Time never flows the way you want it to. Time spent in pain or exhaustion drags on and the few moments of joy or connection you get in between are gone before you can hardly mark let alone savor them.
My oldest niece and nephew are in town and visiting our side of the family for the weekend. They live in another state and at the very most I get to see them once a year but usually less so this is a very big deal, and a much needed bright spot in this dark and dreary time.
I’d doing my best to fill the time with as little worry and as much humor and delight as possible, but the responsibility is weighing on me a little. Still, part of me is proud to be so trusted, to lead, to decide.
The time has been wonderful but that means the weekend is flying by much too fast. I have a busy schedule ahead that I am in no hurry to begin. To be honest with you, the way I’ve been feeling, I’m not entirely sure I’m going to be able to keep one foot in front of the other all the way through Friday.
Last week, these past many weeks actually, have been so hard on me. I feel like I’m pushing boulders uphill. I feel like I’m drowning. I feel like a ghost and it only seems to get worse and worse the more and more effort I put into meeting expectation and maintaining some kind of normalcy.
So, I’m considering taking a break from life. I need time away from work, away from pretending I’m not sick. I need time to rest and to focus on my physical and mental health exclusively without the guilt, the pity, or the weight of weakness and failure weighing me down. I have the right protections in place, there is no reason not to use them for my benefit and healing.
There is a strange disconnect today between my mind and my body, my being and time. Physically I feel better, more rested, calm, and focus than I have in weeks, but mentally I’m gloomy, pessimistic, irritable, and avoidant.
My body is walking through the world getting things done and dragging my resistant my mind every step of the way. I’ve been productive, but I’m longing for the comfort of a warm bed and the peace and quiet of deep sleep.
The path toward Friday, though clearer than last week, still appears incredibly long and arduous from here. I’m ready to give up before I have begun, and I’m preemptively disappointed in myself for just the impulse alone.
How do you fight such a big and sinking feeling like this? How do you pull yourself out of a darkness that has no reason or source? I’ve been leaning on the lessons I glean from my guided morning meditation session, and the thing I hear repeated is that resistance only leads to more unhappiness. The best thing is to let the thoughts and emotions come as they will and let them go when they are ready.
Underneath it all, I really am ecstatic to see some small improvements and increase in energy, I just can’t seem to bring the emotion to the surface. Perhaps it’s because it’s Monday. Perhaps it’s hormonal. Perhaps it’s simple burn out. I don’t know, but today is what it is, but I’m hopeful that with a little self care and patience, tomorrow will find me in better spirits.
We actually made it up and out the door before 6:30 this morning for a long-awaited camping trip to Deer Creek for some hiking. I have missed hiking in general but this trail was our first, the one I miss the most, and the one we return to to “get back into it”. It’s perfect for training Lola on trail manners and easy enough we don’t get discouraged but hard enough that we work up a sweat and feel rather accomplished by the end.
We brought some goodies to reward ourselves with at the loops end. Cured salmon, cream cheese, and red onions on top of mini bagels and a few cans of hard cider made for a perfect trail brunch before the long drive home. We spent the rest of the morning cleaning the house and once the sore muscles and fatigue set and the heat of the afternoon crept into the house, there wasn’t much we could do but sleep through til evening.
I got no writing, no reading, and no lessons done at all.