126 // This is My Situation

I spoke too soon. Life, it seems, will go on swinging wildly between progress and regression, between good and bad days—sometimes between good and bad hours—and within the days and hours my moods will oscillate too from elated to despondent and back again.

I’m entirely overwhelmed by a myriad of emotions and find myself overcome with anger, sadness, grief, worry, and, occasionally, even hope at the most random times of day. Tears well up and my laughter comes too loud or fast. I’m outgoing one minute and longing for silence or searching for corners to hide away in the next. Motivation and lethargy come and go, and any minute I feel faced with a new version of myself I do not recognize.

I’m hoping these choppy seas will settle soon and I’ll find days of smooth sailing again. For now, the key is acceptance. This is my situation. These are my circumstances. Nothing can change what’s come before, only what happens now and even much of that is beyond my control.

I have to learn to be like the very waters I wish to navigate.

126//366

Today is nowhere near as relaxed as yesterday. My anxiety has returned along with all my bad feelings about how much time I’ve wasted these past weeks and how little I’ve accomplished over my lifetime. Too much time in your own head can cause some pretty dramatic self-esteem swings, it seems.

I think it’s because I have a feeling my little corona-quarantine-staycation is coming to an end and I’m feeling a little panicky for a lot of reasons.

For one, I’m afraid. The novel corona virus hasn’t gone away and I haven’t seen anything that makes me believe we are past the worst of it. I’m dreading having to wear a mask all day too, and to spend so much mental energy of remembering to disinfect surfaces and equipment and not to obsessively worry that I haven’t. I’m also sad. It’s hard to admit because of all the suffering going on all over the world, but I kind of enjoyed this time at home. It felt like time outside of time, something I have been wishing for for a very long time.

Still, it looks like I won’t be working long hours and maybe not even every day. Summer might still be saved after all.