065 // Gah!

Why, oh why, does the United States health care system have to be so damn complicated!

The IBD nurse called to schedule a time for a phone appointment with my Gastroenterologist tomorrow. I’m positive she wants to yell at me for not getting my shit together and taking too long to enroll in the financial assistance program through the drug company so I can start my new medication.

The thing is, I actually had my shit together this time…mostly. I was only dragging my feet for like, a week! The rest of the time I was waiting for the cost analysis from the insurance company, then trying to figure out which financial assistance program to apply for, then reapplying after I applied for the wrong one, then having them explain to me that the one I am approved for is a special one that is extra complicated for no reason other than because I have my insurance provider likes to make things complicated, then, after I was finally approved, having them try to explain to me how it works, twice!

Now I’m enrolled in a program I barely understand and still cannot use for another 7 to 10 business days while a wait for a welcome packet in the mail and somehow, it’s my fault this is taking so long?

And that is just the tip of the healthcare iceberg. Choosing an insurance provider in the first place was complicated. Getting a diagnosis was complicated. All the blood tests and side effects are complicated. Keeping myself well is complicated. Choosing, starting, and switching medications is complicated. It shouldn’t be this damn complicated!

All this, I am convinced, is only further complicating the condition all this complication I am going through is supposed to treat!


These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren

064 // Getting Through

I can’t wait to get through this week! I’m looking forward to the weekend when all this will be over and I can once again concentrate on my own problems, plans, and worries.

…I’m always trying to just get through. I’m trying to get through this task, this day, this week, this event or this worry. I imagine when it’s over everything will be easier, but the truth is it won’t. There will always be another hard task, day, week, event, or worry. The truth is all those tasks, and days, and weeks, and events, and worries are what life is made of and I shouldn’t wish it all away so easily.


These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren

063 // Release Yourself

Sometimes our offers of help are rejected and our best-laid plans swept entirely aside. Sometimes we know that we know best but all efforts to convince anyone are in vain. We’re forced to swallow our pride and allow others to take the lead. We’re forced to follow a path we know leads to failure and to follow it with enthusiasm, energy, cheerfulness, and camaraderie.

It’s absolutely awful, and it’s life.

But then again, with our pride pushed firmly aside we might be able to see the silver lining. We might be able to see that what we’d tried to control wasn’t ours to control in the first place and holding onto it only keeps us from what is ours to direct and command. Let someone else take this burden. Release yourself from the stress and do only, think only, care only for what we have to, then go home to what belongs to you alone.


These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren

062 // If Only Every Day Could Be Sunday

I have a hard time letting go of Sundays. I don’t want to go to bed because I don’t want the week to begin.

I want every day to be like this and every Sunday. I want all my days to be for taking care of me and for taking care of my home. I want to get up early drink coffee all day, tidy up, read, write, watch a movie, take a nap and go to bed late every day and night of my life!

I want Monday to never come at all…


These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren

061 // A Peaceful Moment

I can see the snow starting to fall from our big living room window and all my ladies are sleeping around me. My girlfriend is stretched out to left on the couch, the dog is at my feet and the cat is snoring in her tower to the right. The TV is quiet, my girlfriend having nodded off before she could choose a movie, and for the moment, life is peaceful.

I hope for the same peace tomorrow when there will be more snow and nothing calling us up and out of the house. I wish I could have it every day forever, but soon there will be work and a lot of work and family obligations to get in the way. That’s why I mark these moments when I can. I hold them in my heart and pull them out on whenever I’m overwhelmed or anxious.

This kind of peace, I have to remind myself, does exist and I will always be able to find it again.


These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren

060 // The Privilege of Problems

It was all downhill from my morning coffee.

I don’t want to fill this place with more complaints and curmudgeonry so I’ll simply say that I’m grateful for the problems I do have because they are proof of my privilege. I’m grateful to have a job and the respect and consideration of my coworkers. I’m happy to have a home that needs cleaning, friends and family to be obligated to, and a relationship that requires time, patience, compromise, and understanding.

I’m grateful for my problems, and for Fridays, that revitalizing light at the end of the tunnel I need to push on toward the weekend.


These entries are inspired by the journal posts of Thord D. Hedengren

059 // Simply Unfair

The weather may not be sapping my energy today, but other people certainly are. I feel let down and taken advantage of. I feel unimportant and at the same time, I feel like everything is being put on me.

I don’t want to complain though. I can’t control other people. I can talk to them, sure, but I may have to accept that some things are simply unfair and focus on what I have to do rather than what others are not doing.


These entries are inspired by the journal posts of Thord D. Hedengren

058 // Tired of the Season

I struggled to match yesterday’s enthusiasm but there was still measurable progress made. The week has already gotten away from me though and I’m not sure I’m going to meet those writing goals I set for myself but it isn’t from lack of trying so I’m not going to beat myself up over it.

I couldn’t resist watching Micheal Cohen testify before the House Oversight Committee today. Part of me wishes I had skipped it and done more writing or reading instead, but another part felt that this was too important a political event to miss. I was a wild ride and not a moment of it felt like a waste.


I’m especially tired tonight for no good reason at all. Sure, I didn’t get the best sleep last night, but not the worst either. I didn’t spend the day working too hard, physically or mentally, and there was plenty of coffee to drink and I even took a nap mid-afternoon.

Still, I came home feeling drained and disoriented. I couldn’t hold a thought in my head and I kept forgetting what it was I wanted to do next. All I wanted, more than food, more than my TV shows, more than even a shower, was to go straight to bed.

I blame the weather. I blame the frigid temperatures and the depressing fog that hung around the city all day. I blame the threat of over the coming weekend and the way winter has exhausted me these last few weeks. I’m simply tired of the season. I can’t take much more.

But, tomorrow is the last day of February and there are just 21 days left until Spring now. I think I’ll make it though it will be hard.


These entries are inspired by the journal posts of Thord D. Hedengren

057 // Small but Measurable

I took today for myself and when I did I promised not to waste it. I did all the things I wanted to do until each little goal was met, and then I did no more.

I did one day’s worth of Spanish lessons and didn’t concern myself with being top of the leaderboard. I watched one day’s worth of videos for Social Norms, Social Change I and I didn’t try to complete the whole week at once. I read exactly 50 pages of One Hundred Years of Solitude so there would be time left for writing, and worked on a draft of my next “Currently” post without the pressure of trying to make it perfect right away.

I’m practicing chipping away at things. I’m doing less of each thing per day so that I can accomplish more in the long term. I’m not rushing, or pressuring myself, or feeling guilty and because of that, there is no reason to be afraid, to be overwhelmed, or to procrastinate.

Today wasn’t perfect but I learned that it helps to use a timer and to schedule my time on social media. It helps to set a clear goal for each task and to decide before you begin exactly when you will stop. It helps to turn on some music and to have a plan for when you get distracted, stuck, or tired.

I feel good tonight, and proud. I wanted to keep the momentum going so, I turned off the TV early and made time for a short walk, a long shower, and one more chapter before bed.

I look forward to some small but measurable progress tomorrow.


These entries are inspired by the journal posts of Thord D. Hedengren

056 // Spreading Things Out

I’ve been thinking about what I wrote yesterday, about trying to do too much on Sundays because I don’t know what Sundays are for. I realized that Sundays are not the only days I overload this way. I do the same on Mondays and Fridays too.

The core of the problem is procrastination. I schedule too much work for the future so I can do nothing now, and then when that future arrives I’m astonished to find that several day’s worth of work will not fit into one. So, I fail, and I give up. I get nothing done and I still keep doing it again and again.

This week I’d like to try spreading things out more. I’m going to chip away at the big goals by doing a little every day, and for the weekends, perhaps spending half of each day resting and the other half working each day would suit me better?


Excerpt from a Slowly app letter I wrote today:

“I get what you are saying about everything being predetermined. I feel the same, as if as all my thoughts or actions originate from somewhere inside of my mind just out of reach of my conscious. The thought comforts me rather than anxiety though and I have no desire to fight it.”

“I read somewhere that our free will is limited by our ignorance of the choices available to us. The best way to maximize choice and control over your life is to gain knowledge. Knowledge of the world, of history, of people, and of yourself. Just something to think about, or something you’ve made me think about, anyway.”


These entries are inspired by the journal posts of Thord D. Hedengren