Lisa Marie Blair

Tag: Excerpts from my journal

  • 117 // The Outside World

    As I’ve gotten older, I’ve come more and more to enjoy being cooped up home. I like the quiet. I like the routine. I like being in a space that I control, that belongs to me, that is safe but some days—when I am forced to leave the house—I am reminded that being outside and among people can feel really good too.

    A simple shopping trip, a drive downtown, even a walk around the block can be full of little happiness and surprises. The sun certainly feels good and even other people on some level provide a kind of comfort. I’m reminded of what society and community feel like. I’m reminded that I am part of something and the world, my world, goes on beyond me and my driveway.

    The season is changed. Winter has become spring and though it doesn’t always feel like it, it’s time for me to change too. It’s time to move from isolation and introspection to exploration and extroversion.

    These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren

  • 116 // No Matter How Bad They Start

    I woke up just as fatigued, anxious, and irritable as I have all week but it’s nearly afternoon now and things have since improved. Since then, the sun has come up, the air has warmed, there’s been reason to smile and time has passed getting me closer to the weekend, a dinner date, and Avengers: Endgame.

    It’s Friday and no matter how bad they start, they almost always end up being good days.

    These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren

  • 115 // By Tomorrow

    The headache is back, and the bad mood. In my body’s defense, I have not done a good job of caring for it. I slept better last night but still not well. I’ve been eating junk and not drinking enough water. I’ve been relying on coffee and ibuprofen again, two things I’m supposed to be limiting.

    The day was bad enough, but the evening only got worse. We ran late. I was in pain. Things went wrong and nothing felt right. Bad mood chafed against bad mood until a small argument broke out. It’s bedtime now and things are better but hurt feelings still linger and I imagine we’ll both fall asleep with regrets tonight. By tomorrow we’ll know love again. We always do.

  • 114 // I’ve Been Tired

    Something’s wrong. I’ve been tired since Sunday at least. The kind of tired that lives in your mind not your body. The kind of tired that blends the days together and keeps you in a fog. The kind of tired that leaves you irritable and unable to accomplish anything. Sure you can show up. You can go through the motions but you can’t make decisions, you can’t figure it out.

    I’m trying things. Coffee isn’t doing the trick anymore so I have to get more sleep, better sleep. I’m going to go to bed earlier on work nights, no matter what. I’m going to limit myself to one TV show in the evening and read before bed instead. I’m going to get outside more and walk during the day, no matter what. I’m going to give myself permission to take a short nap when I need to. I’m going to use earplugs at night and make sure my phone’s ringer is off.

    It’s a lot to change but most of them are habits I had but simply wasn’t diligent about.

    At the same time, I want to acknowledge that this may not be simply and sleeping problem. There may be more going on and this may be something to talk to my doctor about.

    These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren

  • 113 // Small Steps

    Today is better than yesterday, but not by much. Work is still out of the question, though I did show up, but a few wedding things are getting done. My goal is one small step every single day. I figure that three month’s worth of small steps every day should get us the wedding we want or very close, anyway.

    The problem is, or the thing I have to remember is that small steps don’t mean easy or quick. A small step, just one decision or one to-do item could take a whole day or longer. I have to remember to focus on the process and not just done. I have to be okay with things taking time and things being difficult. I have to forget about the timeline and just work.

    These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren

  • 112 // Monday Gloom

    The clouds are hanging around again today, in the sky and in my head. I can’t seem to shake them no matter how much sugar and caffeine I consume and fighting it is only exhausting me further. Today is for rest, even if I have to spend it working and wedding planning. Though my body may appear to be moving and doing I assure you that my mind was left back in the bed at home where it’s warm and peaceful. Writing, reading, and learning will just have to wait.

    These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren

  • 111 // Napping Season

    Easter is such a strange holiday. The combination of the literal belief in the resurrection and the pagan celebration of springtime complete with brightly colored eggs and chocolate bunnies make absolutely no sense to someone who is an atheist and has no children. It’s the one day of the year when the most people seem to have gone the most insane all at once.

    I spent the day celebrating my birthday, again, and acknowledging that spring is the beginning of the napping season. The warm weather is becoming more consistent and the rains are rolling in regularly making napping easier to do and the later and later evening remove the guilt and the panic. Now there is time for you to be both productive and lazy. Enjoy it!

    These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren

  • 110 // I Miss Nature

    I wish I had enjoyed more of the day. We got out but only to run a few short errands. We picked up my prescription at the pharmacy. We dropped our invitations off at the post office. We did some thrift store browsing, and I bought a new book. Then we quickly went back home to sit in front of the TV and binge watch The OA on Netflix. It was a good day but I do wish I had spent more of it outside.

    I wish I had woken up earlier and gotten out for a walk. I wish I had started cleaning up the yard. I wish I had watched the sun go down from the porch. I’ve become much too much of a homebody and I have forgotten how much the sun and the fresh air mean to me. I’ve forgotten how the trees sound in the wind and how good grass feels between my toes. I miss nature. I want to reconnect with her and make our time together a regular part of my days and weeks again.

    These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren

  • 109 // It Sounds Dumb

    A lovely boring little day, much like the one I had yesterday. The Mueller report is out and there’s a lot to unpack but, for me, it can wait. Today I practiced a little self-care and listened to the new Lizzo album instead. 

    I was supposed to go to a bookstore tonight—one of my favorite authors was in town to do a book signing—but when I got home, I just wasn’t up to it. I want to tell you that it was because I had a headache, or because I was tired, but the truth is I was anxious and I over thought the whole thing. By the end of the day I thought it was dumb to want to go which also sounds dumb.

    I regret it now, but I also realize that in the grand scheme of things it’s fine. The night turned out to be a good one anyway.

    These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren

  • 108 // Brainstorms

    Some days are for work, some are for rest, and some days fall somewhere in between. Today was one of those in-between kinda days. A day for planning, upkeep, and the small to-dos. Things that are just as important but too often overlooked and undervalued.

    What I mean to say is, today wasn’t a good writing day. I wanted it to be since I ended up getting out of some work duties I’d been dreading but when I finally got my butt in the chair, I couldn’t do it. I didn’t even really try to be honest. All I wanted to do was behind-the-scenes blog things and fill a notebook page or two with ideas to explore when my mind was ready.

    In those small goals, I was productive, and that is something.

    These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren

  • 107 // There Is No Longer a Threat

    This is a first in all my years working for a school district. Schools were closed district-wide, and metro area-wide, for a “credible threat”. A woman came all the way from Florida with, authorities believed, the intention of doing our children, our colleagues, and our counterparts in neighboring districts too.

    She’s dead now but there are a lot of unanswered questions left behind. There are always unanswered questions left and all of them the same—why?

    We’ll return to work tomorrow and though the authorities and the media assure us there is no longer a threat, in my heart the threat is still very real. It has been for a very long time. I know compared to those working in the schools I’m relatively safe, but I’m not just afraid for me. I’m afraid for us all.

    The 20th anniversary of the Columbine High School massacre is in just a few short days and there were rumors this woman had friends or supporters here and that they were going to help her to do…whatever it was she planned to do. We’re assured this isn’t true but what if there is something the authorities don’t know?

    I hate that this is the reality of the world now. I hate that our schools are no longer safe places. I hate that killing children is a way for people to enact their revenge and to make their mark on history. I hate the fear most of all.

    When will we ever get to move on?

    When will the threat finally cease?

    These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren

  • 106 // I Simply Could Not

    I woke up late, unrested, and with a nasty headache. If either of those setbacks had occurred on their own, I’d have been able to overcome it and make it into work, but when they all occur together, I simply cannot gather myself, get ahead of myself, and rally for the victory over myself.

    So, I stayed home. I slept in the morning and in the afternoon—after I was properly rested and had beaten back the pain with a couple doses of naproxen—I spent the day cleaning and working through the current courses I’m taking. I wish I had done more writing and reading but every day can’t be for everything, not even days that are mine alone.

    Tomorrow I’ll have to face what I left behind today: the work, the writing, and the reading. I just hope I can do it on time, with energy, enthusiasm, and a clear mind.

    These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren

  • 105 // An Exponential Loss

    It shocked me to walk through the lounge at work today and see the terrible image of the Notre-Dame Cathedral engulfed in flames on TV. I’m no fan of religion but the church was, and certainly will still be, a marvel of human art and architecture. I am deeply saddened by the devastation and the loss that the building sustained.

    Losses like these are shared among all of us, the whole human race. And when I say all I don’t just mean us who are living right now, us who are witnessing this terrible tragedy, but future generations who will never get to see the world and the past as we did. They’ve lost something too and through that lens, the devastation grows exponentially.

    I myself never got to see the Cathedral and I’ll forever be sorry about that. I won’t get to experience it in the same way as those who came before me.

    I’ve seen some mixed reactions to the burning Cathedral and rather than feeling one way or another I’m simply taking in the perspective and contemplating.

    Being non-religious allows me to see this incident and this place in a more detached manner. I can see the lopsided response to this church burning and others. I can see the lopsided reaction to tragedies in some countries and the tragedies of others. I can sympathize with the bitterness and the outrage and I implore everyone to include this understanding in their grieving.

    These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren

  • 104 // The Heart Remembers Longer

    Today stands in stark contrast to yesterday. Today was not a perfect day. It wasn’t really even a good day though it had its moments and picked up toward the end. It was a lonely day full of small stinging pricks and old pains resurfacing. A low rage smoldered and self-pity hang about my mind like dreary rain clouds. 

    Tonight I’ll fall asleep with a smile on my face and a feeling of content in my limbs but my heart will be hard and heavy. It remembers longer than the body or the mind you know.

    These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren