104 // The Heart Remembers Longer

Today stands in stark contrast to yesterday. Today was not a perfect day. It wasn’t really even a good day though it had its moments and picked up toward the end. It was a lonely day full of small stinging pricks and old pains resurfacing. A low rage smoldered and self-pity hang about my mind like dreary rain clouds. 

Tonight I’ll fall asleep with a smile on my face and a feeling of content in my limbs but my heart will be hard and heavy. It remembers longer than the body or the mind you know.


These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren

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045 // Riding Emotional Rollercoasters

Every day is an emotional roller coaster. From hour to hour I am swinging wildly from despair, drowning and wishing I’d never been born, or, if I had to choose the second best, longing to die soon, the next I’m loving every part of life and grieving an eternity I had no right to ever expect.

Is anyone else out there living at such extremes? Is it only me that sees so much good existing right alongside so much bad. Am I the only hopeless one overflowing with faith? Am I the only one suffering in loneliness and all the while loving and being loved so deeply? Is anyone else out there like me, prematurely grieving the inevitable loss of existence, the world, an entire species they cannot wait to be rid of?

P.S. Happy Valentine’s Day to all of you out there, both the coupled and the single. Valentine’s Day may be marketed as a holiday for lovers but the truth is love exists in many forms and every relationship deserves recognition and celebration.


These entries are inspired by the journal posts of Thord D. Hedengren

039 // Writing Has to Be Work

I may not always like the things I have to do. I may be tired and grouchy a lot of the time, but I pride myself on always doing my best work regardless of where I am emotionally.

I do this for my day job easily. When the work is hard or frustrating or unfulfilling it doesn’t I put a smile on and do everything I can to exceed all expectations, even my own. It’s my superpower, one of many but I need to learn how to take that same attitude and apply it to writing.

I need to be able to do it when it’s difficult, or frustrating, or unfulfilling too. I want to sit down, exhausted and out of ideas, put on a smile and exceed all expectations, especially my own. I think writing has to become a job for me, even if it is only so in my imagination and not on paper.


These entries are inspired by the journal posts of Thord D. Hedengren

038 // Doom and Gloom Mood

I’ve realized since I started writing these journal posts every night that I have a lot of bad days. I’m not sure if it’s because I’m just a negative person and I’m always focusing on the bad, or if it’s some kind of high-functioning depression maybe? Maybe I’m just so tired, or too sensitive, or maybe I’m in some kind of rut.

Maybe it isn’t a me thing per se but a human thing. Maybe the bad, the sad, the hurtful and the frustrating just have an easier time sticking with people through the end of the day.

Today was another bad day. It was a long, frustrating, and exhausting day. I felt lonely, and irritable, and angry. It was the weather, and the delayed school schedule, and the stupid rules at work. It was nobody I wanted to talk to having time for me and all the people I didn’t want to talk to wasting my time. It was the fatigue, and the joint pain, the cold and the snow. It was the traffic, and the news, and my own stupid mistakes.

But it couldn’t have been all bad. I don’t want to be anyway. I have to get back to seeing the good even on the worst days. I have to get out of this doom and gloom mood!


These entries are inspired by the journal posts of Thord D. Hedengren

037 // I Needed a Good Cry

It was a weird weather day here in Denver, Colorado. We woke to frigid temperatures and a second day in a row of thick fog. The wind picked up just as the morning rush hour began and the freezing fog quickly frosted every tree branch and grass blade. Luckily, the roads stayed dry, but only just until lunchtime when the full brunt of the snowstorm hit us.

I spent most of my day indoors trying to stay warm. I was still upset about yesterday’s trauma when I woke up and by the time I got to work I was in tears.

I think needed a good cry in order to move on. I’m a sensitive person and the only way I can get through anything is to allow my emotions to flow freely and at full force for a time. After the tears stopped I felt better, and even more so later in the day when I heard the city may take tangible steps to prevent this horrible accident from ever repeating.

In the afternoon the snow picked up and murmurs of a possible snow day rippled through my workplace. I don’t think we’ll get one but I’m so thrilled by the idea that I can’t give up hope. An unscheduled day off, one with no expectations, a day unplugged and off the calendar feels like a true blessing.

Unexpected, undeserved and always appreciated.


These entries are inspired by the journal posts of Thord D. Hedengren