085 // If Only

Today was day 2 of the conference I’m attending through work and though I still can’t say I learned a lot of new things I can say I walked away with a lot to think about and even more to be optimistic about.

It turns out that despite what you may see on TV or read on social media; the world is still moving toward the good. Kids are going to schools that are more compassionate, understanding, and open than ever before and becoming more so every day.

They are learning more than just facts. They are learning who they are, not being told, and to exist firmly and wholly in a world with other people. It’s beautiful and bittersweet. If only these studies, these policies, and these teachers had existed when I was in school…sigh.


These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren

083 // I Can Do Anything

Feeling low tonight, but at the same time, I’m feeling hopeful and excited too.

I’m trying something new. Whenever I feel scared, anxious, or worried I first tell myself that my fears are valid. I tell myself that I am absolutely right, that all the worst things I imagine could, in fact, come to pass, but after that, I always imagine what it will be like when I come out the other side of my fear, my anxiety, and everything I worry about having overcome it all. I imagine what a triumph that would be. I imagine the pride I will feel and what praise I’ll receive.

It may be strange but seeing yourself on the other side—even a narcissistic and shallow version basking in the glow of my loved one’s admiration—seems to help. The more I imagine her the more the possibility of being that girl becomes real and just like my worries and fears and anxieties can absolutely come true, so too can this opposite reality where I can am brave and can do anything.


These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren

082 // The Week is Looming Already

Still feeling good about yesterday’s progress but the stress is slowly rising up again too. There are still so many more big decisions to make and still so little time to make them in. The time for celebration and congratulations are over, the shame of my procrastination has returned. We’re still so far behind.

And on top of that next week is looming bigger and scarier all the time. I have a work conference to attend on Monday and Tuesday and I’m scared. Not of anything in particular, but of everything, and for no reason at all. Nothing is expected of me but to go and learn, but it’s terrifying to be out of my comfort zone. I’m excited too but somehow that only adds to my fear.

Anxiety is so hard to explain.


These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren

080 // My Big Girl Pants

I put on my big girl pants and went back to work today. I held my head high and acted unbothered. There were a few fumbles in the beginning but for the most part, it was a good day. I got to do the work I wanted. I felt useful, and for the most part, was left alone.

And now my weekend can begin. I took tomorrow off for no reason other than I just wanted to. I probably shouldn’t have. I’ll probably regret it and I’ll probably miss the money, but for now, it feels good. I always sleep best when I don’t work the next day and God damn am I exhausted. I need this.

Next week is already stressful, sigh.


These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren

064 // Getting Through

I can’t wait to get through this week! I’m looking forward to the weekend when all this will be over and I can once again concentrate on my own problems, plans, and worries.

…I’m always trying to just get through. I’m trying to get through this task, this day, this week, this event or this worry. I imagine when it’s over everything will be easier, but the truth is it won’t. There will always be another hard task, day, week, event, or worry. The truth is all those tasks, and days, and weeks, and events, and worries are what life is made of and I shouldn’t wish it all away so easily.


These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren

063 // Release Yourself

Sometimes our offers of help are rejected and our best-laid plans swept entirely aside. Sometimes we know that we know best but all efforts to convince anyone are in vain. We’re forced to swallow our pride and allow others to take the lead. We’re forced to follow a path we know leads to failure and to follow it with enthusiasm, energy, cheerfulness, and camaraderie.

It’s absolutely awful, and it’s life.

But then again, with our pride pushed firmly aside we might be able to see the silver lining. We might be able to see that what we’d tried to control wasn’t ours to control in the first place and holding onto it only keeps us from what is ours to direct and command. Let someone else take this burden. Release yourself from the stress and do only, think only, care only for what we have to, then go home to what belongs to you alone.


These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren

043 // It Isn’t Just Me

Absolutely exhausting day. I’m working much more than I’m used to and much more than I probably should considering I haven’t started the new medication yet. I’m supposed to keep my stress levels in check but between the increased workload, wedding planning, waiting on answers from my health insurance provider, and the day to day worries about relationships and money, I’ve about had it.

I’m not angry, and I’m not being treated unfairly. It’s important to remember that. When I ask for help, really ask with specificity and confidence, my pleas are met with seriousness and concern. People who can help do, but there just aren’t enough people who can. Everyone is working more and I’m simply being asked to step up. I’m not thrilled and I am struggling, but it isn’t just me. I have to remember that.


These entries are inspired by the journal posts of Thord D. Hedengren

042 // Above and Beyond

I was so engulfed in enjoying my weekend I forgot how much work was awaiting me on Monday. I walked into work and was bombarded immediately with tasks and schedule changes. Help is limited, and I’m frustrating. I’m struggling to balance my time and I’m tempted to simply give up and let other people figure it out, but that isn’t me.

I always do my best, even when I’m tired and frustrated. I make it a point to know my job well enough to teach it to others. It’s important to me to make sure other people, especially new people, feel important and welcome. I’m proud of that and I’m proud of myself today.


These entries are inspired by the journal posts of Thord D. Hedengren