I had a bad morning, but I don’t want to write about that. I don’t want my whole day defined by it. A week, a month, a year from now I don’t want to look back and remember only what went wrong.
There is still good to find and still good to do. The blue sky is always there.
The core of the issue is my recent struggle to wake up with my alarm, before the sun and the rest of the house. Waking with everyone else means sharing my time and space and I like having time to call my own and space I can do whatever I want however I want.
But these hours of peace are actually about so much more than being in silence or being alone. These hours are made of more than intangible time, they are physical, solid, and substantial too. I can feel them as space. I can touch them, hold them, and run my fingers and my mind through them.
I’m in love with the tranquility that the morning twilight brings before the day’s activities and expectations begin and being away from it for these past few weeks has left me guilt ridden and, in a way, lonely.
Without those hours there is no time in which I can find to connect deeply with myself, the one who knows and understands me best.
As predicted, another poor night’s sleep has me dragging my feet and snapping at everyone around me. I wish I could do us all a favor and isolate myself but with all the work I have on my plate through next Monday at least I have no choice but to subject all of us to my unpredictable moods.
Coffee is helping and there have been moments of peace I can lose myself into and come out again like the Lisa they all no and love, it’s just that she can’t stay very long.
I have to get back on track with my workout. I really think that will solve so much of my problems with sleep and energy. I’m like a dog wound up too tight with nervous energy. I need to exhaust myself every day to keep those little worries from getting stuck in my head. They get stuck in my head like bits of songs and play on a loop for hours growing louder and louder until my alarm goes off and it’s time to start another day.
Thankfully, the weather is already beginning to warm and this feeling of being cooped up, of boredom and restlessness will pass. Every once in a while I swear I catch the scent of spring in the air. Early yesterday morning it was rain. This afternoon I smelled flowers. Soon nature will return and, in turn, welcome us back to the world with promises of breathtaking beauty and adventure. I cannot wait to be rid of this winter and of who I am in it.