049 // It’s Good to Be Home

It feels good to be home, but not so good to have to go back to work and responsibility. I wish I’d gotten to stay away longer and that’s probably why I spent today doing very nearly nothing, and why I’ll have to spend tomorrow cleaning the house, doing laundry, and catching up on my reading and finishing a few blog posts and pages.

But tonight, I’m doing nothing. I’m lounging on the couch, wrapping myself in blankets and eating nothing but snacks. I’m binge-watching The Umbrella Academy on Netflix and wasting all my time on social media.

I promise not to regret a single thing.


These entries are inspired by the journal posts of Thord D. Hedengren

048 // Bittersweet Goodbyes

As I write this we are some hours still from home but in only a few minutes today will turn into tomorrow. I have no cell phone signal and when I get home I plan to sleep through most of the next day. I’ll post this and backdate it when I’m awake or whenever I remember.

Brunch this morning was bittersweet. It was sweet to be so surrounded by so much love, but it didn’t for a second ease the bitterness of our goodbyes.

I’m happy to have finally seen Texas, even if it was only a small part. I guess I saw that parts that were most important for me to see. It’s a place I thought I could never like but to see the palm trees and all that green in the middle of February was so beautiful and uplifting. The warmth and humidity did my skin and soul so much good and though the thought occurred to me, I will probably never live there.

Perhaps a visit every winter is all I need?


These entries are inspired by the journal posts of Thord D. Hedengren

047 // Suprise!

Today is the day. We’ve been planning it for weeks and I spoke to no one out of fear of ruining everything. This weekend we—my mom, my youngest sister, my girlfriend, and I—drove all the way to Texas to surprise my our sister and her family for her 30th birthday celebration!

It was a long drive (over 15 hours!) and it’s going to be a long drive back starting tomorrow morning but it was so worth it. I only wish we had more time but with work and our poor pets back in Denver missing is we just couldn’t stay. Maybe next time when our jobs aren’t so pressing and the weather is warmer.

The party turned out beautifully and afterward, there was a late dinner to sit down and catch up properly. We’re going to bed late again but it can’t be helped. We have to fill the precious hours with as much as we can.

We miss each other more than we readily admit.


These entries are inspired by the journal posts of Thord D. Hedengren

046 // I’ll Tell You Tomorrow

It’s been a long day long day, but I can’t really tell you about it right now except to say that today was new, it was nerve-wracking, it was exhausting, and fun, and worth every minute, but I’ll never ever do it again, at least not like this.

And now I’m off to bed, far too late and dreading the next few nights of the same followed by mornings so early I barely know who or where I am or why the hell I’m even awake.


These entries are inspired by the journal posts of Thord D. Hedengren

045 // Riding Emotional Rollercoasters

Every day is an emotional roller coaster. From hour to hour I am swinging wildly from despair, drowning and wishing I’d never been born, or, if I had to choose the second best, longing to die soon, the next I’m loving every part of life and grieving an eternity I had no right to ever expect.

Is anyone else out there living at such extremes? Is it only me that sees so much good existing right alongside so much bad. Am I the only hopeless one overflowing with faith? Am I the only one suffering in loneliness and all the while loving and being loved so deeply? Is anyone else out there like me, prematurely grieving the inevitable loss of existence, the world, an entire species they cannot wait to be rid of?

P.S. Happy Valentine’s Day to all of you out there, both the coupled and the single. Valentine’s Day may be marketed as a holiday for lovers but the truth is love exists in many forms and every relationship deserves recognition and celebration.


These entries are inspired by the journal posts of Thord D. Hedengren

044 // At the End of the Day

The days lately have been so long, and somehow there is still never enough time. My life is spent working and worrying, trying not to make mistakes and cleaning up after the ones I make anyway. I’m tired. I’m a mess. I’m trying so very hard.

But there was good today too. My girlfriend and I got to work together and I believe we will again tomorrow too. I finished week two of Social Norms, Social Change I and actually learned quite a bit.

I did get some bad news, and then good news, and then some more bad news, and then some very good news too. I got help and I got the job done, and at the end of the day, I got to love and be loved.

At the end of the day, I allowed the day to end, and tomorrow is a whole new chance.


These entries are inspired by the journal posts of Thord D. Hedengren

043 // It Isn’t Just Me

Absolutely exhausting day. I’m working much more than I’m used to and much more than I probably should considering I haven’t started the new medication yet. I’m supposed to keep my stress levels in check but between the increased workload, wedding planning, waiting on answers from my health insurance provider, and the day to day worries about relationships and money, I’ve about had it.

I’m not angry, and I’m not being treated unfairly. It’s important to remember that. When I ask for help, really ask with specificity and confidence, my pleas are met with seriousness and concern. People who can help do, but there just aren’t enough people who can. Everyone is working more and I’m simply being asked to step up. I’m not thrilled and I am struggling, but it isn’t just me. I have to remember that.


These entries are inspired by the journal posts of Thord D. Hedengren

042 // Above and Beyond

I was so engulfed in enjoying my weekend I forgot how much work was awaiting me on Monday. I walked into work and was bombarded immediately with tasks and schedule changes. Help is limited, and I’m frustrating. I’m struggling to balance my time and I’m tempted to simply give up and let other people figure it out, but that isn’t me.

I always do my best, even when I’m tired and frustrated. I make it a point to know my job well enough to teach it to others. It’s important to me to make sure other people, especially new people, feel important and welcome. I’m proud of that and I’m proud of myself today.


These entries are inspired by the journal posts of Thord D. Hedengren

041 // A Memory for the Week

With the warm sun coming through the west window above us we laid on the couch together sharing your headphones, the right earbud for me and the left one for you.

We closed our eyes and shared a playlist of your favorite love songs. I nearly cried when the ones from our first years played and nearly fell asleep as you played with my hair. The entire world melted away. There was just us, our home, our love, our memories, and nothing else.

I’m not sure how long we laid there, not speaking, just laying and listening, but it sure didn’t feel like long enough. I wanted to stay there forever. I wanted nothing else for the rest of my life but…the dishes had to be washed, dinner had to be made, laundry had to be folded.

The week is about to begin and as much as I loathed to leave that couch with you, at least I will have the memory of the sun, and you, and those songs to get me through.


These entries are inspired by the journal posts of Thord D. Hedengren

040 // An Early Valentine’s Day Celebration

I woke up with a lot of anxiety. There was so much to do, so little time to do it in, and what little time there slipped away from us and the next thing I knew we were running late, or so it felt. I was tense, I was frustrated, I was angry, and suddenly, everything turned out just fine.

We made it to our early Valentine’s Day brunch even earlier than we’d planned. We opted to drink an entire bottle of champagne’s worth of mimosas between us which was both a very good idea and a very bad one. After brunch was over—and still with plenty of time to spare—we walked over to the Opera House for a very fun Colorado Ballet performance of The Wizard of Oz

Afterward, we headed home to spend the rest of the day doing nothing but lounging on the couch and watching stupid movies together until we can’t keep our eyes open anymore. We can’t hold out as long as we used to. We’re getting older now and busy days and late nights have become mutually exclusive.

So, we’re calling it a night and heading off to bed early feeling very much in love.


These entries are inspired by the journal posts of Thord D. Hedengren