding moving forward all together and now that I am free from this small (in hindsight) fear I can move through time again—and time can move through me too—normally.

Of course all this also means there aren’t enough hours in the day again.