210 // All Out of Sorts

Today was rough. Work has been rough since my return last week. I’m burned out on doing what I am good at but not what I love. I’m burned out on expectations and admiration. I burned out on being looked to and longing to work alone on what really thrills and fulfills me.

I went home early and had to nap after staying up so late last night. That may have been part of the reason today was so rough. I had a headache. I miss my wife. I’m worried about the coming year. I’m hot and hungry. I’m all out of sorts and I just want to be left alone to get back right but course, I have a busy schedule the whole week ahead and, of course, it’s up to me to make sure it all goes according to plan.

I’m trying to remember that I’m not stuck here and that this rut is only temporary.

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181 // Self-Care Sunday

I can hear the fireworks going off around the neighborhood again. I guess it’s that time of year. I haven’t been sleeping well lately and between the sudden summer heat and the nightly displays of patriotism, I’m sure I won’t sleep well again until August…

I’ve decided not to go into work tomorrow since we have the walkthrough and it’s easier to stay home than to rush home for the dog beforehand. I want to stay up late since I know I don’t have to get up early but I’m trying to be mindful of what my body needs and to practice self-care while my stress levels are so high. I’m leading by example and by need. The stress is affecting our health and it would be a shame to end up in the ER or to rack up any medical bills before the big day.

So, it’s back to basics. We’re going to bed on time, drinking lots of water, meditating, and going for walks. We’re eating meals, eliminating snacks, and getting away from the T.V. more. We’re holding each other accountable to prevent procrastination and guilt. We’re looking out for each other, being patient with ourselves, and accepting what is out of our control.

130 // Stress, Terror, Exhaustion

The stress is getting to be too much. Were nearly two months out now and I’m still not even sure what we are doing or what we should be doing next. I’m designing menu cards and ceremony signs and she’s putting together centerpieces but it feels like we should be doing something else, something more.

Tomorrow I’m supposed to head to the first tailor on my list for suit alterations but to be honest I don’t want to go. My anxiety is through the roof! I’m scared of being turned away. I’m scared that the suit can’t be fitted or that no matter what they do I will still look bad in it. I’m afraid of the price too. I’m fucking terrified to end up back at square one again.

To top it off things keep changing too. Sometimes it’s what we can’t do, sometimes its something we realize we have to do, and other times it’s realizing finally what it is we want to do. Staying on the same page is difficult, and the patience we show for one another, though exhausting, is only further proof we belong together.


These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren

092 // Grateful for the Frustration

The week was going well until I was informed it would inevitably end on a hectic note. A new class of employees is starting and my team and I are needed to train and test them. It’s a bigger class than we’ve had in a while and that means more hours must be given up for the task. Hours I would normally spend reading or writing.

It’s hard to plan my weeks, make progress on projects, or reach goals when my schedule keeps changing so much, but maybe that’s life. Maybe I’m lucky to have any semblance of a routine to impact in the first place. I suppose there are people whose day-to-day is more chaos than calm every day. I wonder how they cope?

But, once again what frustrates me also serves to remind me how lucky I am, how far I have come, and how much I have to be grateful for.


These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren

090 // Sunday Night Rage

As usual, the weekend flew by too quickly and, of course, I didn’t get to even half of the things I’d hoped. My next chance won’t be for another 5 days now and, at this moment, looking down the long length of those five days, I’m filled with righteous indignation. Five days of every week I must give up and just two are left over for me? Half of which I need to use is in recovering from the five!

Sunday nights and all the required preparation only remind me how bleak and pitiless this reality really is.


These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren

086 // It Could Be Worse

I was finally able, after weeks of back and forth with my doctor, my insurance provider, the pharmacy, and the drug company, to get my medication and now I find myself almost too afraid to take it! They really should try to find gentler wording to use in those warning packets they give you the first time, you know?

I wish I felt comfortable enough to share the outrageous cost of the medication here but I will tell you that after ringing up the bottle the pharmacist simply started at the screen with a look that was equal parts confused and astounded.

He wouldn’t even speak and only after I told him he was worrying me and asked him to please explain the look on my face did he ask me what I normally paid for the medication. I told him that whatever the cost I wasn’t the one paying; it was the drug company, and he sighed relief on my behalf. When the price came up on the card reader, I understood his shock. Even if it wasn’t my money, it hurt a little to swipe that card.

No matter what I go through in this shit show of a healthcare system I am constantly reminded that it could be worse. I could have had to pay that price tag with my own money, and in all honestly, that price would have been many times larger if I didn’t have insurance at all.

I’m frustrated for me but I’m wholeheartedly sorry for those worse off. I hope change comes soon and we all get relief from this cruel and unnecessary bureaucracy.


These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren

085 // If Only

Today was day 2 of the conference I’m attending through work and though I still can’t say I learned a lot of new things I can say I walked away with a lot to think about and even more to be optimistic about.

It turns out that despite what you may see on TV or read on social media; the world is still moving toward the good. Kids are going to schools that are more compassionate, understanding, and open than ever before and becoming more so every day.

They are learning more than just facts. They are learning who they are, not being told, and to exist firmly and wholly in a world with other people. It’s beautiful and bittersweet. If only these studies, these policies, and these teachers had existed when I was in school…sigh.


These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren

083 // I Can Do Anything

Feeling low tonight, but at the same time, I’m feeling hopeful and excited too.

I’m trying something new. Whenever I feel scared, anxious, or worried I first tell myself that my fears are valid. I tell myself that I am absolutely right, that all the worst things I imagine could, in fact, come to pass, but after that, I always imagine what it will be like when I come out the other side of my fear, my anxiety, and everything I worry about having overcome it all. I imagine what a triumph that would be. I imagine the pride I will feel and what praise I’ll receive.

It may be strange but seeing yourself on the other side—even a narcissistic and shallow version basking in the glow of my loved one’s admiration—seems to help. The more I imagine her the more the possibility of being that girl becomes real and just like my worries and fears and anxieties can absolutely come true, so too can this opposite reality where I can am brave and can do anything.


These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren

082 // The Week is Looming Already

Still feeling good about yesterday’s progress but the stress is slowly rising up again too. There are still so many more big decisions to make and still so little time to make them in. The time for celebration and congratulations are over, the shame of my procrastination has returned. We’re still so far behind.

And on top of that next week is looming bigger and scarier all the time. I have a work conference to attend on Monday and Tuesday and I’m scared. Not of anything in particular, but of everything, and for no reason at all. Nothing is expected of me but to go and learn, but it’s terrifying to be out of my comfort zone. I’m excited too but somehow that only adds to my fear.

Anxiety is so hard to explain.


These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren

080 // My Big Girl Pants

I put on my big girl pants and went back to work today. I held my head high and acted unbothered. There were a few fumbles in the beginning but for the most part, it was a good day. I got to do the work I wanted. I felt useful, and for the most part, was left alone.

And now my weekend can begin. I took tomorrow off for no reason other than I just wanted to. I probably shouldn’t have. I’ll probably regret it and I’ll probably miss the money, but for now, it feels good. I always sleep best when I don’t work the next day and God damn am I exhausted. I need this.

Next week is already stressful, sigh.


These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren