216 // Trying on Other Lives

I’ve been away from my life for a time now. I’ve been busy trying on other lives, other anxieties, and other pleasures. I’ve spent time remembering the people I might have been and forgetting all the reasons why I’m not.

All that is to say I have had a long summer of hard work, delightful travels, and exhilarating adventures but the summer is winding down now, though with this blazing heat you might never know it, and something is calling me back to reality—my reality. It turns out that all those other lives aren’t meant for me. They are only costumes to slip in and out of for a bit of excitement and spectacle. I hope to slip into others still next summer and every year after.

I’ve begun to think of my life as a cycle of seasons, and the summer sun has always beckoned me out and away from myself. I am a citizen of the world and in love with all of humanity. I want to be where the people are and I want to want all the same things they do. The season is for soaking up the experience of living and shoring up enough stimulation to carry me through the dull and dreary winter.

With the school year beginning again in just over a week, and my work schedule forcing me back to regular and routine, I find myself returning to the internal and the intellectual. I’ve, unprompted and quite by surprise, picked up reading again and rummaged and rooted through desk drawers for notebooks that have been buried since spring.

Life is a cycle of seasons, a going out and a returning to the self with a clearer understanding and a deeper love and appreciation not for who I dreamt I might be, but for who I am only just learning that I really am. You have to see for yourself that who you already are is the best version of yourself there is. It’s the long way to self-love, but it is the most fun you can have while healing.

282 // The Feeling of Fall

The feeling of fall has crept in through the cracks overnight and we woke with the late sun to chilly air and the urge to stay in bed all day. A day of rest sounds nice in theory, but deep down I know it’s not what I really want. I miss the summer mornings when it was easier to begin. When the sun started early with you and made you feel that the day ahead was so full of excitement and possibility.

These past weeks since summer’s end have been so calm, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Truthfully, I need the peace too. Fall mornings are for slowing down and keeping your expectations low. Fall mornings come complete with permission to do as little as you want.

I’m using this morning to catch up on old news and saved articles. I’m organizing all my bookmarks and notes from across platforms and devices to construct a coherent timeline of thought and interest into posts and threads of possibility. My journals are out and I have plans to get to them sometime this early afternoon.

I won’t have the whole day to myself. This evening I’m celebrating my second nephew’s 3rd birthday and it will be time to get ready before I know it I’m sure.

I’m excited to see family though and to celebrate such a special boy. It’s hard to believe he is already so old and somehow to believe he’s still so young too. Over these years, he has grown and changed so much both physically and intellectually that in my mind’s eye he’s pushing five or six instead. He’s got good parents and his big sister has helped along the way too. He’s smart and kind, full of energy and so very brave. I can’t wait to see how much more he grows between now and his next birthday.

Tonight I’m resting. I have plans for scary movies and a few small glasses of wine for my wife and me. Neither of us is feeling great today, which might explain the lethargic leanings this morning and not the season or the sun at all.