048 // The Numbers Don’t Matter

A dense fog has fallen over the city, making the morning mysterious and dreamy, and making me contemplative and deliberate.

This is one of those days where focus comes easy. It’s the kind of day you want to spend alone with your thoughts and your work. It’s a good writing kind of day, and I am lucky that there will be time to match the motivation.

My mornings are slowly returning to a calmer and more effective routine. I’ve been able to get up with my alarm two days in a row, and for the first time in almost a month I had some time to meditate. Watching that run streak turn over from zero to one brought back that old excitement and sense of accomplishment, but it also brought back that old sense of anxiety.

I wish these kinds of apps didn’t track your “days in a row”. I know why they do it. That anxiety I feel is what keeps me logging in, watching ads, or paying subscription fees, but it isn’t good for morale. That counter will keep you coming back until the one day when you inevitably “fail”. Then it’s only all that much harder to come back to your good habits.

I tell myself that the numbers don’t really matter, that a day away here and there is okay. What matters is the effort. You don’t fail until you fail to try again.

Easy enough to say but harder done to believe.

048//366

I’m off of work for the holiday which is about as much as the 3rd Monday in February ever means to me. The holiday was first meant to be a celebration of George Washington’s birth a man who not only owned slaves but fought for the formation of a country founded on stolen land.

Lincoln’s birthday was added to the celebration and though he’s a much more respectable man and more worthy of remembrance for me than Washington, but he is only one of many Presidents who have let women, people of color, and the LGBTQ community down.

So, I’m spending the day pretending it’s Sunday instead and getting ready for the workweek at a much more relaxed pace than I’m usual. I made sure to start my preparation early in the weekend knowing that I’d spend much of my actual Sunday out of the house. Tomorrow will be a sort of half work day. It’s an “non-pupal contact” day which means the district will be open but there are no students to transport. Most of my coworkers will be out so it’ll be nice and quiet.

Just knowing I get to ease into the week and that it will be a short week too makes the end to the weekend a calm and peaceful one. I wish every “Sunday” could be like this.