078 // Doing Something New

I’m doing something new at work for a few days. I’m helping in our recruiting department by calling prospective employees and encouraging them to finish their application process and to schedule them for interviews if they have.

I was dreading it before I came in. My stomach was in knots and more than once I thought about calling in sick for the whole week just to avoid it, but I knew I needed to be brave and to do my best or I’d never forgive myself. So, I went in and did just that, and you know what? I fucking rocked it!

My boss was probably hyping me up a more than I deserved so I wouldn’t quit but I really felt like I took to it, and more than that, I kind of liked it. It was interesting, and I really felt like I was doing something to help our district more directly.

I’m going back tomorrow for more. I’m still nervous, but a little less so, but I’m trying not to think about that now. For now, I’m just proud.


These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren

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077 // Yesterday’s Redo

I woke up later than I wanted to but I woke up feeling a lot better than yesterday so I’m not complaining. My body definitely needed the extra hours of rest.

Once I got up and got a couple cups of coffee in me I hit the ground running and didn’t stop. I did everything I set out to do and more. I made phone calls and sent emails I’ve been dreading for months. I cleaned the house and blasted through the laundry, and I even did a few meal prep type things. I did some wedding planning research and we even came up with a few new cost-effective and cute ideas.

Now I’m wishing I had taken the whole week off so I could do this much every day. And now I’m dreading work tomorrow because I’ll be out of my comfort zone and doing work that I have no desire to do and because I’ll be losing today’s momentum and tomorrow’s time I could devote to personal projects and goals instead.

So, I’m keeping tomorrow’s expectations low. I’ll do what I can and that will be enough. I don’t need to add disappointment to an unavoidable bad temper.


These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren

076 // A Body That Won’t Cooperate

I’m feeling awful today. My head, my stomach, my whole body! And I’m so tired. I got nothing done and now I’ll have to spend tomorrow trying to redo today.

I guess that’s not so bad, as long as I actually feel better. Either way, I will do my best and then I’ll do just a bit more. I want to hit the ground running this week and get some shit done this week. I don’t have time for this chronic illness crap. It’s so frustrating to be inside of a body that can’t, or won’t, cooperate.


These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren

075 // I Want to Feel Like a Bride Too

We worked on a few wedding things tofay the most significant of which is that I may have finally figured out what I am wearing.

It’s hard being a genderqueer bride, you know? I don’t want to wear a dress but I still wantwto feel like a bride. I want to wear a suit that has a slightly feminine feel to it. I found a floral print suit I wanted, but it was out of stock. Then I thought about wearing pink but then we would have to change the bridesmaid’s dresses.

But then it occurred to me that, as a bride, I should simply wear white! I found a white suit but I’m still feeling anxious about it. The next step is measurement and alterations, and as a genderqueer woman who feels most comfortable wearing masculine coded clothing but who has a body that is curvy and feminine, trying to reconcile what I want to wear, and what I can wear can be frustrating and humiliating.

I wish the world wasn’t so segregated by gender. I wish that it was easier to find women’s clothes that fit men’s bodies, and men’s clothes that fit women’s bodies. I wish there was no such thing as men’s and women’s clothing at all, and that we could all find the clothes we want to wear in sizes that fit us comfortably. I wish I could be seen as a bride even though I won’t be wearing a dress, and I wish there were more places for me to go where I would be treated as normal and beautiful in my own right.

Sigh.


These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren

074 // I’m Still Waiting

I was supposed to begin my new medication today but there were more complications at the pharmacy. Now, even though my doctor has ordered the medication and even though I have already done a cost analysis, the benefits department still has to take one more look just to make sure that, I dunno, they still want to pay for it or whatever.

I sat in the waiting area for half an hour only to be told it would be at least a few hours more. They would call me theytsaid. So, I left the pharmacy nearly in years and went back to work to wait anxiously by my phone and got no phone call at all. Now, I’m still waiting, still frustrated, still not on medication, and seriously considering changing course and going back to infusion medications for which financial support has been easier to navigate.

My night wasn’t much better. I made a grave scheduling mistake and we ended up driving across town for an event that doesn’t take place for another week. So, to help cope with my embarrassment and guilt I proceeded to overstuff myself with a double cheeseburger and a bag full of cajun fries for dinner. Afterward, we snuggled in on the couch and watched trashy TV dramas until I felt calm enough to put the day firmly behind me and head to bed.

Tomorrow has to be better.


P.S. I want to take a moment to acknowledge that this is my 100th post here and to say that while I have only just begun to work out what kind of space, this is it has already been an immense joy to have. Too much in fact, I’m afraid. It’s been a complete distraction as well and while I know eventually I’ll have to venture out from the warm comforting glow of this new place, I’m happy for now just to explore, to tweak, to write my foolish words, and to be ignored. Thank you all for reading.


These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren

073 // Digging Ourselves Out

So, the city has dug itself out and tomorrow we’re all heading back to work and to ordinary life. Half of me is sad that our bomb cycling vacation has to end, half of me is a little excited to see my coworkers and my students. I want to hear how everyone fared and are the city for myself.

Being snowed in for two days sounds nice in theory and in practice it really wasn’t too bad, but I know if it had gone on any longer than that and I would have started to go a little stir crazy.

We actually weren’t snowed in so much as it just took forever to get out. The sun was out and the day warmed enough to turn the snow drifts to slush and the rest to pooled water. The snow was heavy and hard to move and by the time I got my cold and sore body back into the house I needed a hot shower, a heating pad, and a nap. There was no time left to get out in the world after that.

I did manage to get more of my medical frustrations sorted out and tomorrow I’ll start a new medication to treat my ulcerative colitis. I brought up the yoga mat, the pull-up bar, and the weights from the basement so I can finally start working out. I also enrolled in a new online course, Learning How to Learn, and finished week 2 of Social Norms, Social Change II. So, the day wasn’t completely wasted.

I want to keep the same momentum going tomorrow. I’m looking forward to an early start, a light workload, and a good writing day.

P.S. I want to wish you all a very happy Pi Day. Pi Day is one of my very favorite holidays but, sadly, the winter storm prevented me from acquiring the necessary ingredients and I was unable to bake my own. Next year I plan to plan much more in advance.


These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren

072 // Tomorrow Has Been Canceled, Again

The storm was everything they predicted it would be. The rain started very early in the morning while it was still dark. It wasn’t a hard rain, more of a drizzle, but slowly as the morning wore on it froze as it fell and by the time I was making my second cup of coffee the big flakes were blowing.

By lunch, I started to worry. The wind was whipping around the house hard and the snow was piling up around the house and sticking to all the windows. I refreshed the news and realized that conditions were deteriorating rapidly all over the city. Businesses were without power, all the highways closed, the airport canceled every flight in or out, and our Governor declared an emergency.

It was bad, but so far we have fared well. We hunkered down and spent the day watching movies the best we could while we had internet and napping or reading when we didn’t. We waited all day for the power to go out but, thankfully, we were among the lucky ones and it never did.

A few hours ago the chaos outside finally calmed. We watched the news anxiously all afternoon hoping to see that we would get another snow day tomorrow, but it wasn’t until I had just given up and resigned myself to having to venture out and dig a path to the car that they announced it. Tomorrow has been canceled once again. 

Maybe I’ll try to get more writing done this time.



These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren