319 // Catching Up with Myself

For weeks, maybe months now, I’ve been longing for time to do nothing but what I want to do, even if that means doing nothing at all, and finally that day has arrived. The plan is to catch up on much-needed sleep, reading, journalling, doomscrolling, and more sleep.

The weather has taken a strange turn since this morning. The day started sunny and calm, but very quickly the wind began whipping around the house and dark clouds rolled in on it. I could hear trash cans, and furniture, and things blowing through surrounding yards and all day hoped the fences, trees, and power lines would hold upright.

Besides the cold creeping in through every hidden crack and failing seal and the eerie sounds waking me again and again from those much-needed naps, the winds passed with little more than threats and this evening we’ve returned to quiet and calm.

Inside I’m feeling far from peaceful though. Yesterday I spoke with my doctor and we are officially and finally changing course in my care. There are going to be new medications, new expectations, new hopes, and new norms to get used to—again. It’s a good thing really, because what I am doing isn’t working, but change is always scary.

So, in addition to resting, I’m processing what all of this might mean and how I feel about all of it. I’m working hard to practice acceptance, gratitude, and self-love. I’m forgiving my body and focusing my thoughts on how strong I have been through all of this. Moving forward I’ll have to keep being strong and that means gaining a new perspective. That means crawling out of this funk and finding the blue sky, even if I have to wait for a few clouds to pass first.

Today doesn’t feel very much like a Friday. Everything around me is happening so fast but time is crawling. I feel confused, clumsy, and very much in everyone’s way. I can’t keep up with the chaos today.

I’m here physically but mentally I’m just waiting around for the week to end. I’m unproductive and uncaring. I’m irritated with everyone else because I’m disappointed in myself.

There was so much I wanted to do but yesterday afternoon I lost the mojo I’d had all week. I suppose a day or two of rest is not only nothing to be ashamed of but also required. I just wish I could be more like everyone else and make it through the whole week before fizzling out.