Lisa Marie Blair

Statuses

  • The weekend is already too short and I still have a whole day and a half left of it. Hell, I had three days of weekend leading up to it, and it’s still not enough. I’m convinced that rime away from work is no way to reset and return with renewed energy and motivation. No, the more time you have off the harder it is to return to work and the harder it is to find fulfillment in what you have no passion for.

    Knowing this, I have decided to make time today for what I do have a passion for. I’m writing, some, I’m making progress on Coursera readings and videos, and reading, a lot. I’m doing it all from the couch, which probably isn’t the best idea, but I have directed my brain not to consider the TV a priority. Wish me luck.

  • Today is like an empty vessel that needs filling but nothing seems to fit or feel right. I don’t know what to spend my time on. Rest sounds nice but I don’t want to give it too many hours but doing anything else feels like asking too much.

    It turned out to be a rather productive day. I cleaned out the car, cleaned up the kitchen, made a cut out poem, submitted my assignment for week 3 of International Women’s Health and Human Rights, and read nearly 100 pages of Behave: The Biology of Humans at Our Best and Worst by Robert M. Sapolsky.

    I wish I could have done more. I could have, but I chose to lose hours watching T.V. with my wife. I don’t wish I had spent fewer hours doing that in exchange…I just wish I could have done more of both. I wish I could have more hours, more energy, more of all the things I love. I suppose I should just be grateful for what I have. It was a rather productive day after all, and it was a loving one too.

    That is so much more than most people get in 24 hours.

  • I accidentally took a 3 hour nap and now it feels like the whole day is gone. I know it isn’t really but my disappointment and depression are working closely together to keep me from seizing what is left. I just want to keep on sleeping and to be honest I’m already dreading work next Monday. Why am I like this?

    The evening turned out better. I’m always shocked by how romantic browsing the labyrinth of IKEA can feel. Their showrooms and carefully laid out furniture sections make it easy to plan your home together without feeling enclosed by aisles and the reality of other people. We didn’t walk away with the bookshelves we came for but only because I found something better and have to measure the rooms to make sure they will fit.

    After shopping it was burgers and beers, fried pickles and banana pudding for dinner at my favorite casual dining place. I normally hate beer but I tried a Station 26 Tangerine Cream Pale Ale, and it was amazing! It actually tasted like tangerine, but it also tasted like beer. Perhaps is hope for me yet that I might join the world of beer lovers and learn to drink this golden brew without wanting to puke.

    And now we’re home and staying up late to scare ourselves watching In The Tall Grass on Netflix, a horror film apparently based on a Stephen King and Joe Hill novella. I can’t wait for the nightmares.

  • All Ideas Are Dangerous

    One must also recognize that morality is based on ideas and that all ideas are dangerous—dangerous because ideas can only lead to action and where the action leads no man can say. And dangerous in this respect: that confronted with the impossibility of remaining faithful to one’s beliefs, and the equal impossibility of becoming free of them, one can be driven to the most inhuman excesses.”

    — James Baldwin, Stranger in the Village (via Erica Avey)

  • Nothing More

    First Reformed (2017) dir Paul Schrader

  • Susan Sontag on America

    Let’s by all means grieve together. But let’s not be stupid together. A few shreds of historical awareness might help us understand what has just happened, and what may continue to happen. ‘Our country is strong,’ we are told again and again. I for one don’t find this entirely consoling. Who doubts that America is strong? But that’s not all America has to be.”

    — Susan Sontag (via Literary Hub)

  • icons8-journal-100

    I’m feeling exhausted today but the worst of the week is over, I hope, and I am looking forward to more writing hours. Starting today I’m taking harsher measures to avoid distraction. No phone and no internet for 1 hour today. It’ll just be me and the blank screen and if I can’t be trusted even then, it’ll be me and the blank page instead.

    Nothing is going the way I scheduled it to. I hoped for an easy midday and a peaceful lunch but the things other people want are getting in the way. So instead I have 5 minutes here and 5 minutes there in between people walking in to ask me questions, wanting me to do something, making loud comments, or simply wanting to visit.

    But all those five minutes here and five minutes there might add up if I could keep in the back of my mind what I’m trying to do and where I am trying to go before they slip away.

  • icons8-journal-100

    Lately, I have been feeling like nothing is within my control. Not the way I spend my time, not my moods, not when I can eat, where I can go, not even my finances. I feel like I’m being blown here and there by everyone around me from happiness to anger to loneliness to frustration to excitement to hopelessness and back to happiness again without warning and without a way out or up for air.

    I guess that is why the choices I have been making—when I can make choices—seem to always be wrong or detrimental in some way. I don’t choose to eat when I should. I don’t choose to sleep when I should. I don’t choose to write or read when I can. I don’t choose to express my feeling in constructive ways and I don’t choose to be brave when I have the chance.

    Perhaps doing what I’m not supposed to do or what others expect me not to do feels like the only thing I can control but I know the things I am doing aren’t really what I want.

    I want to learn how to let go of what I can’t choose and to focus more on choosing the right things. I don’t want this illusion of control that’s really nothing more than weakness and spite. I want to choose to be focused, hardworking, and strong in every instance where the choice is up to me.

  • icons8-journal-100

    For the first day back to school, today actually went surprisingly well, though that did not make it a good day by a long shot. It’s okay though. I’m home now with my wife, my dog, a plate full of hot wings and a cold beer and not at all willing to rehash the day’s frustrations or disappointments here. I’m just too tired and my mood is quite fragile. I’m trying to be grateful and to enjoy the time I have that belongs to me before it’s time to head to bed, wake up, and do it all over again. 

    It’s going to be a long week.

    It’s going to be a long year.

    *sigh*

  • icons8-journal-100

    Today I was a good wife, a good daughter, a good sister, and a good aunt too. It’s rare I am even one of these most days—or maybe it’s only rare I ever feel like I am—but today I got to be good in all the ways I’m always struggling to be good. Today I not only felt loved and admired but I felt deserving of love and admiration.

    For the moment I don’t desire to be anyone else.

  • icons8-journal-100

    I think I will do nothing at all today and deal with my come tomorrow. I haven’t been sleeping well again and my body is hurting this morning. I could sleep here on this couch for at least another half a day easily, and I think I just might.

    Sorry not sorry.

  • icons8-journal-100

    This week has feels like its lasted at least two weeks long and I already know the weekend won’t feel at all long enough but that’s ok. I’ll take whatever I can get.

    I spent most of today helping out in the main office. The new school year starts on Monday and we are still moving into our newly renovated building. Nothing is ready. I wish I could have done more to help but I am already at hours and I am not being offered overtime. No matter how much I love my coworkers or how much I want them to succeed I am quite strongly and morally opposed to working for free so I went home early.

    Now I’ve got a few cold beers waiting and my wife has promised to pick up a few tacos and an order of sopapillas on her way home. It’s time to start the weekend!

  • icons8-journal-100

    Sometimes people try to help you but only end up making you feel small. Sometimes people giving you more opportunities only reminds you of what you can’t do.

    I love what I do, I’m good at what I do, and I am happy doing what I do but I do think I deserve more for my contributions. Instead of paying me more for what I do what I am often offered is more money to do something else and no one can seem to wrap their head around why I might not want that.

    I have years of knowledge on anyone else around me. My knowledge is specialized but I have the time and the patience to delve deep. I elevate the standards and keep the liability low. My job is important and having someone confident and competent in my position is important.

    But that’s one of the many things wrong with our corporate structure now. The people in power believe that entry-level positions should be filled with low quality, unqualified, disinterested workers, but keeping passionate, intelligent, and interested people happy at all levels should be a priority too.

    People can do good work and effect profound change from the bottom and they deserve recognition and support there too.

  • icons8-journal-100

    11:33 AM

    There’s chaos all around me today but I’m breathing through it and, when I can, writing through it. My morning will be a little busy but not as bad as it was initially scheduled to be and by the afternoon I should be all on my own in soundless bliss. Plus, there are free tacos and a “welcome back” cake in the lounge. So, today isn’t all bad.

    This afternoon I plan to take advantage of the free time and do some writing. I have a ton of essay topics scribbled on scrap paper and post-its and I would love to get them out of my backpack and into a document or blog post draft. I just need a clean hour or two to think and to type but it depends on whether my coworkers get the hint or not.