Lisa Marie Blair

Statuses

  • 133 // An Audiobook Experiment

    Today was a good reading day. I finally made it through The Double by Fyodor Dostoyevsky, but I still have to make it through Notes from Underground and the “Other Stories“.

    I purchased and began my very first audiobook today as well, Notes of a Native Son by James Baldwin. My sisters and my mom all “read” by audiobook and have been trying for a long time to convince me of the method’s virtues, but I know myself and my comprehension cliff dives whenever I am listening to rather than reading words. Hell, I can’t even read well from a screen! Old fashioned ink on paper is the only way for me, I guess.

    But! Times are changing and I’m watching the stats of other readers climb to numbers that I know I just cannot attain through traditional means. Plus, Google offered me $5 toward a purchase so I thought, why not give it a try? Perhaps practice is all I need.

    I’m enjoying how quickly I can move through “reading” by simply listening, but my habit of reading with a pencil has become another hindrance as well. With audio, I cannot mark the margins, insert my opinion, underline, or argue with the author! I cannot move through a book smoothly without being able to get my thoughts out along the way.

    So, I’ve already decided that when I finish I will simply have to buy a physical copy and read it again.

    These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren

  • 132 // The Weekend Writing Plan

    It was a good writing day, I just wish I’d had more of it to devote to writing rather than to chores.

    The goal going forward is to wake up at 6:00 AM on both Saturday and Sunday and give 4 hours completely to writing. If there is anything to do later in the day, that’s fine. I’ll have written for four hours and justified doing anything else at all for the rest of the day. If there is nothing else to do I’ll have hit the ground running and earned a mid-morning nap before beginning again.

    These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren

  • 131 // So Much Pressure

    The fitting went wonderfully. The place wasn’t especially welcoming but it was professional and sometimes that, for me anyway, is much more comfortable. She pinned everything in all over and even said the suit was cute. She said it will be a lot of work but it will be done and soon.

    We’ve just gotten home from dinner with friends and I’m doing that thing again where I overanalyzing every single word I said and action I took and coming to the same conclusion again and again. I am an idiot. I am an embarrassment. They are laughing at me, talking about me, they all actually hate me.

    I know deep down none of that is true. I know my friends like being around me and that any social gaffs of blunders I’m guilty of are not only understandable but completely normal! I know no one will remember that weird response or me dropping my fork. I know no one cares if I laugh too loud or make a dumb joke. I know it’s all okay.

    So, why do I put so much pressure on myself? Why do I punish myself this way?

    These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren

  • 130 // Stress, Terror, Exhaustion

    The stress is getting to be too much. Were nearly two months out now and I’m still not even sure what we are doing or what we should be doing next. I’m designing menu cards and ceremony signs and she’s putting together centerpieces but it feels like we should be doing something else, something more.

    Tomorrow I’m supposed to head to the first tailor on my list for suit alterations but to be honest I don’t want to go. My anxiety is through the roof! I’m scared of being turned away. I’m scared that the suit can’t be fitted or that no matter what they do I will still look bad in it. I’m afraid of the price too. I’m fucking terrified to end up back at square one again.

    To top it off things keep changing too. Sometimes it’s what we can’t do, sometimes its something we realize we have to do, and other times it’s realizing finally what it is we want to do. Staying on the same page is difficult, and the patience we show for one another, though exhausting, is only further proof we belong together.

    These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren

  • 129 // Dragging Days

    The weather is still shit but the forecast only gets better from here.

    It continues to be a long week but I’m trying to remember that time flying is no blessing. Dragging days means a long life. It means I’m not just alive but present. Time flies when your mind is somewhere else in some other time. Time flies when you aren’t living your life.

    These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren

  • 128 // Mourning Weather

    We’re mourning yesterday’s loss and tragedy and the weather is certainly giving permission for us to do so. The clouds are thick and low, and a steady drizzle has been falling all morning. The cold has crept back into our bones and no one feels much like smiling, not outwardly, not in public.

    Home is the safest place right now. I’m craving comfort food, big blankets, and an early bedtime. Tomorrow probably won’t be much better, but at least it won’t be today.

    These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren

  • 127 // Please, Wake Up

    This morning we woke up to the news that a teenager had died in a shooting near our work last night. Last I heard the shooter was still at large.

    Later in the day all of our schools went on “secured perimeter” lockdown as a school shooting happened in the next district over with reports now of 8 injured and one death.

    Two shootings in a day. Too much death for one day.

    Working at a school district in this day and age when guns are glorified and these tragedies are sensationalized is heartbreaking, confusing, and terrifying. We fear for our lives and we worry over our ability to assist and to stomach carnage, we might encounter one day.

    Some of us have already been impacted by gun violence in the past and some of us have lost loved ones in mass shootings already firmly in the public memory by now. For them, and for all of us who feel like we are only waiting our turn, the cycle, the horrific repetition of death, drama, outrage, prayers, forgetting, and then more death, can feel like a nightmare we cannot wake up from.

    I just want us to wake up now.

    Please, wake up.

    These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren

  • 126 // This Is My Fault Too

    Today we made up for the lazy weekend and vowed to one another never to put off to weekday evenings what is best and most easily done on our days off. Lazy Saturdays are decadent and Sundays do encourage sloth but we have to stay strong and focused.

    We have too much to do in just two short months before the wedding.

    So, we had to rush around while exhausted from work doing things we could have had done already but it’s nice to have grown enough together not to blame or to lash out in frustration but to say instead “this is my fault too and this is what I will do to help us do better in the future”.

    These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren

  • 125 // Better but Not Best

    This was one of my better Sundays, though it wasn’t the best it could have been. I woke up late, but I stayed away from the couch and I tried my best to write though I was easily distracted. I spent too much time on small blog things and not nearly enough time on big projects.

    I had a lot to do around the house too. A lot of cleaning I’d been neglecting and small things that needed fixing. I marked some domestic to-dos off the list but the list is never ending so the satisfaction isn’t really there. Still, it feels good to focus my attention on new and novel problems for a change.

    In the evening I got ready for the week and did it more efficiently than ever before. I’m going to bed weightless and without the usual dread and despair. I’m almost looking forward to Monday now that I’ve gotten ahead of it somewhat.

    P.S. I have a new social media menu up here that includes a link to both my Ko-fi and Patreon pages. There isn’t much I have up on either and not much I can offer supporters yet but take a look, follow, and check back soon. I’ll be adding and updating often.

    These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren

  • 124 // A Wasted Day

    I did nothing today. I wasn’t productive in any sense of the word. I laid on the couch, binge-watched dumb shows, and drank. I normally don’t regret such restful days, but this one was uncalled for. This one wasn’t for me. I didn’t rest because I needed it. I was lazy because I was weak willed. This can’t happen again.

    These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren

  • 123 // The Most Friday Friday

    We have the sun again today and through the weekend they say, but next week nearly every day rainstorms and clouds are forecasted. Monday it will start to rain. Tuesday: thunderstorms. Wednesday: rain. Thursday: rain and possible snow. Friday: scattered showers, and that’s as far as I got.

    I rattled off the report to my fiance this morning while she got ready for work. Her reply: “Tuesday: depression. Wednesday: I hate my life. Thursday: sleep all day. Friday: jump off a building.” She was joking, of course, but her meaning was clear, the weather is getting to us all. Us Coloradoans aren’t built for this.

    I’d hoped to take the day for myself, to hide out in a corner and read or write, but we had the sun today. Many of the schools were closed and a lot of my coworkers opted to stay home which made it a good day for projects so I changed my mind.

    Those of us who came in took advantage of the relaxed atmosphere. We fired up the grill and made burgers and hot dogs for lunch. We hung out in offices we are normally barred from by propriety. We moved furniture around and took our turns making executive decisions.

    It was a good Friday. It was the most “Friday” Friday I’ve had in a long time. I’m glad I chose to spend it out in the fresh air with people rather than in dark corners indoors by myself.

    These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren

  • 122 // It Feels Like Friday

    The sun came out today, finally. My mood is better but I still feel like being alone. I think I’ll need more time, and more warmth and fresh air, before I’m more like myself again.

    Tomorrow many of our schools are out and that means many of my coworkers will be staying home. It’ll be quiet and since I’m already so close to overtime I shouldn’t have to do anything extra at all. Tomorrow is planned for me.

    With so many people getting a 3-day weekend it feels like Friday around here. It feels happier, more hopeful, friendly. People are optimistic, more willing to to share and to say a kind word. We’re prone to laughter and excited to see one another again come Monday.

    These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren

  • 121 // Fewer Regrets

    Today went by way too fast. I feel I hardly had time to do today’s work and then to catch up on yesterday’s work before it was time to start on tomorrow’s work!

    There wasn’t time for me to write or to read or to make progress on my courses. I cannot wait until after tomorrow when things will die down again…maybe. Now that I think about it, I think next week is supposed to be just as busy.

    I’m doing better at night though. My new rule is I can watch one show, maybe two, but never three. I have to check my to-do list, write at least a journal post, work on my courses if there is time, and read for 30 minutes before bed. Making time in the evening to make up for time lost in the day is a relief. It means I go to bed with fewer regrets and a little less to worry about.

    These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren

  • 120 // Today’s Mistakes

    I’m loving my new workspace more and more every day. I have more choice about who I interact with and how my time is used or wasted. I can do my work in quiet and when I want to socialize, I can walk back over to my old area and do my old thing. So far though, I haven’t felt the need.

    My new work building is filled with too many snacks. I’ve made myself sick with rice crispy treats, donuts, and a full ream of Ritz crackers because I lack any kind of willpower. Now just thinking about food is making my gut wrench. I’ll try my best to keep down a bowl of coconut noodle soup and then I’ll put myself to bed before my body has a chance to (violently) reject today’s mistakes.

    These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren