257 /// Guilt

I’m home sick today. Feels like I have been just slightly under the weather for weeks now. Every day there is a bit of a sore throat, a bit of fatigue, a bit of sinus pressure, a bit of a runny nose, but then it clears for a time and then it comes back for a time. I worry I may be sick, but it’s hard to know for certain. I am certain that I am miserable though, so today I stayed home to see what a bit of rest would do.

Unfortunately, what it did was make me feel bad for resting; worse, it made me worry about work.

Oh well, it felt good to sleep, and maybe knowing that staying home does so little will help me accept my circumstance. I’ll go on and assume it’s just seasonal allergies wearing on as the summer season wears out its welcome.

It’s late in the afternoon now but I’d like to salvage something of the day, if I can. A cup of strong coffee and around-the-clock house music has improved my mood and I am challenging myself to stay in my office chair for at least the next hour though I think it will come to little more than these words and a few pages in a notebook.

Maybe the germ of an idea will be found, perhaps a few sentences added, or a new concept turned over that I can turn again later. Mostly this just means I’m reading more of James Baldwin’s Collected Essays, marking down the past day’s events in my logbook, jotting a few thoughts in my journal, and collecting interesting things on Are.na, nothing rather important, but enjoyable nonetheless.

And that’s enough. Even if it’s only for me, it’s more than enough. I hate that I have to insist on it that way but I have to convince myself first and foremost. We’re socialized to believe that doing something that isn’t for practice or profit, that no one asked you to do, that you don’t need to do, that you won’t be sharing or promoting, something that’s not for anything, is a waste of time.

I think perspectives are changing, though. We’re realizing the consequences of having to earn your existence. The truth is, it’s already yours and you can do whatever you want with it. The truth is, nothing anyone does really means more than anything else. It doesn’t matter whether you work another shift, sell another thing, make a new product, or take a cozy little nap, the sun is still going to engulf the Earth in a few billion years either way.

Might as well be happy while you can—in whatever way feels right for you.

257 // A Wholly Different Day

I’m feeling good today, which is utterly unexpected considering I had one of the worst nights in a long time. On top of my usual problems and pains, I woke early with a migraine that even total darkness and silence plus a combination of both Aleve and Tylenol would not touch.

I found myself staring at the ceiling before the sun was fully above the horizon and contemplating giving up, rising, and beginning whatever kind of day I was fated to have after a night like that.

Somewhere in her sleep my wife must have felt my frustration, pain, and plans. She rolled over and laid her head on my shoulder and draped her arms over me so I couldn’t leave. I told her I meant to get up, but she only moaned her disapproval and refused to budge. So, I gave in and gave up, and the next thing I knew I was drifting off again.

Two hours later I was a brand new me and I’m convinced today is a wholly different day, all because of her and those two hours of deep and restorative sleep I got. The migraine is now gone and I’ve had enough energy to mark an item or two off my to-do list and spend a little time at my desk.

I’ve missed this space lately. It’s a mess, but I decided not to use up all my time and focus on cleaning and simply sit down and try to create. I made a new blackout poem and I’ve published and scheduled a few posts here.

There was more I could have done, sure, there always is and will be, but it felt good to do a little more than drag this bag of meat and bone from work to bed and back as I have been now for weeks.