Lisa Marie Blair

Tag: Today

  • 004//366

    I woke up early to do some small things around the house and start some writing thinking I would be spending much of the day downtown at The Museum of Contemporary Art, but about an hour into the day, just as the sun beginning to rise, I changed my mind. The enthusiasm just wasn’t there.

    I decided that, rather than venturing out into the world to fight the people, and the weather, and my own stupid anxiety, I would spend the day taking care of me instead.

    So, I went to the pharmacy for my medication. I did my work out. I took a nice long shower and washed my hair. I listened to an amazing podcast. I changed my blog theme. I did a little writing, and I then collapsed on the couch to binge-watch Fleabag with my wife.

    And I think I’ll stay like this for the rest of the night. I’m sore from the workout and exhausted from the shower. I have my laptop, my book, and my journal here, and there isn’t much more I’d like to do or anywhere else that feels more fulfilling to be.

  • 002//366

    I was meant to be at work today but a lack of sleep over the last few nights and two days of stomach pain and headaches have kept me in bed. I was up early though. The sound and sickening smell of dog vomit hitting the carpet had me cleaning and rushing around before 5 AM. It’s my fault though. Last night I accidently left a large bone with her while I went out for dinner with friends. Normally only gets half of a treat like that at a time but in my absence she ate the whole thing. It’s going to be a long day for both of us.

    Now the plan for today is to write and to stay out of my wife’s way. She planned a very productive day for herself but my presence can be a distraction for her. We tend to fall into our cozy bubble and forget expectations, obligations, and plans when we are together. It’s a good and bad thing. As much as I’d love to pull her in now and pursued her to forget that to-do list and that feeling of accomplishment she’s chasing but I know that sometimes love means leaving the one you love alone so they can go live that part of their life that exists outside of you.

    So, now I’m in the “creativity room” feeling quite directionless. I can’t write so I’m making lists instead which I hope will be useful for the next time I can’t write. I’m watching Crash Course Psychology videos picking out useful phrases, writing them on scrap pieces of paper, and word associating whatever I write down. It feels like I’m doing something but I’m scared I’m really not. I suppose it depends the truth depends on what I do with the lists and notes next.

    Most of the time they collect into piles on my desk that get purged yearly. Most end up as nothing but trash because I lose the context that sparked them. I suppose if I went back tomorrow and followed up I could actually make something out of them instead.

    Time is moving blissfully slow tonight while my wife and I share plates of leftover crab and sausage, sip the last of the wine we’ll have for a while, and watch episodes of Modern Love on Amazon in a sweet re-celebration of New Year’s day.

    The house is nice and clean and after her errands she brought home night lights to put throughout the house for me now that I’m up so often in the middle of the night and so early in the mornings. All that good food, this home, her, our new shared last names, the new year, and the shot of amaretto I had after dinner, all of it is swirling around in my head and filling me with the most exquisite happiness.

    P.S. The dog is doing much better. She only threw up twice today and for the most part only on her own blankets and bed. This isn’t even out of the norm for her. She’s always had a rather sensitive stomach, like me. She’s had plenty of water and I’m sure by morning she’ll be back to her old self.

  • 061 // A Peaceful Moment

    I can see the snow starting to fall from our big living room window and all my ladies are sleeping around me. My girlfriend is stretched out to left on the couch, the dog is at my feet and the cat is snoring in her tower to the right. The TV is quiet, my girlfriend having nodded off before she could choose a movie, and for the moment, life is peaceful.

    I hope for the same peace tomorrow when there will be more snow and nothing calling us up and out of the house. I wish I could have it every day forever, but soon there will be work and a lot of work and family obligations to get in the way. That’s why I mark these moments when I can. I hold them in my heart and pull them out on whenever I’m overwhelmed or anxious.

    This kind of peace, I have to remind myself, does exist and I will always be able to find it again.

    These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren

  • 060 // The Privilege of Problems

    It was all downhill from my morning coffee.

    I don’t want to fill this place with more complaints and curmudgeonry so I’ll simply say that I’m grateful for the problems I do have because they are proof of my privilege. I’m grateful to have a job and the respect and consideration of my coworkers. I’m happy to have a home that needs cleaning, friends and family to be obligated to, and a relationship that requires time, patience, compromise, and understanding.

    I’m grateful for my problems, and for Fridays, that revitalizing light at the end of the tunnel I need to push on toward the weekend.

    These entries are inspired by the journal posts of Thord D. Hedengren

  • 059 // Simply Unfair

    The weather may not be sapping my energy today, but other people certainly are. I feel let down and taken advantage of. I feel unimportant and at the same time, I feel like everything is being put on me.

    I don’t want to complain though. I can’t control other people. I can talk to them, sure, but I may have to accept that some things are simply unfair and focus on what I have to do rather than what others are not doing.

    These entries are inspired by the journal posts of Thord D. Hedengren

  • 058 // Tired of the Season

    I struggled to match yesterday’s enthusiasm but there was still measurable progress made. The week has already gotten away from me though and I’m not sure I’m going to meet those writing goals I set for myself but it isn’t from lack of trying so I’m not going to beat myself up over it.

    I couldn’t resist watching Micheal Cohen testify before the House Oversight Committee today. Part of me wishes I had skipped it and done more writing or reading instead, but another part felt that this was too important a political event to miss. I was a wild ride and not a moment of it felt like a waste.

    I’m especially tired tonight for no good reason at all. Sure, I didn’t get the best sleep last night, but not the worst either. I didn’t spend the day working too hard, physically or mentally, and there was plenty of coffee to drink and I even took a nap mid-afternoon.

    Still, I came home feeling drained and disoriented. I couldn’t hold a thought in my head and I kept forgetting what it was I wanted to do next. All I wanted, more than food, more than my TV shows, more than even a shower, was to go straight to bed.

    I blame the weather. I blame the frigid temperatures and the depressing fog that hung around the city all day. I blame the threat of over the coming weekend and the way winter has exhausted me these last few weeks. I’m simply tired of the season. I can’t take much more.

    But, tomorrow is the last day of February and there are just 21 days left until Spring now. I think I’ll make it though it will be hard.

    These entries are inspired by the journal posts of Thord D. Hedengren

  • 057 // Small but Measurable

    I took today for myself and when I did I promised not to waste it. I did all the things I wanted to do until each little goal was met, and then I did no more.

    I did one day’s worth of Spanish lessons and didn’t concern myself with being top of the leaderboard. I watched one day’s worth of videos for Social Norms, Social Change I and I didn’t try to complete the whole week at once. I read exactly 50 pages of One Hundred Years of Solitude so there would be time left for writing, and worked on a draft of my next “Currently” post without the pressure of trying to make it perfect right away.

    I’m practicing chipping away at things. I’m doing less of each thing per day so that I can accomplish more in the long term. I’m not rushing, or pressuring myself, or feeling guilty and because of that, there is no reason to be afraid, to be overwhelmed, or to procrastinate.

    Today wasn’t perfect but I learned that it helps to use a timer and to schedule my time on social media. It helps to set a clear goal for each task and to decide before you begin exactly when you will stop. It helps to turn on some music and to have a plan for when you get distracted, stuck, or tired.

    I feel good tonight, and proud. I wanted to keep the momentum going so, I turned off the TV early and made time for a short walk, a long shower, and one more chapter before bed.

    I look forward to some small but measurable progress tomorrow.

    These entries are inspired by the journal posts of Thord D. Hedengren

  • 056 // Spreading Things Out

    I’ve been thinking about what I wrote yesterday, about trying to do too much on Sundays because I don’t know what Sundays are for. I realized that Sundays are not the only days I overload this way. I do the same on Mondays and Fridays too.

    The core of the problem is procrastination. I schedule too much work for the future so I can do nothing now, and then when that future arrives I’m astonished to find that several day’s worth of work will not fit into one. So, I fail, and I give up. I get nothing done and I still keep doing it again and again.

    This week I’d like to try spreading things out more. I’m going to chip away at the big goals by doing a little every day, and for the weekends, perhaps spending half of each day resting and the other half working each day would suit me better?

    Excerpt from a Slowly app letter I wrote today:

    “I get what you are saying about everything being predetermined. I feel the same, as if as all my thoughts or actions originate from somewhere inside of my mind just out of reach of my conscious. The thought comforts me rather than anxiety though and I have no desire to fight it.”

    “I read somewhere that our free will is limited by our ignorance of the choices available to us. The best way to maximize choice and control over your life is to gain knowledge. Knowledge of the world, of history, of people, and of yourself. Just something to think about, or something you’ve made me think about, anyway.”

    These entries are inspired by the journal posts of Thord D. Hedengren

  • 055 // I Never Get Sundays Right

    My problem with Sundays is I expect too much from them. I do nothing on Saturday, that’s my “rest day”, and then I expect to wake up early, write three blog posts, clean my whole house, exercise, cook a big dinner, spend quality time with my girlfriend, watch all my shows, and then go to bed early. I rarely do even half of that, and even less is done well. Today was no exception.

    I suppose I’m just not sure what Sunday’s should be for. Are they for rest? Are they for fun? Are they for working and planning? I keep trying to do it all and I never get it right so maybe it’s time I do Sundays another way?

    These entries are inspired by the journal posts of Thord D. Hedengren

  • 054 // A Whole Lot of Unproductivity

    I woke with grand plans this morning but lost the battle to myself and the couch early on. In my defense sleep has eluded me all week. I’ve been overworked and filled with worry. I’m still off my medication and my body is responding in strange ways including a persist and headache and joints that ache in turn. In my defense I was defenseless.

    So, today I rested and I ate, and tomorrow I’ll get up and try again.

    Wish me the best of luck would you?

    These entries are inspired by the journal posts of Thord D. Hedengren

  • 053 // Human Lies

    It hurts when the people we care about lie to us. Trust is broken and a small part of the world we thought we’d figured out is given over to the unknown and chaotic around us. Things we never thought possible become very real fears, again.

    But a lie doesn’t have to be the end of the world. People lie because they are hurting. They lie because they are ashamed. I should know, I used to lie all the time. That’s how I know that people lie when something in their lives or their hearts becomes severely and painfully broken. Sometimes that pain is a bigger issue than the lie itself.

    And sometimes, if the lie is not very big and if the truth comes to light from the one who spun the untruth first, if we trust in what we know of their heart we can put our hurt aside to find the path past the unpleasantness through honesty, sympathy, patience, and understanding.

    Lying is a human thing, and not necessarily evil. The lies we (all) tell exist on levels and some are less severe, quite understandable, and worthier of forgiveness than others.

    These entries are inspired by the journal posts of Thord D. Hedengren

  • 052 // Troubling Signs

    I’ve been feeling good lately, physically at least. The longer I am off my old infusion medication the better I feel too. I’ve lost weight. I’m happier, more motivated, and enjoying the random bursts of enthusiasm I have for people again. I feel good, but there are troubling signs too. I’m afraid without the infusions to control my ulcerative colitis plus all the stress I’ve been dealing with, a flare is imminent.

    It figures that when my symptoms are under control the rest of my body would feel like crap, and when I get my gut under control, then the rest of my feels cruddy. Sigh.

    Tonight we secured the wedding venue and our date, and we settled on wedding invitations too. Three decisions down, about a thousand more to go. I am finally feeling more excited, but I’m also feeling a lot more anxious and doubtful. I can’t shake the fear that we are now locked into something over our heads and financially foolish. I can’t help doubting we can pull it off or that any of this will be worth it or as wonderful as we dream.

    I just try to remember that at the end of all this I will be married and that, more than any of those thousand little decisions I’ll have to make until then, is what matters most.

    These entries are inspired by the journal posts of Thord D. Hedengren

  • 051 // Never as Bad as I Think

    Woke up late this morning and then laid in bed longer than I should have trying to decide if it was worth seizing another day for myself by calling into work. As nice as the sixth day in a row of relaxing would have been, I decided I didn’t need the guilt and made my way reluctantly and riddled with angst to work.

    I was sure it was going to be a bad day but if I’m honest, it didn’t turn out even half as bad as I feared. I think waking up early isn’t easy, and with all the extra work and the last-minute schedule changes, I’m just feeling extra anxious and pessimistic. Plus, I’m returning from a not-long-enough-by-far vacation and I’m missing some of my favorite coworkers who have left for brighter opportunities.

    Day-to-day things are hard, but they aren’t bad. I just need a new groove, that’s all.

    And the truth is, there was a lot of good today too. I made progress on all fronts including blogging, wedding planning, reading, and in my social norms course. I also realized that even though I don’t consider myself much of a morning person there is a part of me that kind of likes how I feel after I get through that first “getting ready for the day” stage.

    It’s possible that is my most productive time and I never knew it until now. I’m working out how to use it to my advantage considering normally I’m working hard at my day job then.

    Anyway, my point is that nothing is ever as bad as I think it is or will be and I actually enjoy a lot more of my day-to-day life than I like to admit.

    These entries are inspired by the journal posts of Thord D. Hedengren

  • 031 // The Story of Today

    It was one of those days that contains a little of everything in your life. It was the kind of day that before you had actually lived it you never would have described as perfect, or good, or remarkable in any way. If it weren’t for this post forcing me to stop and think about it, I may have forgotten the day entirely by tomorrow.

    But thinking about it now, there was good that felt really good and the kind of bad you feel proud to fight through and overcome. It was quite the battle, the struggle, and the victory. There was love, there was a little bit of tragedy, and there is even a happy ending too.

    Today, it turns out, was actually kind of epic and beautiful. Maybe every day is?

    These entries are inspired by the journal posts of Thord D. Hedengren