274 // Bad Start

Well, this morning is off to a pretty bad start. I woke up late. I struggled to get ready for the day. I’m tired and irritable. I’m messing everything up and as much as I have given up on today, it seems today has given up on me right back.

I had thought upon arriving at work that the wrinkles of my mood and luck would smooth out but everything seems to be going wrong and the gap between my expectations for the day and the reality of the day is widening all the time and with it my frustration and impatience keeps on growing.

The good thing is I’m lucky enough to have the kind of job where I determine my days and I have the support I need to set back and determine my attitude too. I don;t have the emotional strength yet, but I’m sure after a few things get checked off my to-do list and I’ve had a meal and a cup of something with caffeine in it.

The good thing too is there are going to be plenty of breaks and the real possibility of the day ending early. That means time to decompress, to write, to practice the self-care I clearly need. Until then, I’m doing my best to focus on the positive, on the blue sky I know is there above the clouds and behind all this curmudgeonry and complaining.


The day did in fact improve, and with it my mood. I was able to get some real work done, more than I have in many weeks, and I even managed a smile while I did it. Everything just needs time. Everything changes, both for good and bad, in time. My sour perspective has brightened, and that’s good, but I am under no illusion that tomorrow I won’t have turned back toward the worst again. Good and bad, good and bad, they both come in their turn, in time.

When I woke up this morning, the house was so cold, and I was still so tired, and my body ached, and my head ached, and my will to push through just wasn’t there. Getting up and rushing through my morning routine felt physically impossible. So, I listened to my body and took a self-care day.

Around midmorning my youngest sister stopped by to chat before school. Being the oldest sister I sometimes get caught up in feelings of bitterness and jealousy over the lives my younger siblings get to lead. I remember how much I gave up or how much I was never even allowed to have in the first place just because I came first. It get a little down about it sometimes, but sometimes but I feel an overwhelming pride too. They all turned out to be such good people and I’m honored to have played a role in that.

After she left, I wore myself out cleaning the house and doing a couple of small house projects because I never can take a whole day just for me; I feel too guilty, but I did get some reading in, and worked on the courses I’m taking, and made time for some fun blog things too.

I wish every day could be like this.