I returned to work today and hated it. Not my job, or the people, just having to be somewhere and having to do something. I’ve always hated that part, but the feeling is especially acute after a break and all-consuming after you’ve gotten married and all you can think about is how you’d rather be with your wife in your home to wallow in life and love together.
So, I left early hoping to head home to write. Very few words made it on screen or paper but some words are better than no words so I’ll take it. I napped some and cleaned like I always do when I am alone. I think I’d like to read later too and to cook dinner for my wife when she gets home. I guess—now that I think about it—that is what I love most about summer. I can pretend for a while every afternoon to live a simple life.
Between the residual stress of wedding planning, the new stress of big life changes on the way, more than a week of hardly any sleep, and forgetting to take at least one dose a day of my medication and supplements every day for more than a week…I’m not doing so well.
I had to take another day off of work. I think I disappointed my boss by staying home but there really wasn’t much I could do. They weren’t going to give me enough hours to make it worth it and I would have been uncomfortable and useless the whole time, anyway.
So, I’m resting, and cleaning the house some more, and working on writing some small something if I can. I’m starting new drafts and finding a way to pick up where I left off. I’m choosing a new big project and reformatting my to-do lists now that I no longer have a wedding to plan. I have a life to plan now.
I’m three days into married life and slowly coming back up for air and getting back online.
I apologize for disappearing the way I did but the closer I got to wedding planning the less time I had for anything else including sleeping and eating let alone writing. Something had to give. But I’m back now and looking forward to getting back into the swing of things and moving forward in ways I hadn’t been able to these past few months.
The wedding was just wonderful. I’ll post more about it Sunday when my thoughts are gathered and my emotions smoothed out, but for now, I will tell you I loved every minute of it, even all the parts that went wrong and so much went so very wrong. My vision for the day wasn’t quite realized, but it was a beautiful, intimate, heartfelt, and fun occasion, and that was all I had asked for. So, I am a married woman now. I have a wife and I am a wife.
Everything is still the same and so different too.
Everything is perfect now, the way it always was.
The 4th of July has never been a holiday I celebrated as feverously as the rest of the population. I appreciate the break from work and the fireworks are neat too but all I can think about is the fact that while this country was fighting for freedom slavery was still legal.
I keep thinking about who this country was freed for and it wasn’t for all Americans. It wasn’t for half of my ancestors at least. All people on this land were not considered Americans and still aren’t.
But, I love this country still. I can’t escape where I am from and despite the past, I’m happy to be here and now. I love this country though I don’t think my country loves me back as much.
Our 4th was good, even if we didn’t end up celebrating it as wild and as enthusiastically as other Americans. I got to visit with my sister for a while and the first of our families coming in for the wedding arrived tonight.
The illegal neighborhood fireworks were spectacular this year as well. The exploding lights in the rain, against the lightning, and completing with the thunder made for a 4th I know I will remember for a long time.
I’m still feeling good after yesterday’s walkthrough with the caterer and though my to-do list keeps growing and growing the weight of the big day has been lifted off of me. There is now the possibility that I can stick to my timeline and I now know that clean up after the event is taken care of as well. Expenses continue to add up as well but even if we end up a bit over budget, I know we will be ok.
Sometimes things ending up badly is as much of a relief as them ending up well because at least they are finally ending.