An aspiring writer fascinated by what we simply are.
“The point of ‘doing nothing’ is to clean up our inner lives. There is so much that happens to us every day, so many excitements, regrets, suggestions and emotions that we should—if we are living consciously—spend at least an hour a day processing events. Most of us manage—at best—a few minutes—and thereby let the marrow of life escape us. We do so not because we are forgetful or bad, but because our societies protect us from our responsibilities to ourselves through their cult of activity. We are granted every excuse not to undertake the truly difficult labour of leading more conscious, more searching and more intensely felt lives.
The next time we feel extremely lazy, we should imagine that perhaps a deep part of us is preparing to give birth to a big thought. As with a pregnancy, there is no point hurrying the process. We need to lie still and let the idea gestate—sure that it may one day prove its worth. We may need to risk being accused of gross laziness in order one day to put in motion projects and initiatives we can feel proud of. ”
I’m struggling to send an email, just one email. I’ve written it and rewritten. I’ve had it proofread by two different people and then rewrote it again.
It’s hard to explain what you do to other people, and harder still to explain it to your bosses. They decide if what you do is right, or enough, or worth paying a person to do at all. It’s hard to meet expectation that weren’t spelled out explicitly and it’s hard to know what people want when they never told you they wanted anything.
I’m probably way over thinking this.
It’s hot out today, like really, really hot. Today Denver hit 100 degrees in September for the first time, ever! Considering the what it felt like outside we were able to keep the house relatively cool, but we are still miserable. We won’t be sleeping until late tonight I’m sure.
We spent the afternoon lunching at my favorite place for my wife’s birthday with her family. I didn’t pick the place; I was just pleasantly surprised to hear where we were going.
Other than that I got caught up on some words here and worked out how I plan to post the drafts I missed getting out on time because of my trip. I’m going to finish them and progress on a few other pieces and projects I have been hoping to start. The rest of the week will be busy to make up for the time I took off but I don’t care. It was worth the trip and the rest.
Today I head home. The visit has been wonderful, and though I feel very different and very out of place here, I’m a little sad to go. I wish I could have all of my family with me back home. I wish I could see them all whenever I wanted and that time and money were never any obstacle.
Siblings are highly underrated and deserve more praise, more love, more forgiveness, and more work on our part to keep them close. Half the strife between any two siblings is mostly the parent’s fault, or at least cause, anyway.
Airport security was much easier this time and I am so happy to have upgraded for a window seat. The clouds are beautiful from here and flying through them is just incredible. It’ll be just a few hours before I am home and to be honest all I can think about is when I can get on a plane again! I don’t understand how people can be so humdrum about it. To be so high up traveling at 100s of miles per hour is damn near magical to me.
But, I’m happy to be back on the ground and back with my wife, back at home where it’s safe.
I arrived to my destination safe and sound yesterday morning and spent the rest of the day getting settled and enjoying time with my little sister. I’m here for her baby shower (which is later today) and since we didn’t grow up together, and since she is going through such a big life change, there is no end to all the things we feel we need to say.
We have a lot in common for two people born 6 years apart, lived miles and miles apart and were raised by different mothers, and are even now still living in different states with different cultures, norms, and climates. Genetics express more in us than I think many of us want to believe, or maybe it’s that I want to believe so badly.
The air here is hard to breathe. I’m used to high altitudes and dry air, but it the scenery gorgeous. There are trees everywhere and they aren’t like the trees in Colorado at all, these’re as tall as skyscrapers to me and breathtaking. I miss the Rocky Mountains for sure, but the greenery here is tempting me to stay.
I’m on the plane now flying somewhere over Kansas, or Missouri, or Tennessee maybe. My seat is awful, I can’t see out of the window and I have two men flanking me who are taking “man-spreading” to an extreme. It’s too early and too dark to read without getting a headache but too uncomfortable to sleep. Still, I love it. Take off is thrilling, like a roller coaster, and the little bit of turbulence we’ve encountered has been more exciting than scary.
I made it through security obviously but I did feel lost and airport personnel were visibly irritated with me, but I know it will be easier on the return trip. I have the hang of it now.
It’ll be less than 2 hours before we touch down now and 2 days before I’m back home again. I can’t wait for both.
Today is easy enough, so easy that I’m worried I’m doing something wrong. I’m working, sure, but I don’t exactly feel challenged, but I’m also not sure I want to be. I know that doesn’t make much sense. I guess I’m conditioned to believe work should be hard and stressful and when It isn’t I worry I’ll be perceived as lazy. At the same time, I love when work isn’t hard but I also feel like I’m missing out on opportunities or growth because I’m not constantly pushing myself if I wallow in the comfort.
Productivity is super confusing.
But it’s my last day before I take an extra, extra-long Labor Day weekend so I’m trying not to fret about it. I took off tomorrow for my trip, and Tuesday too for my wife’s birthday though we have no plans yet at all. I already gave her her gifts and I plan to pick up something for her while I’m in the Carolinas too but she deserves so much more so I’m keeping my schedule open for whatever she may want to do.
Today is the first day of the first step of my position change at work. Today I was taken off of my route, the route I have been doing for years with kids I have known for years and shifted to a standby packing, meaning I can fill in on routes that need it, but my real job now is to ride on routes with other drivers and assistants to make sure they are doing ok.
My goal is to help them do their jobs better and support them through tough situations and adjustments during a time when management is just too busy and bordering on too impatient.
I’m grateful for the opportunity to do more fulfilling work and I am especially excited to have so much choice and control over what I am doing, but damn is it scary! I’m doing my best to keep my cool on the outside but inside all alarms are sounding. I have only just begun to leave the comfort zone and already I feel overwhelmed and panicky, but I’m letting the alarms sound and still moving forward too. It will get better.
We actually made it up and out the door before 6:30 this morning for a long-awaited camping trip to Deer Creek for some hiking. I have missed hiking in general but this trail was our first, the one I miss the most, and the one we return to to “get back into it”. It’s perfect for training Lola on trail manners and easy enough we don’t get discouraged but hard enough that we work up a sweat and feel rather accomplished by the end.
We brought some goodies to reward ourselves with at the loops end. Cured salmon, cream cheese, and red onions on top of mini bagels and a few cans of hard cider made for a perfect trail brunch before the long drive home. We spent the rest of the morning cleaning the house and once the sore muscles and fatigue set and the heat of the afternoon crept into the house, there wasn’t much we could do but sleep through til evening.
I got no writing, no reading, and no lessons done at all.
What a perfect Sunday.
Today was fun! We got up intending to do a little shopping (some new running shoes, gifts and an outfit for a baby shower, and hiking snacks) but we ended up with a lot more including new books, new running shoes, and other clothes. We bought lunch while out and brought home Hawaiian barbeque for me and a big juicy impossible burger for her and a large selection of hard ciders for us both. Though I know there will be regret later spontaneous shopping sprees are the best!