Lisa Marie Blair

Tag: 2020

  • 100//366

    Venturing out of the house when the need arises is becoming more and more stressful as this pandemic wears on. We were running out of some basics and wanted to get provisions for my quarantine birthday celebration in a few days. It took two hours and trips to three different grocery stores, and we still didn’t get everything we were looking for. It’s pretty awful out there.

    The good news is the shelves are looking more and more stocked and it’s getting easier and easier to find what we need. Today was only difficult because most of what we were looking for were items that are not basic or essential. I think much of the bulk and panic buying is subsiding, but there is still no toilet paper anywhere. Thank goodness we still have quite a few rolls left.

    Wearing a mask is difficult for me. I feel like I can’t breathe in it and my glasses get fogged up. With all the people around, the inability to find anything, and the effort it takes to maintain a 6 foot distance between yourself and others makes for a high anxiety and an irritable mood and, if you can’t get out fast enough, an inevitable panic attack. Under the circumstances, my wife and I did well, I think, but it’s hard to tell whether it’s better for both of us to go or only one.

    I’m back home now, but it is a bad writing day so I’m taking it easy instead. I’ve been fighting a headache since yesterday afternoon and I wasn’t able to get a good night’s sleep either. I kept having bad dreams. I would wake up drenched in sweat from one only to fall back asleep and have another. Each one was a different terror all its own. Each dream was so vivid, so real, that I woke up confused and relieved that what I had been fighting through was not in fact my real life.

    I hope this is not a new trend. I have a feeling it’s connected to my increased anxiety, which is obviously connected to everything going on and all the growing fear and uncertainty around me. I’m considering seeking therapy but I keep coming back to the fact that I am one of the lucky ones and instead of feeling anxious or afraid I should be feeling grateful. I shouldn’t need therapy to get through this when so many more people are getting through it with fewer recourses and less support than I already have.

  • 099//366

    A friend called me today, and it meant the world. The hardest part about being away from people is how hard it is to feel cared about, loved, or wanted, but she made the effort to call, not just text, but call. The conversation was short, but it cheered me up and I have a feeling the good it did will last a long while. I think I’ll try calling people this week too. It isn’t the conversation so much as the thought that counts and I would like to spread the joy.

    It’s been a while since I’ve written any poetry but today the words were coming easier so I thought I would give it a try. I’m pretty proud of the outcome and encouraged by the enthusiasm I was able to muster. Some days are going to be easier than others it seems, and maybe that’s okay as long as I make sure it’s a bad writing day by actually trying first by actually trying and I still do something productive with the day like reading or working on an older piece.

    I finished book 11 of my Penguin Little Black Classics, A Cup Of Sake Beneath The Cherry Trees by Yoshida Kenkō, and started book 12, How to Use Your Enemies by Baltasar Gracián, which, it turns out, is also a book about how to use your friends. The premise may be shrewd, but I’m finding a lot of insight about the human psyche in here and I’ve realized that the way things should be and the way things are each a kind of truth.

  • 098 /// Nothing Else to Do

    Today is the last day of temperatures over 70 degrees for a while, so they say. I had hoped we could plan a hiking trip next week, but I see a severe dip in temperature and snow in the extended forecast. The trails will probably be muddy for a while. Oh well, there is plenty of time and the days are only going to go on growing warmer now.

    The words weren’t flowing so well today so I gave myself permission to skip the writing so long as I promise to give it my best again come morning. I’m reading instead and have already finished On the Beach at Night Alone by Walt Whitman and am now sitting half-way through A Cup Of Sake Beneath The Cherry Trees by Yoshida Kenkō. With nothing else to do today, I think I’ll go ahead and finish it, then start on Borne by Jeff VanderMeer.

    Some days all this time is welcome, some days it’s more than I can bear. Looking forward is anxiety inducing and imagining the sheer number of days to come that are filled with nothing paralyzes me. I have to take them one at a time. Time has to become irrelevant for now. There is just right now and what I have and the little I can do with it. It has to be okay. It has to be enough.

  • 097//366

    The warm and sunny Spring weather continues. The morning birds chirping have returned and branches everywhere are budding and with it all brings small moments when I can forget, when I can pretend it is only Sunday rather than whatever day it is and that I am choosing to stay in to relax to forget about work rather than being forced.

    Our plan was to grocery shop today, but there are warnings circulating about the coming weeks being the most important for social distancing. We are considering putting it off as long as possible. Near the end of the week we’ll head out to buy provisions for an at home birthday celebration. I’ve settled on steamed crab legs, artichokes, and cheesy risotto, cheesecake and a bottle of pinot grigio, if at all possible.

    I’m back at the WordPress Discover prompts. I could not complete yesterday’s post but it is saved in my Google docs and I will keep chipping away at it until I get it done. I’m going to treat every day like that. I’ll do my best and write as much as I can. If I can finish something I will post it, whether I think it’s good or not. If I cannot finish it, I will keep at it until I do. My goal is all posts will still have been published by April 30th. I’m working out what a project in May might look like.

  • 096//366

    As stressful and distressing as it to stay indoors, it is so much harder to leave the house and go anywhere. Wearing a mask is especially upsetting and my wife and i have decided that when we travel together one of us will stay in the car and we’ll alternate. This way we minimize exposure and neither of us has to feel so oppressed or suffocated inside the masks the whole time.

    The juxtaposition of the inner distress against the gorgeous weather and the signs of spring all around is jarring. Normally I am rejoicing this time of you, my joy building by the day to peak midsummer, but I’m reluctant to allow these good feelings to take hols inside of me. I cannot begin to awaken to the season. There is so little to love, so little to feel good about now.

    It’s hard to know whether whatever you feel is reasonable or if you have sunk to such depths of despair that everything is seen through a depressing light and exaggerated. You begin to wonder in this seclusion, “Is this who I am without anyone else?”. I’m beginning to take the lack of phone calls and text personally and marking my reluctance to send any in turn as a personal failure of character and heart.

    And things keep getting worse too. Now the summer events are being cancelled too. Visits I was so looking forward too are off the table. How can I plan anything when I don’t even know if I will be paid? At least no one is disagreeing with me and there is no accompanying weight of guit to carry. This is no ones fault and we all have to make the hard choice.

  • 095//366

    I had to get out of the house today. A piece of our back deck has been falling off, and we needed some rope and a new ladder to fix it, so off to Home Depot we went.

    Yesterday the governor recommend that all citizens, when venturing out and entering places where social distancing is difficult, should wear a cloth covering or mask over their nose and mouth. My wife made some no-sew masks out of old shirts and hair ties last night and though I felt very reluctant and uncomfortable wearing them I sucked up my apprehension and anxiety and did what I needed to do to protect others.

    For me, the mask didn’t make me feel any less anxious or protected. I felt more afraid and uncertain. I felt further convinced that the world was falling apart around me. It made the danger more real and more threatening than ever. It made me not want to leave the house ever again. We got in the store, got what we needed, and as much as I wanted to browse around, that mask was fogging up my glasses and making it hard for me to breathe so I paid and got back home as fast as I could.

    As nerve-wracking as the trip was, the sun and fresh air still did me good. The warm weather has returned, and the neighborhood was alive again. It felt good to hear them all working in their yards. I could hear the dogs barking and the kids playing outside and for a while it sounded like a typical Saturday, like nothing at all was wrong in the whole world. It felt so good my wife refused to let me turn on the news tonight. Let’s let this peace last a little longer yet.

  • 094//366

    The announcement I have been waiting on has finally been sent out. The rest of the school year will be conducted remotely. It’s unclear what that means for those like me who work in transportation beyond the fact that are not going to be returning before at least the end of May. Summer school is up in the air along with just about everything other aspect of society and life. I’m going increasingly worried about what our finances will look like and how I will cope with possibly two more months quarantined indoors.

    I’m also thinking about what I could do with this time too. After I finish this blogging challenge and I’m looking at all the blank days of May with the practice and confidence of April under my belt, maybe then would be a good time to start something new. A chapbook or a zine, perhaps? I’ve always wanted to self publish a little book of essays or poems. A whole month of free time might just be enough to do it. Even that possibility is too far away to be real. Let me get through these next few weeks. Let us all get through the next few weeks, and then what is possible will be much clearer.

  • 093//366

    When I woke this morning, it was already drizzling, and the temperature was low enough to freeze the rain to every surface it touched. I warned my wife, but she insisted on taking the dog on her regular walk, anyway. I admire her willpower, but I will be spending all my time indoors where it is warm and safe today.

    Writing did not come as easily this morning, and I am ashamed to say that I almost gave up on the second day of the challenge. My mood is low. Partly it’s the weather and partly it’s everything else. I keep trying to tell myself there is nothing to be stressed out about or afraid of but every once in a while it hits me just how uncertain and dire a position the world is in. Everything is falling apart and no matter how reassuring the politicians try to be they have no idea what they are doing and this a could go on falling apart for a very long time. The world has changed too fast to cope with and I imagine every single one of us is in need of a few therapy sessions at least.

    But I can’t do anything about any of that, all I could do was wrote these stupid words. Instead of giving up on my Discover Challenge prompt I reminded myself that “it doesn’t have to be perfect, it just has to exist” and I kept on going. Part of learning how to write better is writing all the ugly and incompetent pieces first. By the end of this, if I can keep it up day after day throughout April, I have a feeling not only will I have, hopefully, improved but, hopefully, the inspiration and the words that follow will come easier and easier and bigger more ambitious projects can become possible.

    But I’m getting ahead of myself. Take it one day at a time. Wake up early and give yourself time to think. Make coffee, drink water, eat a little breakfast. Sit near a window, open a blank document, and do the work.

  • 092//366

    And just like that, a new month begins.

    April brings with her tiding of Spring. Temperatures are soaring near 70 this afternoon and I can hear the neighborhood coming to life outside the open window. It seems everyone is getting what little sun they can while they can. This weather isn’t going to last. Snow and frigid winds are forecasted for tomorrow and in anticipation I’m getting out of the house too. It’s the first day in a week or more that I have walked and it felt really good. My neighborhood is so quiet under normal circumstances that even in these times of social isolation I can almost forget anything is wrong at all while I’m out there.

    Today was the first of the WordPress Discover prompts and I found it nowhere near as difficult to write as I feared. I’m sure the rest of the month will be more difficult, but the energy and enthusiasm I felt from my desk this morning encourages me. It reminded me of my old blogging and writing days when i was submitting work and entering contests. Writing seemed full of so much possibility, and I was filled with so much potential. I wrote over 1,000 words today. Imagine if I could do that every day, or even most days. Imagine what I could accomplish then.

    The news came today that the local school district will be following the new CDC social distancing guideline and keep school closed at least through the end of April. I’ve already been away from work for nearly three weeks, I can’t imagine another four! I have a feeling that the year really is over now and instead of another four it’s going to be another eight at least. I don’t feel like I can wrap my head around what that means. I can’t even wrap my head around what is happening today.

  • 091//366

    Another productive day, though not as productive as yesterday.

    The month is finally about to end and I am so ready to let it go. There was a time a week ago maybe when I started to believe the month would never end and we would be trapped in this purgatory forever, but the calendar is about to change over and prove that time is in fact marching on. I’m ready but still resentful over the time lost.

    I’m not the kind of person who believes the universe is listening or that any petty wishes or wants of mine are heard but I’m painfully aware now of all the time I wished the world would stop so I could rest for a while and I long to take the words back. I keep thinking, “This is not what I meant. This is not at all what I meant!”. Now all I want is for the world to start again, please?

    I’m considering joining a blogging challenge for the next 30 days. I need something long term to keep me going and a push to write more than just these journal entries. I had thought to join the A to Z challenge, but I have no theme and no letters planned. I found out today that the nice people of WordPress are doing their part to spread the sense of community by offering daily writing prompts through the month of April.

    I’m not promising to write any certain number of posts for any certain number of days, but I think I’d like to try my best and see where a little regular and focused micro-blogging might take me.

  • Currently // March 2020: Everything Has Changed

    Currently // March 2020: Everything Has Changed

    “March is the Month of Expectation.
    The things we do not know—”

    — Emily Dickinson, March is the Month of Expectation

    March, typically, is one of the most boring months of the year. If it weren’t for the start of Spring and for the designation as Women’s History Month, March would be wholly unremarkable. But this March has been something else entirely. This March has been one of the hardest and, frankly, terrifying months I have ever lived through.

    When the month began, life was essentially normal. I was working and worrying about an upcoming interview for a new position at work. I was anxiously counting down the days until Spring break. I was so looking forward to a trip down to Texas for a conference. Life was good, and everything was looking up for me. Then the news reports, the ones that had been increasing for weeks and the ones I had dismissed as media hype, were growing increasingly concerning.

    There was a new virus spreading quickly, and every day the numbers of the infected grew higher, and grew closer. Suddenly I was hearing words like incubation period, quarantine, and pandemic. Suddenly there was hand sanitizer everywhere. Suddenly we were being told to stay home if we were sick. Suddenly there were lists of vulnerable populations on the news and a list of vulnerable workers at my job. As the first couple of weeks of the month wore on, rumors began flying everywhere. Rumors about how bad things would get and the severe measures that may have to be taken. Then, suddenly, everything changed.

    As I write this, my wife and I have been off of work and hold up at home practicing social distancing for nearly three weeks now. Almost every business in the state has closed their doors, and the Governor has issued a “stay-at-home” order. Last I heard from the school district I will return to work on April 20th, but I am hearing rumors again. Rumors about how much longer this will go on and how much worse it will get.

    As for me, I’m getting through it the best that I can. I’m one of the lucky ones. I not only have the opportunity to stay home to protect myself and others, but I’m being paid to do so. I’m only being asked to endure isolation and boredom. I’m choosing to make the most of this time partly because I feel guilty for resting so much while the world burns around me, but also because I need to keep my mind occupied.

    Going forward, I have no big aspirations. April will be a month of simply coping and doing what small things I can do to keep myself from falling victim to loneliness or depression. I’d like to read a few books, write a few posts and essay, and perhaps create a few collages and poems. I’d like to take better care of my physical and emotional health and complete a few projects around the house. I’d like to spend time with my wife and give my pets and plants the attention they deserve. I want all the things I always wish I could be doing when I had to work instead, but before I do, here is what I am currently:

    Writing a couple of real blog posts. I’ve been using Google docs not only to track my daily to-do items and store my daily logbook lately, but to work on my drafts and essays too. I’ve been able to free write, take notes, add comments, and perform searches for quotes and facts right from within the documents. It helps to avoid distraction (when coupled with the use of a timer) and in this time of social isolation I feel like I finally have the time and a system in place to get my ideas organized and perhaps get some real writing out there instead of just talking about it.

    Making lists. I’ve written a little about it already and plan to write a lot more about it soon, but I’ve been working on a new to-do list and logbook system I shamelessly stole from Jeff Huang. I’m incorporating suggestions from Cal Newport on adding time blocking and action plans and recently discovered a whole blog dedicated to Plain Text systems. I’m using Google docs to facilitate accessibility across devices and working on a system to incorporate calendars and links to other documents to track an editorial calendar and easily write and publish new blog posts.

    Planning for a lengthy stay indoors. To be honest, nothing can be planned for at the moment. We don’t know when we will be able to go back to work, see our loved ones, travel or attend events. Everything I had been planning for or looking forward to had been postponed indefinitely, and all I can allow myself to plan for now is a day or two in advance. The silver lining is that for the time being I can live in the present and focus fully on spending the time I have today the best I can. One day at a time is the only way any of us can hope to digest the future that awaits us.

    Reading It by Stephen King, still. I’ve been chipping away at this tome for months now and though progress has been slow, it has been made. I expect that by this time next month I’ll have finished this and two or three more. I hope to close the two book gap between where I am and where I should be by now if I want to beat my 2020 reading challenge. Going forward, I’m going to make an effort to read more digital books. I have an old iPad I’m repurposing as a dedicated e-reader. I have plenty of gift cards for Amazon, Google, and Barnes & Noble that I can use for this experiment and plenty of time on my hands to work on my comprehension and focus when reading from and screen.

    Watching the news. I’m trying not to watch it all the time but, like most of you I’m sure, I’ve had to check in regularly not just with national news, which I did all the time even before all of this, but with world and local news too. It’s helped to be informed, but I’ve had to be mindful of where I get my news and how often I check it to avoid panic and speculation. I watch for an hour or so in the morning while I make my coffee and eat, and when I’m done, I turn it off and don’t allow myself to look again until after dinner.

    Learning about International Women’s Health and Human Rights on Coursera. I’ve been trying for over a year to complete this course, but I have always failed to make the time or to do the work consistently. Now that I am off of work I have whole days to devote to studying and writing and, hopefully, finally marking this course complete. I’m ready to move on from this (and from my Modern & Contemporary American Poetry course too) and it has been this desire to move on that has kept me from finishing, but the only way out is through and there is no better time than now, when I have all the time I could ever want. 

    Anticipating my birthday, I suppose. Normally, I spend the whole month of April celebrating my birthday. I tour all my favorite museums. I eat out at my favorite restaurants. I always do something extra special with my wife and I plan multiple events with family and friends, but this year I’ll have to spend it quietly indoors and away from everyone I know. I’m a bit bummed about it but I know I can still make it special if I try. I still have my wife here with me and we can cook my favorite foods and I hear she’s already ordered gifts for me. I can still call my family and friends and perhaps we can plan a hiking trip if the parks are still open.

    Reflecting on all the ways life has changed and how easily it has changed, how easily it could have always changed before all of this if we’d all been better, stronger, more kind, more imaginative. We’re seeing now what was always possible and when this is over we are going to have to answer for why we lied to each other and ourselves for so long. We’ll have to face that universal healthcare, housing assistance, and paid sick leave at the very least we’re always possible, affordable, and in all our best interest. We’ll have to face that some things will have to stay changed for the better.

    Fearing this virus making its way into my circle of loved ones or into my home. I’m afraid for my parents, who were forced to work far further into this pandemic than I was comfortable with. I’m worried for my wife, who’s asthma has grown more severe over these last few years. I’m worried for my siblings living in other states that aren’t yet taking the measures my state has. I’m worried for myself being on medications that leave me somewhat immunosuppressed and needing to make regular trips into the clinic for care. Every step out of the house is a risk, and so much is out of my control.

    Hating the impact this virus has had on my own life and these past weeks. I know it’s a bit selfish, but I’m giving myself permission to be angry over missing so much I had been looking forward too. There was a St. Patrick’s day dinner and a movie date I had planned with my wife that was cancelled. I was planning a big trip to Texas for work that was cancelled. I just got a promotion the day before the district closed and I haven’t been able to have my title or my pay scale changed. I had a class scheduled to become a Crisis Prevention and Intervention instructor that has been postponed indefinitely. Spring has come, and I haven’t been able to fully enjoy one day of it. I’ve lost time, I can never get back, and it’s okay to be angry about it.

    Loving how we’ve all come together to beat this thing. I love seeing that so many of us are doing our part by staying home, by sharing supplies, by volunteering, but donating money or supporting local business by ordering delivery. I love that we have chosen to keep each other safe rather than to indulging in petty wants. Even if I am disappointed in the fact that it took this pandemic for life to change, I love that we were able to change for the better so quickly and easily. I’m proud of us all, and my faith in humanity has been restored.

    Needing to see some sign of hope. I need to see that what we are doing is helping and that lives will be saved but all I see is more death and more to fear and everyday I grow more depressed and hopeless. I desperately need my spirits lifted and I know I’m not alone. Everyone is feeling this same anxiety and dread and a little good news in these terrifying and uncertain times could go a long way, but everywhere I look there’s nothing but bad. I know the media is keeping us informed and I know they tend toward what keeps us engaged and nothing does that more than what incites panic but please, please, please, show us something good too.

    Hoping we can all keep this up. I know the longer it goes on, the antsier we all get, the more we begin to relax the rules and lose our sense of urgency. We start venturing out. We start letting the kids play together in the park. We start visiting the friends and family we’ve been missing so much. We start to believe that things aren’t as bad as the media would have you believe and that the recommendations to stay home have been overblown. I hope we can, for once, keep foremost in our mind what must be done and that we can, for once, find the collective courage and discipline to do it.

    So, yeah, all in all, March was an absolutely horrifying month, but there has been some small good in it. I am happy and healthy and so are the people I love. I got the promotion I’ve been working so hard for and one day, when all of this is over, I can do all of those things that I missed out on. I’ve learned to be present and we’ve all learned that we’re all connected and we cannot get through this without the help and cooperation of us all. March has been, at the very least, eye opening.

    But what about you? How have you navigated these changes, this fear and uncertainty? How have you been impacted by this virus? Have you stayed well? Have you stayed at home? Do you have enough toilet paper?

    Let me know in the comments.

    The inspiration for these posts comes from Andrea at Create.Share.Love

    Photo by Elijah O’Donnell on Unsplash

  • 090//366

    I’m feeling much more productive today than I was yesterday. I got up a little later than I meant to, but I got started right away on cleaning and marking off a few persistent items from my to-do list while my wife ventured out to find us some groceries.

    It took her two stores, and she still didn’t find any toilet paper. We aren’t low, and she may try again in the morning. She also had to stop by her job for a few things to continue working from home. It terrifies me every time she leaves the house, but we need things. We have no choice.

    Soon I will work on writing something and perhaps, if I don’t wear out my will or motivation, I’ll get around to finishing one of these damned books I’ve been struggling with for months.

    Today marks 90 days into the year and nearly the end of another month. Who would have thought the year would turn out like this? Who would have thought the Spring would bring such tidings of fear and death? I always think I’m being over dramatic or weak, but every day the numbers of infections, hospitalizations, and deaths increase and the projections and predictions grow more dire.

    I hate being stuck inside. I’m bored and irritable, but it’s the only place I feel safe now.

  • 089//366

    Today is another do nothing day. My wife is up and about cleaning the house and getting things done while I lay on the couch surrounded by warmth and guilt. This is exactly what I have been trying not to give in to. It’s too easy to do nothing when you know you don’t have to do anything and it’s hard to do anything when all the bad surrounding you is so much bigger than any good you could do or make.

    I know it isn’t good to let thoughts like this fester but I also know the limits of my willpower and though I may have lost the battle with myself today the war wages on. We all need a day to wallow and perhaps it only normal and not worth beating myself up over. Sometimes the way to win is to give in, you know? What I mean is, I can’t change how I feel today, but I know accepting it will help me go a long way toward a better outcome tomorrow.

    Until then, stay safe, all of you.

  • 088//366

    One of my medication is on a national back order. That means I can’t have it shipped to my house, and rather than a 3-month supply, I can only get one at a time. That means taking more risks. I’ll have to go into the pharmacy and more often too.

    They have medical personnel just inside the entrance to the pharmacy asking everyone who enters whether they have symptoms of Covid-19 or if they have been in contact with anyone who has symptoms. They’ve also started taking people’s temperatures as they enter, too. I got through the line, making sure to stay 6 feet away from the person in front of me, and when I received my medication, the pharmacist looked at me solemnly in the eye and told me to stay safe. It was unnerving, but somehow comforting too.

    We’re in this together. We understand the stakes and we wish one another safety. That’s all we can wish for one another now.