165// Justifying

My family is getting together today for the first formal family day we’ve had in months. I was a great time and I’m so happy we got to have even the short visit that we did. I’ve missed the kids and there’s so much that has happened I need to catch up on. I love that now matter how long I’ve been away or how much I’ve missed, I always have that little place just for me. I’m loved. I belong. I’m wanted.

Still, there is always some underlying negative feeling. I kept thinking about how left out I felt too. Not because they left me out on purpose, but because of the quarantine and social distancing. I know they’ve seen each other during the quarantine but I’ve been social distancing much more strictly and doing my best to stay home not just to keep my wife and I safe but to keep them safe too.

Knowing I was the odd one out made me feel sad, lonely, guilty, and stupid. I’m struggling with those feelings as I watch the world open and see my friends and loved one’s venturing out to restaurants and bars to see each other and enjoy the world while I just work and stay home, work and stay home.

I guess the real emotion I’m feeling is jealousy, and anger. I’d love to be having fun too. I miss being social and having experiences too, but I’m trying to do the right thing. I’m angry that so many others are not trying to do the right thing.

I feel myself trying to justify my own tiptoeing back into society too. I’m trying to find my “new normal”. I have to get out there to find a way to go about this new normal life safely. I can’t stay in forever and it’s better to go out now and find the way than wait.

Those are just excuses and they hardly make sense. I’m just trying to make it okay to give in to my wants and cravings, my needs, but I have to stay strong and so do more of us. I know life is dull right now and a chance to smile and forget any of this ever happened is what we need the most, but it’s only what we need now. We have to have a longer view. We have to make the long term the immediate.

But today wasn’t the day for willpower or lectures. Today was a day to give in and give up because I’m human. Perhaps the other side of this battle isn’t so hard to understand after all.

165 // It’s Going to Be Wonderful

I had originally planned not to go into work today but this is one of the few weeks where I can get more hours than usual and I didn’t want to pass up the opportunity to make a little more money. I regretted the decision the moment I walked through the door.

Things were tense at work in preparation for a big meeting with the big boss. All around me minds were working out loud to predict the conversation and plot the outcome. All wanted to tell it like it is, make an impression, and somehow someway find the dignity they’d been missing, I guess. I couldn’t help, and I couldn’t handle it, so I went home early.

This evening has been amazing! We’ve had perhaps too good of a time and now we’re off to bed early without having finished out planned self-care/home spa routine in preparation for Pridefest tomorrow. Oh well, if I head to sleep now there’s a real chance I’ll be able to pull myself out of bed early enough to write and get ready.

The weekend is here and I can already tell it’s going to be wonderful.