256 // Big Courage

The morning started out rough but slowly, slowly, the day, and my mood along with it, is improving. Much of what I felt anxious about has resolved and the rest is turning out not to be as bad as my gut felt it would be. The universe is ordered. Everything will be okay.

The summer is subtly waning. I can feel it through to my bones. The drive to work and the drive out on the routes are getting darker day by day and the midday takes longer to warm. Each evening the chill blows in earlier and I drowsiness takes me over as the sun sets. By the next morning, the cold has crept into the house and as I struggle to pull myself from the warm bed, I wonder if it’s time yet to turn on the furnace.

I’m thankful for the end of this past weekend and eager for the end of the next too.

Between the many birthdays, appointments, social engagements, errands, projects, and long work hours, my wife and I are feeling absolutely exhausted, but this shared suffering is bringing us closer than ever and we’re absolutely in love too. The paradox of love. When you have all the time together you want, you want to work on other things, and when you don’t have the time, all you want is each other.

Every day that passes brings a deep relief and increased self-worth as I accomplish again and again all that I feared I will fail. Big goals are being met and that takes big courage too. I’m grateful to find I have it in me after all.

256 // A Compete Wreck

My body and mind are a complete wreck today. Part of it is last night’s indulgences, and part of it was today’s anxieties and stresses.

My family has been going through a hard time lately and today was a day to face some hard truths head on. Today I had to be brave, to open up, say what is on my mind and in my heart, and set boundaries and demand that things change so that one day things might really, really change.

It was one of the hardest things I ever had to do, but at least I didn’t do it alone. We came together as a family. For so much of my life I have been the caregiver, the advice-giver, the strong, loving, and dependable one in my family, but lately I have been wondering when and who will ever be all of that for me? Part of me thought, “no one and never”. Part of me thought, “at least not until you ask”.

So, I asked and to my pleasant surprise everyone answered and I was reminded that despite all we have been through, separately and together, we turned out to be a surprisingly well adjusted, loving, and connected family. We have some big problems and we carry heavy baggage, but we are blessed in all the most important ways.

I love Friday the 13ths. Everyone thinks they are such spooky and unlucky days but I feel the opposite. I was born on a 13th you know and so too me they are worth celebrating. I wish this one were my birthday it being a Friday and a full moon, a rare occurrence indeed I hear. A quick search tells me the next time this will occur in April will be in the year 2063. I will be 78 years old then.

No matter the date any Friday is a good day because it means the weekend and fun and rest. This week has been both long and short and as such I am both relieved and sad to see it end. I have no big plans this weekend and only the possibility of a Sunday morning hike to look forward to. I contemplated asking friends to come out for a “margarita Friday” but we’ve all spent too much money and time seeing each other lately. I thought about asking my family to get together but with so many of their birthdays coming up I thought it best to wait.

Oh well, maybe a quiet weekend spent doing quiet things is worth looking forward to too.