Feeling low tonight, but at the same time, I’m feeling hopeful and excited too.
I’m trying something new. Whenever I feel scared, anxious, or worried I first tell myself that my fears are valid. I tell myself that I am absolutely right, that all the worst things I imagine could, in fact, come to pass, but after that, I always imagine what it will be like when I come out the other side of my fear, my anxiety, and everything I worry about having overcome it all. I imagine what a triumph that would be. I imagine the pride I will feel and what praise I’ll receive.
It may be strange but seeing yourself on the other side—even a narcissistic and shallow version basking in the glow of my loved one’s admiration—seems to help. The more I imagine her the more the possibility of being that girl becomes real and just like my worries and fears and anxieties can absolutely come true, so too can this opposite reality where I can am brave and can do anything.
Still feeling good about yesterday’s progress but the stress is slowly rising up again too. There are still so many more big decisions to make and still so little time to make them in. The time for celebration and congratulations are over, the shame of my procrastination has returned. We’re still so far behind.
And on top of that next week is looming bigger and scarier all the time. I have a work conference to attend on Monday and Tuesday and I’m scared. Not of anything in particular, but of everything, and for no reason at all. Nothing is expected of me but to go and learn, but it’s terrifying to be out of my comfort zone. I’m excited too but somehow that only adds to my fear.
We made some big decisions today. We’ve booked a photographer, two photographers actually! We have moved forward with a caterer though the price tag was shocking at first. And we’ve decided to have someone close to us, someone without whom we would never have even known each other, officiate our ceremony. It’ll be more work but it is one of the very few decisions the just felt right.
After all that wedding work we left for our movie date. We saw Us, the new horror film from Jordan Peele. It was good and you should definitely see it, but I don’t have the words to explain why. I’m still processing it. It’s more than what you see in the trailers. It’s more than a horror film. That’s all I know.
I put on my big girl pants and went back to work today. I held my head high and acted unbothered. There were a few fumbles in the beginning but for the most part, it was a good day. I got to do the work I wanted. I felt useful, and for the most part, was left alone.
And now my weekend can begin. I took tomorrow off for no reason other than I just wanted to. I probably shouldn’t have. I’ll probably regret it and I’ll probably miss the money, but for now, it feels good. I always sleep best when I don’t work the next day and God damn am I exhausted. I need this.
First thing this morning I got an email from the doctor, my liver results still don’t look good and further testing, and further med changes may be in order. I read the email in the car while my girlfriend drove us to work and I nearly broke down in tears. I’m just so tired of it all. Tired of being tired and tired of all the reasons I’m tired.
I got to do more of the new work I was doing yesterday and that took my mind off of things but then my anxiety and health issues came up at in front of my boss, and her boss, and many of my coworkers, and I spent the rest of my day feeling like everyone was looking at me, talking about me, feeling sorry for me, or judging me. I felt exposed and embarrassed, and I ended up having to leave early because I couldn’t handle it.
When I got home things got better. I pulled up my to-do list and one by one marked off all the things I’d been putting off. I darted around the house, inside and out, and for everything I cleaned up, took care of, fixed, or put away I felt a little better about myself. And now, it’s time for bed, and I’ve nearly repaired the day’s damage, but it’s going to be hard to return in the morning and face all those faces again.
I’m doing something new at work for a few days. I’m helping in our recruiting department by calling prospective employees and encouraging them to finish their application process and to schedule them for interviews if they have.
I was dreading it before I came in. My stomach was in knots and more than once I thought about calling in sick for the whole week just to avoid it, but I knew I needed to be brave and to do my best or I’d never forgive myself. So, I went in and did just that, and you know what? I fucking rocked it!
My boss was probably hyping me up a more than I deserved so I wouldn’t quit but I really felt like I took to it, and more than that, I kind of liked it. It was interesting, and I really felt like I was doing something to help our district more directly.
I’m going back tomorrow for more. I’m still nervous, but a little less so, but I’m trying not to think about that now. For now, I’m just proud.
I woke up later than I wanted to but I woke up feeling a lot better than yesterday so I’m not complaining. My body definitely needed the extra hours of rest.
Once I got up and got a couple cups of coffee in me I hit the ground running and didn’t stop. I did everything I set out to do and more. I made phone calls and sent emails I’ve been dreading for months. I cleaned the house and blasted through the laundry, and I even did a few meal prep type things. I did some wedding planning research and we even came up with a few new cost-effective and cute ideas.
Now I’m wishing I had taken the whole week off so I could do this much every day. And now I’m dreading work tomorrow because I’ll be out of my comfort zone and doing work that I have no desire to do and because I’ll be losing today’s momentum and tomorrow’s time I could devote to personal projects and goals instead.
So, I’m keeping tomorrow’s expectations low. I’ll do what I can and that will be enough. I don’t need to add disappointment to an unavoidable bad temper.
I’m feeling awful today. My head, my stomach, my whole body! And I’m so tired. I got nothing done and now I’ll have to spend tomorrow trying to redo today.
I guess that’s not so bad, as long as I actually feel better. Either way, I will do my best and then I’ll do just a bit more. I want to hit the ground running this week and get some shit done this week. I don’t have time for this chronic illness crap. It’s so frustrating to be inside of a body that can’t, or won’t, cooperate.
We worked on a few wedding things tofay the most significant of which is that I may have finally figured out what I am wearing.
It’s hard being a genderqueer bride, you know? I don’t want to wear a dress but I still wantwto feel like a bride. I want to wear a suit that has a slightly feminine feel to it. I found a floral print suit I wanted, but it was out of stock. Then I thought about wearing pink but then we would have to change the bridesmaid’s dresses.
But then it occurred to me that, as a bride, I should simply wear white! I found a white suit but I’m still feeling anxious about it. The next step is measurement and alterations, and as a genderqueer woman who feels most comfortable wearing masculine coded clothing but who has a body that is curvy and feminine, trying to reconcile what I want to wear, and what I can wear can be frustrating and humiliating.
I wish the world wasn’t so segregated by gender. I wish that it was easier to find women’s clothes that fit men’s bodies, and men’s clothes that fit women’s bodies. I wish there was no such thing as men’s and women’s clothing at all, and that we could all find the clothes we want to wear in sizes that fit us comfortably. I wish I could be seen as a bride even though I won’t be wearing a dress, and I wish there were more places for me to go where I would be treated as normal and beautiful in my own right.
I was supposed to begin my new medication today but there were more complications at the pharmacy. Now, even though my doctor has ordered the medication and even though I have already done a cost analysis, the benefits department still has to take one more look just to make sure that, I dunno, they still want to pay for it or whatever.
I sat in the waiting area for half an hour only to be told it would be at least a few hours more. They would call me theytsaid. So, I left the pharmacy nearly in years and went back to work to wait anxiously by my phone and got no phone call at all. Now, I’m still waiting, still frustrated, still not on medication, and seriously considering changing course and going back to infusion medications for which financial support has been easier to navigate.
My night wasn’t much better. I made a grave scheduling mistake and we ended up driving across town for an event that doesn’t take place for another week. So, to help cope with my embarrassment and guilt I proceeded to overstuff myself with a double cheeseburger and a bag full of cajun fries for dinner. Afterward, we snuggled in on the couch and watched trashy TV dramas until I felt calm enough to put the day firmly behind me and head to bed.
Tomorrow has to be better.
P.S. I want to take a moment to acknowledge that this is my 100th post here and to say that while I have only just begun to work out what kind of space, this is it has already been an immense joy to have. Too much in fact, I’m afraid. It’s been a complete distraction as well and while I know eventually I’ll have to venture out from the warm comforting glow of this new place, I’m happy for now just to explore, to tweak, to write my foolish words, and to be ignored. Thank you all for reading.