188 // I’m Ready, I Think

13 days left! Less than two weeks now.

Today was a strange day. I got to witness the Colorado Renaissance Festival and though I found it impressive and charming, I also found it to be bat shit insane. I’m glad I went, but I’m confident I will never have to go again in my life.

I had no time to write again today, and I doubt I will for the foreseeable future. No coffee share post this week and next week is even more questionable.  I’ll simply say now that the week was long but good, and the weekend was even better, almost perfect. We’re still working hard to plan and on top of the wedding, there are more big changes to come. Big changes that are both good and bad, or rather scary. Big changes I can’t talk about, yet.

This week will be stressful. I’ve known that for a long time and accepted it. I’ve accepted there will be sleepless nights, worn nerves, and even a few angry blow ups and lots and lots of tears. I’m ready, I think.

 

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187 // Profoundly Disappointed

14 days left! Exactly, and only, two weeks to go.

The week has gone now, and I have had no time to write anything at all. My journal posts are going up late and I’ve gotten nothing drafted for the coming weeks. I miss writing. I miss the time I used to spend exploring ideas and thinking on the page. I miss feeling like I had something beautiful or interesting to share. I miss having a direction.

And now it looks like my essay a week writing project/challenge will have to be postponed. I don’t know why I thought I could start a new project right now when every moment I have free from work or sleep has to be spent on the wedding. I’m profoundly disappointed but I am trying not to hold it against myself. My expectations were just too high.

186 // It’s for the Guests

15 days left!

The countdown has been going on for a while now, but we are so close I start shaking when I think about it. It’s strange to think that in just over two weeks I will be a married woman. It’s strange to think that everything is going to change, and yet nothing will change at all.

I’m freaking out beyond words over the wedding. I’m so afraid of so many things. I’m afraid to look dumb. I’m afraid to sweat to much. I’m afraid to say the wrong thing. I’m afraid that my guests will be bored, unimpressed, or somehow offended. As I’ve said many times before today, the wedding may be mine, but it isn’t for me. It’s for the guests and all I want now is for them all to be happy.

185 // Freedom for Who?

The 4th of July has never been a holiday I celebrated as feverously as the rest of the population. I appreciate the break from work and the fireworks are neat too but all I can think about is the fact that while this country was fighting for freedom slavery was still legal.
I keep thinking about who this country was freed for and it wasn’t for all Americans. It wasn’t for half of my ancestors at least. All people on this land were not considered Americans and still aren’t.
But, I love this country still. I can’t escape where I am from and despite the past, I’m happy to be here and now. I love this country though I don’t think my country loves me back as much.
Our 4th was good, even if we didn’t end up celebrating it as wild and as enthusiastically as other Americans. I got to visit with my sister for a while and the first of our families coming in for the wedding arrived tonight.
The illegal neighborhood fireworks were spectacular this year as well. The exploding lights in the rain, against the lightning, and completing with the thunder made for a 4th I know I will remember for a long time.

184 // We Will Be Okay

I’m still feeling good after yesterday’s walkthrough with the caterer and though my to-do list keeps growing and growing the weight of the big day has been lifted off of me. There is now the possibility that I can stick to my timeline and I now know that clean up after the event is taken care of as well. Expenses continue to add up as well but even if we end up a bit over budget, I know we will be ok.
Sometimes things ending up badly is as much of a relief as them ending up well because at least they are finally ending. 

183 // I Pledge

Planning this wedding has taught me a lot about friendship and community. I’ve learned that you will probably never mean as much to the people who mean the most to you and the people who would give everything to be there for you are never the people who you think of first. I’ve learned that perhaps I’m not a very good friend either and that I have perhaps let some very good opportunities for connection pass me by.

I’ve decided I am no longer chasing people who keep me at arm’s length. I pledge instead to embrace the ones who always offer open arms to me. I pledge to be less insecure and more vulnerable. I pledge to trust my gut and take leaps of faith. I pledge to give those who express interest in being a part of my life the chance to and to allow those who clearly want to leave the opportunity to do so easily and quickly.

182 // Thank You

Breaking up with friends is just as hard as it is in romantic relationships. You invest yourself in them, mentally and emotionally. You love them. You open up to them. You trust them and want to give and share all that you can with them too, but sometimes they let you down. They cross your boundaries. They lie. They take you for granted, and occasionally they just ghost you. It hurts. I’m hurt.

Wasting time in any kind of relationship is awful but knowing as soon as possible the true nature of the people in your life is a blessing. I wish I had known right away, but I’m glad I didn’t find out years from now longer. Now I have a better grasp of what real friendship looks like and a clearer vision of who my real friends are. Thank you.

 

181 // Self-Care Sunday

I can hear the fireworks going off around the neighborhood again. I guess it’s that time of year. I haven’t been sleeping well lately and between the sudden summer heat and the nightly displays of patriotism, I’m sure I won’t sleep well again until August…

I’ve decided not to go into work tomorrow since we have the walkthrough and it’s easier to stay home than to rush home for the dog beforehand. I want to stay up late since I know I don’t have to get up early but I’m trying to be mindful of what my body needs and to practice self-care while my stress levels are so high. I’m leading by example and by need. The stress is affecting our health and it would be a shame to end up in the ER or to rack up any medical bills before the big day.

So, it’s back to basics. We’re going to bed on time, drinking lots of water, meditating, and going for walks. We’re eating meals, eliminating snacks, and getting away from the T.V. more. We’re holding each other accountable to prevent procrastination and guilt. We’re looking out for each other, being patient with ourselves, and accepting what is out of our control.

180 // Uninterrupted Hours

I swear I had a plan for this morning. I went to bed with a to-do list and strong determination but by the time I’d woken up and got moving, I suddenly had nothing at all on my plate. One to-do item had to be moved to this evening since I will need help. Then an appointment had to be rescheduled to later today. Still, another item will require an additional step and another day and if there was anything else, I simply forgot.

So, I suddenly had about 5 uninterrupted hours all to myself (my fiance has back-to-back hair, make-up, and wedding dress appointments this morning) and opted to use them cleaning my long-neglected house and working on a few small writing things instead. It’s been nice after the week I’ve had to finally have time alone in my head and at the keyboard.

179 // Be Grateful Instead

Another long, sweltering day ahead of me but my mood has slightly improved. It is finally Friday, and the schedule is much more relaxed than the last few days have been. Still, I’m struggling and the only thing that is keeping me going is the hope that there will be a few drinks and a few close friends to spend the evening with. I need to find a way out of this funk I have been in!


So, the night dinner and drinks gathering I’d hoped for didn’t work out. Everyone is busy, or tired, or watching their spending. Next weekend too, and then there is the wedding, so we all have tentative plans for the weekend after the weekend after this weekend. When you’re over 30 friendships barely exist.

But, the night wasn’t terrible. My fiance and I are spending the evening with a pepperoni pizza, The Handmaid’s Tale, and High Life. We have a busy weekend ahead so staying in and foregoing the alcohol was probably a good decision, though I am still rather bitter and restless.

But I’m trying to be grateful instead. The weekend is over and I am home. It’s all I have been asking for and I have it finally.