The warm and sunny Spring weather continues. The morning birds chirping have returned and branches everywhere are budding and with it all brings small moments when I can forget, when I can pretend it is only Sunday rather than whatever day it is and that I am choosing to stay in to relax to forget about work rather than being forced.
Our plan was to grocery shop today, but there are warnings circulating about the coming weeks being the most important for social distancing. We are considering putting it off as long as possible. Near the end of the week we’ll head out to buy provisions for an at home birthday celebration. I’ve settled on steamed crab legs, artichokes, and cheesy risotto, cheesecake and a bottle of pinot grigio, if at all possible.
I’m back at the WordPress Discover prompts. I could not complete yesterday’s post but it is saved in my Google docs and I will keep chipping away at it until I get it done. I’m going to treat every day like that. I’ll do my best and write as much as I can. If I can finish something I will post it, whether I think it’s good or not. If I cannot finish it, I will keep at it until I do. My goal is all posts will still have been published by April 30th. I’m working out what a project in May might look like.
As stressful and distressing as it to stay indoors, it is so much harder to leave the house and go anywhere. Wearing a mask is especially upsetting and my wife and i have decided that when we travel together one of us will stay in the car and we’ll alternate. This way we minimize exposure and neither of us has to feel so oppressed or suffocated inside the masks the whole time.
The juxtaposition of the inner distress against the gorgeous weather and the signs of spring all around is jarring. Normally I am rejoicing this time of you, my joy building by the day to peak midsummer, but I’m reluctant to allow these good feelings to take hols inside of me. I cannot begin to awaken to the season. There is so little to love, so little to feel good about now.
It’s hard to know whether whatever you feel is reasonable or if you have sunk to such depths of despair that everything is seen through a depressing light and exaggerated. You begin to wonder in this seclusion, “Is this who I am without anyone else?”. I’m beginning to take the lack of phone calls and text personally and marking my reluctance to send any in turn as a personal failure of character and heart.
And things keep getting worse too. Now the summer events are being cancelled too. Visits I was so looking forward too are off the table. How can I plan anything when I don’t even know if I will be paid? At least no one is disagreeing with me and there is no accompanying weight of guit to carry. This is no ones fault and we all have to make the hard choice.
I had to get out of the house today. A piece of our back deck has been falling off, and we needed some rope and a new ladder to fix it, so off to Home Depot we went.
Yesterday the governor recommend that all citizens, when venturing out and entering places where social distancing is difficult, should wear a cloth covering or mask over their nose and mouth. My wife made some no-sew masks out of old shirts and hair ties last night and though I felt very reluctant and uncomfortable wearing them I sucked up my apprehension and anxiety and did what I needed to do to protect others.
For me, the mask didn’t make me feel any less anxious or protected. I felt more afraid and uncertain. I felt further convinced that the world was falling apart around me. It made the danger more real and more threatening than ever. It made me not want to leave the house ever again. We got in the store, got what we needed, and as much as I wanted to browse around, that mask was fogging up my glasses and making it hard for me to breathe so I paid and got back home as fast as I could.
As nerve-wracking as the trip was, the sun and fresh air still did me good. The warm weather has returned, and the neighborhood was alive again. It felt good to hear them all working in their yards. I could hear the dogs barking and the kids playing outside and for a while it sounded like a typical Saturday, like nothing at all was wrong in the whole world. It felt so good my wife refused to let me turn on the news tonight. Let’s let this peace last a little longer yet.
The announcement I have been waiting on has finally been sent out. The rest of the school year will be conducted remotely. It’s unclear what that means for those like me who work in transportation beyond the fact that are not going to be returning before at least the end of May. Summer school is up in the air along with just about everything other aspect of society and life. I’m going increasingly worried about what our finances will look like and how I will cope with possibly two more months quarantined indoors.
I’m also thinking about what I could do with this time too. After I finish this blogging challenge and I’m looking at all the blank days of May with the practice and confidence of April under my belt, maybe then would be a good time to start something new. A chapbook or a zine, perhaps? I’ve always wanted to self publish a little book of essays or poems. A whole month of free time might just be enough to do it. Even that possibility is too far away to be real. Let me get through these next few weeks. Let us all get through the next few weeks, and then what is possible will be much clearer.
When I woke this morning, it was already drizzling, and the temperature was low enough to freeze the rain to every surface it touched. I warned my wife, but she insisted on taking the dog on her regular walk, anyway. I admire her willpower, but I will be spending all my time indoors where it is warm and safe today.
Writing did not come as easily this morning, and I am ashamed to say that I almost gave up on the second day of the challenge. My mood is low. Partly it’s the weather and partly it’s everything else. I keep trying to tell myself there is nothing to be stressed out about or afraid of but every once in a while it hits me just how uncertain and dire a position the world is in. Everything is falling apart and no matter how reassuring the politicians try to be they have no idea what they are doing and this a could go on falling apart for a very long time. The world has changed too fast to cope with and I imagine every single one of us is in need of a few therapy sessions at least.
But I can’t do anything about any of that, all I could do was wrote these stupid words. Instead of giving up on my Discover Challenge prompt I reminded myself that “it doesn’t have to be perfect, it just has to exist” and I kept on going. Part of learning how to write better is writing all the ugly and incompetent pieces first. By the end of this, if I can keep it up day after day throughout April, I have a feeling not only will I have, hopefully, improved but, hopefully, the inspiration and the words that follow will come easier and easier and bigger more ambitious projects can become possible.
But I’m getting ahead of myself. Take it one day at a time. Wake up early and give yourself time to think. Make coffee, drink water, eat a little breakfast. Sit near a window, open a blank document, and do the work.
April brings with her tiding of Spring. Temperatures are soaring near 70 this afternoon and I can hear the neighborhood coming to life outside the open window. It seems everyone is getting what little sun they can while they can. This weather isn’t going to last. Snow and frigid winds are forecasted for tomorrow and in anticipation I’m getting out of the house too. It’s the first day in a week or more that I have walked and it felt really good. My neighborhood is so quiet under normal circumstances that even in these times of social isolation I can almost forget anything is wrong at all while I’m out there.
Today was the first of the WordPress Discover prompts and I found it nowhere near as difficult to write as I feared. I’m sure the rest of the month will be more difficult, but the energy and enthusiasm I felt from my desk this morning encourages me. It reminded me of my old blogging and writing days when i was submitting work and entering contests. Writing seemed full of so much possibility, and I was filled with so much potential. I wrote over 1,000 words today. Imagine if I could do that every day, or even most days. Imagine what I could accomplish then.
The news came today that the local school district will be following the new CDC social distancing guideline and keep school closed at least through the end of April. I’ve already been away from work for nearly three weeks, I can’t imagine another four! I have a feeling that the year really is over now and instead of another four it’s going to be another eight at least. I don’t feel like I can wrap my head around what that means. I can’t even wrap my head around what is happening today.
Another productive day, though not as productive as yesterday.
The month is finally about to end and I am so ready to let it go. There was a time a week ago maybe when I started to believe the month would never end and we would be trapped in this purgatory forever, but the calendar is about to change over and prove that time is in fact marching on. I’m ready but still resentful over the time lost.
I’m not the kind of person who believes the universe is listening or that any petty wishes or wants of mine are heard but I’m painfully aware now of all the time I wished the world would stop so I could rest for a while and I long to take the words back. I keep thinking, “This is not what I meant. This is not at all what I meant!”. Now all I want is for the world to start again, please?
I’m considering joining a blogging challenge for the next 30 days. I need something long term to keep me going and a push to write more than just these journal entries. I had thought to join the A to Z challenge, but I have no theme and no letters planned. I found out today that the nice people of WordPress are doing their part to spread the sense of community by offering daily writing prompts through the month of April.
I’m not promising to write any certain number of posts for any certain number of days, but I think I’d like to try my best and see where a little regular and focused micro-blogging might take me.
I’m feeling much more productive today than I was yesterday. I got up a little later than I meant to, but I got started right away on cleaning and marking off a few persistent items from my to-do list while my wife ventured out to find us some groceries.
It took her two stores, and she still didn’t find any toilet paper. We aren’t low, and she may try again in the morning. She also had to stop by her job for a few things to continue working from home. It terrifies me every time she leaves the house, but we need things. We have no choice.
Soon I will work on writing something and perhaps, if I don’t wear out my will or motivation, I’ll get around to finishing one of these damned books I’ve been struggling with for months.
Today marks 90 days into the year and nearly the end of another month. Who would have thought the year would turn out like this? Who would have thought the Spring would bring such tidings of fear and death? I always think I’m being over dramatic or weak, but every day the numbers of infections, hospitalizations, and deaths increase and the projections and predictions grow more dire.
I hate being stuck inside. I’m bored and irritable, but it’s the only place I feel safe now.
Today is another do nothing day. My wife is up and about cleaning the house and getting things done while I lay on the couch surrounded by warmth and guilt. This is exactly what I have been trying not to give in to. It’s too easy to do nothing when you know you don’t have to do anything and it’s hard to do anything when all the bad surrounding you is so much bigger than any good you could do or make.
I know it isn’t good to let thoughts like this fester but I also know the limits of my willpower and though I may have lost the battle with myself today the war wages on. We all need a day to wallow and perhaps it only normal and not worth beating myself up over. Sometimes the way to win is to give in, you know? What I mean is, I can’t change how I feel today, but I know accepting it will help me go a long way toward a better outcome tomorrow.
One of my medication is on a national back order. That means I can’t have it shipped to my house, and rather than a 3-month supply, I can only get one at a time. That means taking more risks. I’ll have to go into the pharmacy and more often too.
They have medical personnel just inside the entrance to the pharmacy asking everyone who enters whether they have symptoms of Covid-19 or if they have been in contact with anyone who has symptoms. They’ve also started taking people’s temperatures as they enter, too. I got through the line, making sure to stay 6 feet away from the person in front of me, and when I received my medication, the pharmacist looked at me solemnly in the eye and told me to stay safe. It was unnerving, but somehow comforting too.
We’re in this together. We understand the stakes and we wish one another safety. That’s all we can wish for one another now.