011//365

The snow fell all day. It’s still falling and the hourly forecast says it’ll be falling through the early morning. The inches we shoveled from the driveway have already been replenished by the storm.

Tomorrow we are going to a movie marathon at our favorite movie theater. So that means an early night for us. The marathon begins just after 10:00AM and the roads will be worse than they were today. We’ll have to go to bed early, on a Friday night. I’m excited but bummed too. I like staying up

Dry January is going well so far but tomorrow will be a challenge. We’re going to watch 6+ hours of movies in one sitting in a place we always order a drink in and I don’t know if I can not drink. I know it can be fun without alcohol and I honestly can’t come up with a better reason to be so weak except that things are more fun with alcohol.

Knowing (admitting) this weakness only makes me want to be stronger. I don’t want to let myself down. There will be plenty of opportunities after January for alcohol. If I still want it.


These entries are inspired by the journal posts of Thord D. Hedengren

010//365

For a short week, this really turned out to be a long week, and it isn’t even over yet! Tomorrow is Friday and if I can make it through the unpleasant parts with positivity and make it through the boring parts with focus, if I can manage to hold on to some energy, it can be a good day.

I’ve never been very good at Friday’s though. Everyone gets better as the week goes on, but I always get worse. This morning I woke up late, my stomach hurt bad, there was no coffee to make, and I was nearly late to work.

Tomorrow I plan to simply breathe. I’ll lose myself in my reading, write as much as I can, and keep my headphones in as much as I need. I’ll keep looking forward to our extra special movie date this Saturday, and mark at least one big thing off of my to-do list.

Sometimes the only way to have a good day is to avoid, ignore, and outright deny the bad.


These entries are inspired by the journal posts of Thord D. Hedengren

009//365

I secretly hate that time of night when I must close my eyes and leave consciousness behind for sleep. Those 6 to 8 hours a night are more than I want to give up of my life. For all my brooding and pessimism, my misery and despair, my complaints and cursing, it turns out that my reality (as ordinary and monotonous as it may seem from the outside) has actually exceeded my wildest dreams.

I’ll need to be more imaginative and desirous in my dreams going forward, I know, but just…not yet. For now—a now I’ve clung to for years and a now I hope will last a long, long while more—I’ll allow myself this utter happiness.


These entries are inspired by the journal posts of Thord D. Hedengren

008//365

The day flew by just fast enough. I enjoyed all the good parts and the bad parts were over quickly and with little complaint. Through it all, some words managed to get written and others were read.

I had forgotten just how beautiful The Iliad is. Today I began Book XVI: The Death of Patroclus and lines 184-192 struck me particularly:

“Meanwhile, Achilles strode mid the shelters, giving all
Of his Myrmidons orders to arm, after which they rushed out
Like so many flesh-rending wolves, great beasts unspeakably
Savage—wolves that have killed a huge horned stag
In the mountains and gorged themselves on his flesh till the jaws
Of all were dripping with blood, and off the pack runs
To lap with their slender lean tongues from a spring of dark water,
Belching up scarlet gore and still quite ferocious,
Though now their bellies are bulging.

Every time I read passages like this I’m forced to stop reading for a time. This is why it’s taking me so long to get through the book. I read things like the words above and I just can’t let them go. I can’t move on. I have to let the words roll over and allow my imagination to have its way.

I’ll try to pick it back up tomorrow (I’m reluctant because I know what awaits poor Patroclus and Achilles) and to face my own words again too.


These entries are inspired by the journal posts of Thord D. Hedengren

007//365

It’s the last night of winter break and in just a few short hours I will have to return to work. I’ve done my best to prepare both physically and mentally but my mood is both anxious and somber. I’m sure I won’t get much sleep tonight and I’m worried I’ll spend the whole day irritable and withdrawn.

There is a smaller part of me that is excited to be back on schedule and amongst my kids and coworkers too and I know that, between them, a dose or two of ibuprofen, and a grande blonde vanilla latte I’m sure it’ll be all right.


These entries are inspired by the journal posts of Thord D. Hedengren