Lisa Marie Blair

Tag: Work

  • 138 // Just Two More Months

    Well, I didn’t make the 6:00 AM weekend writing wake up time exactly on the dot, but being only 15 minutes late or so after forgetting to set the alarm entirely is quite an accomplishment and I’ll take it.

    This morning I’m posting early because a very busy day is on the way and after it starts, I won’t have any time for me until I’m too tired to think anymore.

    Last night we found out there is a place giving discount vaccinations, microchips, and registration for dogs so Lola is going to a surprise vet visit this morning, poor thing. After that we’re going shopping for more wedding things, then meeting with our officiant, who is also my cousin, to discuss the script over coffee, and then well go back out for more wedding shopping.

    This week will mark just two more months until our big day. I’m starting to believe the hardest part of marriage is being “almost married”.

    P.S. Lola did great getting her shots. She’s quite a nervous dog, and I worried she would bark or whine the whole time, or worse try to bite other dogs or people, but she turned out to be one of the most well behaved of all the dogs there. I’m a very proud fur mom today!

  • 137 // I’m so Proud

    Finally, the true Friday has arrived. I’d planned to take the day off from work but I felt guilty knowing I only really needed the afternoon, plus I wanted the extra hours of pay, plus I secretly kind of wanted to be there for our annual end of the year party, so I agreed to come in for half the day.

    My little sister, the youngest and last of us all, is graduating from high school tonight. She’s the reason I took off early and the reason I’m feeling so good. I’m proud of her and, I will admit, a little jealous. I’m somewhat jealous of all my younger siblings.

    I know in reality they are living their lives the first and only time the same as me, but in my heart, it feels like they are getting the second chance I will never get. They got to learn from me, while I had no one to make my mistakes first. *

    I’m so happy for them, but damn does it sting for me.

    *Well, I had my parents, but somehow the more we resist them the more we become like them. Parent’s live the nightmare of watching their worst mistakes made again no matter how hard they try to teach, protect, or control their children.

  • 136 // This is a Home

    Where the rain of last week made every day a repeat of Monday, this week’s sunshine is giving us perpetual Fridays. I’m not sure which is worse. Mondays are bleak, sure, but having to keep on remembering over and over again that freedom is not, in fact, just hours away is rather more disappointing.

    I didn’t write or read as much as I had hoped to and spent too much of the day walking around and socializing, a big change from yesterday’s feeling though by the afternoon I’d had my fill.

    I’m happy to be home now with my fiance, our dog, the cat, and, yes, even the snakes.

    This is a home.

    This is a family.

    This is peace.

    P.S. I did some more blog things today. I cleaned up the more recent personal posts at Zen and Pi and am preparing to revive it soon and the accompanying newsletter. Now all I have left to do is the actual writing :/

  • 135 // Working Well With Others

    I’d gotten too used to solitude at work and now as the end of the year is getting closer and as we begin moving over to our newer, smaller building in preparation for a renovation I am forced suddenly to suffer the presence, the gaze, and the sounds of other people.

    I must respond in the appropriate ways to their small talk and their probing personal questions. I have to laugh at their jokes and listen to their complaining and I just…don’t want to. The slightest unplanned or unsought social interaction has become an instant and severe irritation.

    To be fair, though, it may not be the people—or how ill acquainted I’ve become with the rigors of working well with others—at all, but simple hormones. I’ll know for sure in the next three day or so.

    P.S. I’d like to share my shiny new sign-up page for my new wholly personal “every now and again” newsletter. I’ll write a formal post about it at some point but for now I’m just inviting people with faith to spare to join the list and trust that I will come up with something good to share, eventually.

  • 123 // The Most Friday Friday

    We have the sun again today and through the weekend they say, but next week nearly every day rainstorms and clouds are forecasted. Monday it will start to rain. Tuesday: thunderstorms. Wednesday: rain. Thursday: rain and possible snow. Friday: scattered showers, and that’s as far as I got.

    I rattled off the report to my fiance this morning while she got ready for work. Her reply: “Tuesday: depression. Wednesday: I hate my life. Thursday: sleep all day. Friday: jump off a building.” She was joking, of course, but her meaning was clear, the weather is getting to us all. Us Coloradoans aren’t built for this.

    I’d hoped to take the day for myself, to hide out in a corner and read or write, but we had the sun today. Many of the schools were closed and a lot of my coworkers opted to stay home which made it a good day for projects so I changed my mind.

    Those of us who came in took advantage of the relaxed atmosphere. We fired up the grill and made burgers and hot dogs for lunch. We hung out in offices we are normally barred from by propriety. We moved furniture around and took our turns making executive decisions.

    It was a good Friday. It was the most “Friday” Friday I’ve had in a long time. I’m glad I chose to spend it out in the fresh air with people rather than in dark corners indoors by myself.

    These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren

  • 106 // I Simply Could Not

    I woke up late, unrested, and with a nasty headache. If either of those setbacks had occurred on their own, I’d have been able to overcome it and make it into work, but when they all occur together, I simply cannot gather myself, get ahead of myself, and rally for the victory over myself.

    So, I stayed home. I slept in the morning and in the afternoon—after I was properly rested and had beaten back the pain with a couple doses of naproxen—I spent the day cleaning and working through the current courses I’m taking. I wish I had done more writing and reading but every day can’t be for everything, not even days that are mine alone.

    Tomorrow I’ll have to face what I left behind today: the work, the writing, and the reading. I just hope I can do it on time, with energy, enthusiasm, and a clear mind.

    These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren

  • 092 // Grateful for the Frustration

    The week was going well until I was informed it would inevitably end on a hectic note. A new class of employees is starting and my team and I are needed to train and test them. It’s a bigger class than we’ve had in a while and that means more hours must be given up for the task. Hours I would normally spend reading or writing.

    It’s hard to plan my weeks, make progress on projects, or reach goals when my schedule keeps changing so much, but maybe that’s life. Maybe I’m lucky to have any semblance of a routine to impact in the first place. I suppose there are people whose day-to-day is more chaos than calm every day. I wonder how they cope?

    But, once again what frustrates me also serves to remind me how lucky I am, how far I have come, and how much I have to be grateful for.

    These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren

  • 090 // Sunday Night Rage

    As usual, the weekend flew by too quickly and, of course, I didn’t get to even half of the things I’d hoped. My next chance won’t be for another 5 days now and, at this moment, looking down the long length of those five days, I’m filled with righteous indignation. Five days of every week I must give up and just two are left over for me? Half of which I need to use is in recovering from the five!

    Sunday nights and all the required preparation only remind me how bleak and pitiless this reality really is.

    These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren

  • 085 // If Only

    Today was day 2 of the conference I’m attending through work and though I still can’t say I learned a lot of new things I can say I walked away with a lot to think about and even more to be optimistic about.

    It turns out that despite what you may see on TV or read on social media; the world is still moving toward the good. Kids are going to schools that are more compassionate, understanding, and open than ever before and becoming more so every day.

    They are learning more than just facts. They are learning who they are, not being told, and to exist firmly and wholly in a world with other people. It’s beautiful and bittersweet. If only these studies, these policies, and these teachers had existed when I was in school…sigh.

    These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren

  • 084 // Good People Are Needed at All Levels

    Attended the first day of a “back to basics” conference my work sent me to and though I can’t say I learned a lot, it was eye-opening to meet with people from all over the state and to meet so many others who fill the same role I do in my district at theirs.

    I sometimes feel alone, or unimportant in my position. I sometimes feel like my passions, my concerns, and my expectations for myself, my coworkers, and my department are too overblown and grandiose but today I met others who love what they do, take seriously what they do, and push themselves and their teams to do better because it’s the right thing to do and not because it will advance their careers. Quite the opposite in fact. They want to stay where they are because they understand the good people are needed at all levels.

    That more than any new piece of information or concept has enlivened me and reawakened something I knew I had lost but thought I could never get back.

  • 082 // The Week is Looming Already

    Still feeling good about yesterday’s progress but the stress is slowly rising up again too. There are still so many more big decisions to make and still so little time to make them in. The time for celebration and congratulations are over, the shame of my procrastination has returned. We’re still so far behind.

    And on top of that next week is looming bigger and scarier all the time. I have a work conference to attend on Monday and Tuesday and I’m scared. Not of anything in particular, but of everything, and for no reason at all. Nothing is expected of me but to go and learn, but it’s terrifying to be out of my comfort zone. I’m excited too but somehow that only adds to my fear.

    Anxiety is so hard to explain.

    These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren

  • 080 // My Big Girl Pants

    I put on my big girl pants and went back to work today. I held my head high and acted unbothered. There were a few fumbles in the beginning but for the most part, it was a good day. I got to do the work I wanted. I felt useful, and for the most part, was left alone.

    And now my weekend can begin. I took tomorrow off for no reason other than I just wanted to. I probably shouldn’t have. I’ll probably regret it and I’ll probably miss the money, but for now, it feels good. I always sleep best when I don’t work the next day and God damn am I exhausted. I need this.

    Next week is already stressful, sigh.

    These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren

  • 079 // Repairing the Day’s Damage

    First thing this morning I got an email from the doctor, my liver results still don’t look good and further testing, and further med changes may be in order. I read the email in the car while my girlfriend drove us to work and I nearly broke down in tears. I’m just so tired of it all. Tired of being tired and tired of all the reasons I’m tired.

    I got to do more of the new work I was doing yesterday and that took my mind off of things but then my anxiety and health issues came up at in front of my boss, and her boss, and many of my coworkers, and I spent the rest of my day feeling like everyone was looking at me, talking about me, feeling sorry for me, or judging me. I felt exposed and embarrassed, and I ended up having to leave early because I couldn’t handle it.

    When I got home things got better. I pulled up my to-do list and one by one marked off all the things I’d been putting off. I darted around the house, inside and out, and for everything I cleaned up, took care of, fixed, or put away I felt a little better about myself. And now, it’s time for bed, and I’ve nearly repaired the day’s damage, but it’s going to be hard to return in the morning and face all those faces again.

    These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren

  • 078 // Doing Something New

    I’m doing something new at work for a few days. I’m helping in our recruiting department by calling prospective employees and encouraging them to finish their application process and to schedule them for interviews if they have.

    I was dreading it before I came in. My stomach was in knots and more than once I thought about calling in sick for the whole week just to avoid it, but I knew I needed to be brave and to do my best or I’d never forgive myself. So, I went in and did just that, and you know what? I fucking rocked it!

    My boss was probably hyping me up a more than I deserved so I wouldn’t quit but I really felt like I took to it, and more than that, I kind of liked it. It was interesting, and I really felt like I was doing something to help our district more directly.

    I’m going back tomorrow for more. I’m still nervous, but a little less so, but I’m trying not to think about that now. For now, I’m just proud.

    These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren