Time never flows the way you want it to. Time spent in pain or exhaustion drags on and the few moments of joy or connection you get in between are gone before you can hardly mark let alone savor them.
My oldest niece and nephew are in town and visiting our side of the family for the weekend. They live in another state and at the very most I get to see them once a year but usually less so this is a very big deal, and a much needed bright spot in this dark and dreary time.
I’d doing my best to fill the time with as little worry and as much humor and delight as possible, but the responsibility is weighing on me a little. Still, part of me is proud to be so trusted, to lead, to decide.
The time has been wonderful but that means the weekend is flying by much too fast. I have a busy schedule ahead that I am in no hurry to begin. To be honest with you, the way I’ve been feeling, I’m not entirely sure I’m going to be able to keep one foot in front of the other all the way through Friday.
Last week, these past many weeks actually, have been so hard on me. I feel like I’m pushing boulders uphill. I feel like I’m drowning. I feel like a ghost and it only seems to get worse and worse the more and more effort I put into meeting expectation and maintaining some kind of normalcy.
So, I’m considering taking a break from life. I need time away from work, away from pretending I’m not sick. I need time to rest and to focus on my physical and mental health exclusively without the guilt, the pity, or the weight of weakness and failure weighing me down. I have the right protections in place, there is no reason not to use them for my benefit and healing.
There is a strange disconnect today between my mind and my body, my being and time. Physically I feel better, more rested, calm, and focus than I have in weeks, but mentally I’m gloomy, pessimistic, irritable, and avoidant.
My body is walking through the world getting things done and dragging my resistant my mind every step of the way. I’ve been productive, but I’m longing for the comfort of a warm bed and the peace and quiet of deep sleep.
The path toward Friday, though clearer than last week, still appears incredibly long and arduous from here. I’m ready to give up before I have begun, and I’m preemptively disappointed in myself for just the impulse alone.
How do you fight such a big and sinking feeling like this? How do you pull yourself out of a darkness that has no reason or source? I’ve been leaning on the lessons I glean from my guided morning meditation session, and the thing I hear repeated is that resistance only leads to more unhappiness. The best thing is to let the thoughts and emotions come as they will and let them go when they are ready.
Underneath it all, I really am ecstatic to see some small improvements and increase in energy, I just can’t seem to bring the emotion to the surface. Perhaps it’s because it’s Monday. Perhaps it’s hormonal. Perhaps it’s simple burn out. I don’t know, but today is what it is, but I’m hopeful that with a little self care and patience, tomorrow will find me in better spirits.
Today was fun! We got up intending to do a little shopping (some new running shoes, gifts and an outfit for a baby shower, and hiking snacks) but we ended up with a lot more including new books, new running shoes, and other clothes. We bought lunch while out and brought home Hawaiian barbeque for me and a big juicy impossible burger for her and a large selection of hard ciders for us both. Though I know there will be regret later spontaneous shopping sprees are the best!