Excerpts from my journal – Lisa Marie Blair

216 // Words Mean Nothing

I woke up this morning absolutely devastated. Another mass shooting less than a day after the last, this time in Dayton, Ohio. I don’t know what else to say. I don’t want to say anything at all because words mean nothing anymore. I’m tired of talking and hearing others talk, even myself I guess. I feel guilty for turning off the news but it’s all too much. They are showing surveillance footage on a loop and it doesn’t feel very good to watch people being shot and possibly killed over and over again.

215 // Nothing Will Change

It was a perfect day. It always is when we head down to The Museum of Contemporary Art. We got to see the exhibit Clark Richert in hyperspace showcasing the art of Colorado artist Clark Richert and immersing the viewer into his philosophy and influence. I loved it but geometry, patterns, and art so having all three in one exhibit and artist was really exciting.

Just turned on the TV and saw the news about the latest mass shooting in El Paso, Texas. They haven’t confirmed the number of fatalities but the estimates on the injured are so high I suspect the casualties to be in the double digits. My heart is breaking but I’m also angry. I get angrier and angrier every time and the rage rival the heartbreak now. I’m tired and feeling hopeless too. With the anger comes a growing certainty that nothing will ever change.

214 // Seize This Time

It’s my wife’s last day at our district and the last day that we get to work together before she starts her new job on Monday.

We had a party for her where bittersweet words were spoken and goodbye cake was served. They gave her a beautiful plaque, thanked her for all her hard work and years of dedication, then stopped short of begging her to change her mind. The panic could be felt in the room though as the reality of her leaving and of the chasm of knowledge and professionalism she was leaving behind began to loom.

After all the tears my wife and I went home and opted to go out, do some shopping, and celebrate. We made it an early anniversary celebration, a celebration of her new opportunity, and a sort of make up date for all the long hours she’s been working. Part of me too is afraid of what next week will bring and I’m inclined to seize this time with her while I can.

213 // There Have Been Tears

My mind is on tomorrow, not today.

Tomorrow is my wife’s last day with me at work and I can’t help feeling a bit sad over it. I’m not the only one. She is the best of all of us and this place will certainly be worse off without her. These last few days we’ve all had to accept that she is really leaving and the reality is hitting home. We’re all seeing the long road ahead without her warmth, her intelligence, and her drive. We’re seeing our own shortcomings and we’re imagining the collective failures to come.

There have been tears, and I add my own to the deluge.

212 // A Coworker and Friend

Halfway there! Today was long. My body is feeling the effects from me pushing it the way I have. I’ve been working outside in the heat for hours a day and then going to bed way too late at night. I’ve been sleeping too much after work and not taking my medication the way I should. I’ve been stressed, anxious, and irritated and I haven’t figured out how to get out of my bad mood.

Tomorrow we wrap up the work we’ve been doing with the new class, and though I haven’t said it or expressed it very well, I’m very proud of my team. We’re fucking awesome and no one is going to tell us that or treat us as well as we deserve so we have to do it for one another and it has to start with me. I haven’t been a very good coworker or friend, and I don’t know why, but I promise I’m going to do better.

211 // Spending the Evening

Tonight it’s raining. The temperature is dropping, and it looks like I may just be able to fall asleep comfortably before midnight. We’re spending the evening with plates of fried chicken, glasses of white wine, two-and-a-half hours of Democratic debates, and each other. I hope the rain sticks around to cool the air and lull me to sleep in my wife’s arms when bedtime comes.

That would be a fine way to end a very long day.

210 // All Out of Sorts

Today was rough. Work has been rough since my return last week. I’m burned out on doing what I am good at but not what I love. I’m burned out on expectations and admiration. I burned out on being looked to and longing to work alone on what really thrills and fulfills me.

I went home early and had to nap after staying up so late last night. That may have been part of the reason today was so rough. I had a headache. I miss my wife. I’m worried about the coming year. I’m hot and hungry. I’m all out of sorts and I just want to be left alone to get back right but course, I have a busy schedule the whole week ahead and, of course, it’s up to me to make sure it all goes according to plan.

I’m trying to remember that I’m not stuck here and that this rut is only temporary.

209 // Part of Me Regrets

I woke up late, again. I haven’t figured out how to get back to not being so tired all the time. I mean I know how. I need to go to bed before midnight every night. The problem is knowing how to do that. I’m not tired when it is time to sleep and I am exhausted when I need to be awake. The newest chapter in the story of my life I suppose.

We spent the afternoon with close couple friends celebrating the fact that all of us in our little group is married to someone else in our little group now. I drank just too much and after lunch spent a deliciously tipsy time shopping with my girlfr—wife! We giggled through the mall and afterwards through the grocery store too and came home and slept the early evening away.

I woke up completely ruined. I have no appetite, but I want to eat. I’m thirsty. I have a headache. I’m tired and at the same time wide awake now. It was a good day and still, part of me regrets the late start, the long lunch, the drinks, and the nap. It was a good day but not at all a productive day.

208 // A Kind of Mother

We spent the afternoon at my niece’s 3rd birthday party. I enjoyed being with my family and I always take pride in being someone who always shows up, always supports, and always tries.

More and more I have been thinking about what it means to be a big sister and the oldest daughter in a family. I have been thinking that I am a kind of mother too.

All my life I have had to care for my siblings and now I see it was in preparation for what will eventually come. As my mother grows older, I become more aware of the transition we are all beginning to make to the time when I will take over as matriarch of the family. I’m terrified but also, honored.

I’m growing more and more comfortable offering advice and exerting my will where needed. There are places where tough love is needed, where listening is the best course of action, and where I will have to make sacrifices and repress resentment.

Yes, I am definitely a kind of mother.

207 // I Miss Writing

I’ve only worked two days this week but I’m already so ready for the weekend. I had planned to run errands, do some cleaning, and see some friends but right now I just want to do nothing at all until Monday. I’m sure that’s not a possibility but I may have a shot at some balance.

I miss writing, and I need to get started on these essays, but things just haven’t calmed down enough and I haven’t quite come down to reality yet. I’m getting there. I will get there. A few words here and there is a start, and a start is better than nothing at all. This weekend will be a start.