Last night we went out for dinner and drinks with our “couples group”. I had a great time while we were out but all last night I laid wide awake in the dark replaying every interaction and word I said. I analyzed every response and tried to decipher tones and facial expressions looking for reasons to be embarrassed. I didn’t want to do this but my mind wouldn’t stop. The night was like a song stuck in my head. There was nothing I could do but wait it out.

I hate that I am like this.


My brother just called, waking me from a short nap I needed after my late night of self depreciation. He needs someone to watch the kids, and I am his last resort and hope. I agreed, reluctantly. I love my niece and nephew so much, but I am not good with kids. I prefer supervised visitations where I am not the sole responsible adult. I agreed though, it’s only for a few hours. My wife is on her way to buy snacks and we have Disney+ already up and ready.

Update: The kids were fine. We watched Frozen and Wreck It Ralph. We ate snacks. They broke a few things but nothing important. I feel much more confident and would agree to watch them again, but just as reluctantly as I did this time.

131 // So Much Pressure

The fitting went wonderfully. The place wasn’t especially welcoming but it was professional and sometimes that, for me anyway, is much more comfortable. She pinned everything in all over and even said the suit was cute. She said it will be a lot of work but it will be done and soon.


We’ve just gotten home from dinner with friends and I’m doing that thing again where I overanalyzing every single word I said and action I took and coming to the same conclusion again and again. I am an idiot. I am an embarrassment. They are laughing at me, talking about me, they all actually hate me.

I know deep down none of that is true. I know my friends like being around me and that any social gaffs of blunders I’m guilty of are not only understandable but completely normal! I know no one will remember that weird response or me dropping my fork. I know no one cares if I laugh too loud or make a dumb joke. I know it’s all okay.

So, why do I put so much pressure on myself? Why do I punish myself this way?


These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren