275 // A New Month

I’m stuck at home and stuck in bed today, feeling awful physically but worse mentally. I’d been seeing some real signs of improvement, and I let myself get a little too excited. I let my hopes get too high, and then today there were strong setbacks and swift backslides into painful and all too familiar symptoms.

I’m not the only one who’s feeling a little under the weather. My dog, Lola, got into something she shouldn’t have and she’s got a little upset tummy too. I don’t like seeing her sickly but it is kind of nice to have someone, even if it’s just the dog, to be miserable with. At least she’ll be okay in a day or so with a little rest and plenty of fluids. I wish it were that easy for me.

I keep thinking about how bad of a start this is to the new month. Then again, perhaps starting at your worst can be an opportunity in disguise. When you are at your worst there is nothing you can do but get better. There’s nothing to do but improve. There is nothing to do but start again. A new month and a new chance to let the past go and move forward.

When I woke up this morning, the house was so cold, and I was still so tired, and my body ached, and my head ached, and my will to push through just wasn’t there. Getting up and rushing through my morning routine felt physically impossible. So, I listened to my body and took a self-care day.

Around midmorning my youngest sister stopped by to chat before school. Being the oldest sister I sometimes get caught up in feelings of bitterness and jealousy over the lives my younger siblings get to lead. I remember how much I gave up or how much I was never even allowed to have in the first place just because I came first. It get a little down about it sometimes, but sometimes but I feel an overwhelming pride too. They all turned out to be such good people and I’m honored to have played a role in that.

After she left, I wore myself out cleaning the house and doing a couple of small house projects because I never can take a whole day just for me; I feel too guilty, but I did get some reading in, and worked on the courses I’m taking, and made time for some fun blog things too.

I wish every day could be like this.