Lisa Marie Blair

Tag: January 2020

  • 011//366

    I’m tired down to my bones today. I wish I could spend the whole weekend in bed but when work takes up 50 hours of your week everything else has to happen between now and Sunday evening. There will never be time for the kind of rest I really need.

    On a more positive note, I at least get to spend the day seeing my family. My brother and his wife moved into a new house this and today we are celebrating with a housewarming potluck. I’m so happy for them and somewhere deep down I am excited to go.

    I blame the prednisone. I’m tapering to lower and lower doses every week and caffeine, it turns out, is not a suitable replacement. At least the headache is gone but I haven’t been able to work out since Thursday and I have a feeling my expectations will have to be lowered for a long while.

  • 010//366

    I wish we were a little closer to the end of winter right now. I miss warmth, change and growth, the color green, and the feeling of being close to nature.

    This week wasn’t so bad, actually. The beginning saw spring-like temperatures but the clouds and cold have returned just as the weekend was set to begin. There was a thin dusting of snow on the ground when I woke and since we’ve seen a few short bursts of flurries on and off.

    I had hoped for enough sun to make a quick hiking trip in but looking ahead I don’t think it will be warm enough for quite a while. Still, I can feel spring approaching in my bones. Soon, soon…

    Work-wise things are quiet, for a Friday. I blame the dreariness outside for the mood and the energy it takes just to keep warm for the exhaustion. I’m looking forward to returning home where it’s warm and cozy. No matter how many layers I wear or how much I turn up my heater at work I never can seem to get warm again until I’m back home. I’m starting to think that a major part of body temperature regulation is maintained by emotion.

    Home is warm in more ways than one.

  • 009//366

    Today feels a little better than yesterday. I’m still worn out and I’m actually much more irritable, but I feel like myself again. I feel whole. I have returned to being made of both body and mind as equal and one and no longer a mind imprisoned and resentful.

    It helps that there is work to do and plenty of little ways to be useful, active, and creative. It helps to get up and move and to use my muscles mindfully. It helps that the end of the week is in sight and the weekend no longer feels like an unreachable dream. It helps that I stopped at Starbucks on the way to work and added an extra shot of espresso to my latte.

  • 008//366

    The weight of my chronic illness is pressing on me, exhausting and depressing me. I can’t move, see, or think past my body today. Just recently I was feeling so proud of this body. I was beginning to not just consider it part of me but to love it a little too. Today though it is nothing but meat and misery I’m forced to drag around and long to be rid of.

    I always feel like this on the day’s I have a doctor’s appointment. Today’s was both good news and bad. We’ve settled on a plan that goes past “wait and see”. I’ve waited and though what we have seen has been an improvement, it has been far too slow and too little to consider it a success. So, a little more wait but in the meantime there is will at least be actions to take.

    This new plan is better than the one proposed to me a few weeks ago though it means some big changes. I’ll be back on an infusion medication and there will be a lot more wait and see to come. There are a lot of unknowns on the horizon too. Medication that may or may not work, side effects that may or may not manifest, and old symptoms that may or may not resurface. It’s a lot to worry about, and especially hard not to think about when you are supposed to be managing your stress levels.

    I’m trying to remember that I am one of the lucky ones. I have support. I have healthcare. I can work. My condition is manageable. I will get through it and it will be okay.

  • 007//366

    It’s the first official day back at work since the break and it’s turning out to be a lot harder to get through than I anticipated. The morning was fine, but I made sure to keep as close to my regular waking time and routine for most of the last two weeks.

    No, today it is the afternoon that is exhausting me. I have been spoiled and gotten too used to freedom and control. My body and mind believe I should be at home resting or doing something more enjoyable or fulfilling rather than stressing or dreading the next 3 hours of my afternoon.

    Still, I think I am coping well. I was needed more than I thought I would be and though that really cut into the time I hoped to spend on myself it felt good to be able to work. My health is improving and I can feel the difference in energy and confidence since I started working out and moving my body more. I feel sore but strong, tired but in a good way. Suddenly existing as a physical being is no longer a drag.

    I’m home late from work, avoiding my to-do list and eating food I know is bad for me as a result. I don’t cope well when plans change it seems. I have to give myself permission to shut down here and there though. It’s the only way I can pull myself back up and begin again the next day. I have to be able to tell myself “Today this is ok, but tomorrow it is not.”

  • 006//366

    Work was easy today. The general mood of my bosses and co-workers seemed to be a mutual reluctance and lack of enthusiasm. There was an unspoken agreement that since no one wanted to be very productive themselves each of us would turn a blind eye to the lack of productivity in the others. No one asked what projects anyone was doing, and no one batted an eye when we all slowly began to file out around midday.

    I had planned to work a full day today but knowing this was going to be my last chance to head home for the day at lunchtime I thought I ought to take full advantage along with everyone else.

    I didn’t feel like doing much of anything when I got home but I tried turning my focus for how hard my work out and my to-do list would be to get through to how good it would feel when I got through it all.

    I turned off my mind and let myself simply exist, experience, and do through my body. And you know what, it worked. Sometimes we have to take away our own choices to get things done. Sometimes we have to stop asking ourselves how we think and feel about every little thing. Sometimes we have to stop asking ourselves what we would rather do. Sometimes we have to let go of thought and become pure action.

    So I did my work out. I showered. I cooked dinner. I cleaned and put a few check marks on the to-do list and afterward when I had the time and the patience to ask myself again “What do you think?” or “How does this feel?” I got back contentment and pride.

  • Goals // Week 02

    Goals // Week 02

    This week marks the end of winter break and a return to reality and my regular schedule. Since I’m sure it will be a daily struggle just to wake and work on time and to keep a positive and productive outlook I’ve decided to keep my goals small and simple. This week is about reestablishing the basics, practicing day-to-day habits, and slowly returning to real life.

    This week I will:

     Set up a schedule of my days broken down hour by hour and include a list of tasks to be completed with each event. I’ve been slacking on filling in my calendar and when my calendar isn’t filled my time is at the mercy of my moods, my cravings, my impulses, my fatigued and directionless mind.

    Update: Well, I set it up, though I can’t say I followed it very closely, or maybe I did but I did the most unproductive things I could within the definition of the task and the time frame given. So, progress was made but I’m about as far from perfection as I can be. Still, everything counts and for it only being week 2 of the new year, I think I’m doing pretty good.

    Finish reading Ethics by Baruch Spinoza. This is the most difficult little book I have ever read. It is the most interesting book I have ever hated too. Up until now I have only been able to tolerate 10 or 20 pages a day. I have 100 left to go, and I am tired. This week I will be done with it.

    Update: I did it! Don’t be fooled by the low page count. This book was very difficult to get though. Between the language and all the underlining I did and notes I took I couldn’t get through more than 5 or 10 pages most days. Still, in the end I count it among the most rewarding books I have ever read. Stay tuned for a proper review.

    Complete my bodyweight work 3 days this week hit 6000 steps every day. Last week I only missed one day of working out but I wasn’t great about walking. This week I’d like to see some more effort and focus. It’ll be hard with my return to a regular work schedule but if I could manage just 3 days of the week, I will call it a win.

    Update: I mostly completed this one. I did two days of work out and hit my step goal every single day. It’s already hard enough to muster the motivation to exercise after work but adjustments to my medication are also sapping my energy levels. I may try switching to a morning routine but I have doubts about my ability to wake up at 4:30 AM to work out.

    Update my voter registration information. I completed the first big steps of changing my name since getting married last summer last week but this is a big election year and if I want to take part in the Democratic primary coming up this spring; I need to update my information with the county ASAP. All I have to do is fill out the form and mail it off. Easy-peasy.

    Update: Ugh, I just plain forgot. I have the form. It’s all filled out. I just have to stuff it in an envelope and drop it in the mail. Next week for sure!

    Write in my journal every evening. I have been good so far about posting little snippets of my life here but there are private stresses and anxieties I need to get off my chest and small instances of gratitude I think it good for me to acknowledge and document. Some things though they must be expressed are not for public eyes or the everlasting internet.

    Update: I was able to make time for journalling about every other evening which is much better than not making any time at all. It isn’t easy to get used to writing by hand every day. I was making a lot of mistakes and my handwriting was atrocious. I had trouble recalling my day and would simply run out of things to say before the end of the page. It’s getting easier though and I anticipate a return to daily and long winded writing before the end of the month.

    Create one cut out or blackout poem. I missed spending time with my X-Acto knives and my magazine scraps last week. My desk has been taken over with little writing notes and I will need to clear my analog space to get messy in again.

    Update: There just wasn’t time and since the holidays the “creativity room” has become a storage space and dumping ground for everything that has come into our lives over the holidays. Once I clear a space for myself again and find my tools and get my materials and medium at hand, it’ll be easier to make the most of what little time I can give to my art.

    Design my first new newsletter. I used to send my weekly round up posts out as an email newsletter too along with a bit of writing from me about some universal human experience of fact of existence that was on my mind but since splitting off from Zen and Pi I haven’t sent one because I wasn’t sure where “personal blogging” I ended and that kind of writing began, but I can’t work out the kinks if I never start again, right?

    Update: Time was the issue here again, but also, I simply didn’t know where to begin. I need more time to think about this one so it won’t be a goal again for a while. I have to cutivate a better writing practice here before I can think about branching out.

    This week I will not push myself too hard or too far. I will not make any big decisions or let big emotions or events rule me. I will not put myself at the center of the action or draw unnecessary attention. This week is for quietly observing, quietly planning, for quietly becoming and existing for me and no one else.

    For a look at how I fared last week check out my updated post for Week 01.

    Photo by Alex Iby on Unsplash

  • 005//366

    This time of the morning is my favorite time of the whole day. When the sun has just peeked over the horizon and the world goes from dark to suddenly fully, though not yet brightly, lit. There walls of the house turn shades of orange and pink and I can feel the plants, my pets, and my wife beginning to stir around the house. No matter how little sleep I get I always try to get up to witness my little world waking.

    My muscles are sore from yesterday’s workout. It’s a good feeling knowing that, one, I exercised at all, and two, knowing that I do not have to exercise today.

    I’ve spent most of the day in the “creativity room” working on bad writing that it turns out wasn’t about anything at all. I’m thinking of taking a break now to refocus my mind. I want to go clean and or read my book. Maybe I’ll go for a walk before the day turns too cold, or maybe I will make my way to the couch for the remainder of the evening instead. Sunday’s shouldn’t be all work and no rest, right?

  • 004//366

    I woke up early to do some small things around the house and start some writing thinking I would be spending much of the day downtown at The Museum of Contemporary Art, but about an hour into the day, just as the sun beginning to rise, I changed my mind. The enthusiasm just wasn’t there.

    I decided that, rather than venturing out into the world to fight the people, and the weather, and my own stupid anxiety, I would spend the day taking care of me instead.

    So, I went to the pharmacy for my medication. I did my work out. I took a nice long shower and washed my hair. I listened to an amazing podcast. I changed my blog theme. I did a little writing, and I then collapsed on the couch to binge-watch Fleabag with my wife.

    And I think I’ll stay like this for the rest of the night. I’m sore from the workout and exhausted from the shower. I have my laptop, my book, and my journal here, and there isn’t much more I’d like to do or anywhere else that feels more fulfilling to be.

  • 003//366

    I’ve decided I’m no longer going to play parent to people who I have no responsibility for. Too many people want me to do the work and then hand over all the rewards to them after. They feel entitled to the respect and privilege I have earned by association.

    This, I’m sorry to say, a problem I’ve encountered particularly from straight, white, cisgender men. They’ll get nothing more from me in 2020.

    This is my own small resistance. My way of occupying my space, both the space I am entitled too by birthright and the space I have craved for myself with work, and pain, and passion. This is my way of setting up boundaries and expectations, and of making sure I am seen for my contribution rather than overlooked by others doing less.

    I love to help. I am a team player. I want us all to succeed, but not to my mental, physical, or professional detriment. I don’t think that is asking for too much. It shouldn’t be, anyway.

  • 002//366

    I was meant to be at work today but a lack of sleep over the last few nights and two days of stomach pain and headaches have kept me in bed. I was up early though. The sound and sickening smell of dog vomit hitting the carpet had me cleaning and rushing around before 5 AM. It’s my fault though. Last night I accidently left a large bone with her while I went out for dinner with friends. Normally only gets half of a treat like that at a time but in my absence she ate the whole thing. It’s going to be a long day for both of us.

    Now the plan for today is to write and to stay out of my wife’s way. She planned a very productive day for herself but my presence can be a distraction for her. We tend to fall into our cozy bubble and forget expectations, obligations, and plans when we are together. It’s a good and bad thing. As much as I’d love to pull her in now and pursued her to forget that to-do list and that feeling of accomplishment she’s chasing but I know that sometimes love means leaving the one you love alone so they can go live that part of their life that exists outside of you.

    So, now I’m in the “creativity room” feeling quite directionless. I can’t write so I’m making lists instead which I hope will be useful for the next time I can’t write. I’m watching Crash Course Psychology videos picking out useful phrases, writing them on scrap pieces of paper, and word associating whatever I write down. It feels like I’m doing something but I’m scared I’m really not. I suppose it depends the truth depends on what I do with the lists and notes next.

    Most of the time they collect into piles on my desk that get purged yearly. Most end up as nothing but trash because I lose the context that sparked them. I suppose if I went back tomorrow and followed up I could actually make something out of them instead.

    Time is moving blissfully slow tonight while my wife and I share plates of leftover crab and sausage, sip the last of the wine we’ll have for a while, and watch episodes of Modern Love on Amazon in a sweet re-celebration of New Year’s day.

    The house is nice and clean and after her errands she brought home night lights to put throughout the house for me now that I’m up so often in the middle of the night and so early in the mornings. All that good food, this home, her, our new shared last names, the new year, and the shot of amaretto I had after dinner, all of it is swirling around in my head and filling me with the most exquisite happiness.

    P.S. The dog is doing much better. She only threw up twice today and for the most part only on her own blankets and bed. This isn’t even out of the norm for her. She’s always had a rather sensitive stomach, like me. She’s had plenty of water and I’m sure by morning she’ll be back to her old self.

  • Goals 2020 // Part II: A Year of Deliberate Doing

    Goals 2020 // Part II: A Year of Deliberate Doing

    I promised myself I wouldn’t declare any grand resolutions, or sweeping changes to my habits or lifestyle for the new year and though that may appear to be exactly what I am doing here I assure you this is not nearly so rigid or strict a list.

    What I set out here are intentions, hopes, and kind works I want to give to myself on this journey into the new decade. This is what I hope for my future self now knowing that she may come to hope for wholly different things when her time comes. I offer her wisdom knowing that her life is one I am ignorant of and that she will come to possess a knowledge beyond my own through her own experiences.

    The only habit change I chose to make for 2020 is to decide mindfully how I want to spend my time by scheduling out my hours from day to day. My hope is to get more done by being consistent, by knowing what to do next, and by not allowing myself to get sucked into avoiding progress by mindlessly scrolling, binge-watching, or conveniently forgetting what kind of life it is I want to lead.

    To that same effect I thought is only right to make a list not of things I must do, but of things I would like to do, experience, or accomplish in 2020. The list is flexible. I can and will add, delete, alter, and update it throughout 2020 as I complete items or change my mind. If I’m really on top of things each item checked off will have a corresponding post, perhaps each deleted item will too.

    I did a lot in 2019 but there were a few weekends that went by and a few opportunities missed simply because I lost track of time and failed to plan ahead. This list is meant to be checked at least weekly and as often as every month. I can edit then and choose one or three things to begin planning for the next month or two to check off. I want to make sure I get the most out of the year and this time next year I will make my final updates, share my thoughts, and post a whole new list.

    This year marks the beginning of a new decade and a new journey for all of us together. From here 2020 feels like it’s going to be a big year, or, I want it to be a big year. After getting married, traveling out of state for first time since I was a child, and making so many lovely memories with friends and family, I’m ready to step even further out of my comfort zone.

    This year I will:

    Create a schedule—for everything, every day!—and stick to it.

    Get that promotion at work.

     Go camping just the two of us.

    Travel to Texas for business and for pleasure

    Visit family in California.

    Go back to South Carolina.

    Hike new trails this summer.

    Rent a cabin for Christmas.

    Get active. Return to running and basic body weight training.

    Achieve remission, again!

    Post regularly to Zen and Pi.

    Pitch one publication a month. Bonus: Collect 100 rejections in 2020.

    Read 30 books.

    Complete the big home improvement projects.

    Complete 7 massive online open courses.

    Complete one lesson on Khan Academy and Duolingo daily.

    See another play, a ballet, and an opera.

    Pay off half of our debt.

    Save a little more every month.

    Give back a little of what’s left.

    Get my driver’s license.

    Buy a new car.

    Get my library card again.

    Start a private gratitude journal.

    Start a sketchbook.

    Attend a political protest event.

    Volunteer for the Democratic Presidential Campaign.

    Seek therapy.

    This year I will do my best to give up control, to let others make mistakes, and to forgive people their weakness as I would want them to forgive me mine.

    This year I will demand more from my relationships and give more of myself to my relationships too. I’ll make the time and put in the effort and when others make it clear that they wish to move on, I will let them go even if it hurts.

    This year I will stop helping every body so damn much. I will stop helping others in ways that only serve to make me feel better rather than the ways they need me to help.

    This year I will say “sorry” less often and I will never apologize for being, loving, and needing help, connection, and understanding. I will accept that not everyone will like me or even hold a positive opinion of me and know that that’s okay and not my fault or a reflection of my value as a person.

    This year I will honor others. I will uplift people I see being overlooked. I will speak up for others being held down. I will remember that we go further if we go together.

    This year I will get involved. I will become informed about my local politics, environment, and development. I will find a way to help.

    This year I will not try to be someone new. I’m already the person I need to be, that I wanted to be but never saw before. I only have to let her be free.

    2019 left me feeling supported, encouraged, strong, and full of love for myself. I am ready to work hard, to defend my boundaries, time, and needs, and to take my dreams seriously. I’m ready to go beyond a life that though it is beyond anything I used to think I could have or even deserved is far less than what is possible for me.

    Featured image by Benjamin Davies on Unsplash

  • Goals 2020 // Part I: Spending My Life the Way I Spend My Days

    Goals 2020 // Part I: Spending My Life the Way I Spend My Days

    “How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives. What we do with this hour, and that one, is what we are doing. A schedule defends from chaos and whim. It is a net for catching days. It is a scaffolding on which a worker can stand and labor with both hands at sections of time. A schedule is a mock-up of reason and order—willed, faked, and so brought into being; it is a peace and a haven set into the wreck of time; it is a lifeboat on which you find yourself, decades later, still living.”

    — Annie Dillard, The Writing Life

    Though 2019 was a phenomenal year, looking back, I can’t help but feel a little disappointed in myself. Looking back, I see so much good but also see a lot of wasted time. I lost hours playing games on my phone, binge watching TV, an scrolling Facebook or Twitter when I got bored. These where hours I could have been learning something new, reading more books, writing something, making something, doing absolutely anything else that would have been more fulfilling. I spent my year the way I spent my days and there were more days spent living a life I didn’t want than I am comfortable with.

    I’m a naturally anxious and avoidant person. It’s not the failure I’m afraid of, or even the success. I don’t like to try because trying means finding out so much about yourself and there are things I worry I will find out that go beyond success and failure. So, I spin my wheels. I do what feels like work but isn’t I talk a lot about what I want and dream about who I will be after. I avoid living the life I say I want by mimicking, by wasting time, by making excuses. I don’t want to do that anymore.

    So, I’m taking a moment to acknowledge that going forward the same as I always have in past years will only get me the same results I have ended past years with. I would like to step into a new decade with better prospects. I would like to try something new and perhaps make a little more progress this time around the sun. I’d like to live a little more like I the person I want to be one day.

    This year I have a plan, and that plan is just to make a plan. If you think it sounds too simple or small for a new year’s resolution, I would agree. I refuse to refer to it as such. It’s not a big goal, or grand lifestyle change, it’s only a one, tiny habit change. All I have to do is make a daily schedule. I don’t have to plan the year. I don’t have to plan my months or weeks. No, in 2020 I will focus solely on the day to day, the hour to hour, the minute, by minute, by minute. I’ll spend my life the way I want to by making sure each day contains all the life I want to live inside of it.

    I’m starting with Google calendar and carving out blocks of time for everything from when I sleep, when I wake up, when I work out, when I get ready for work, when I can eat, read, write, and watch TV. I have time for my wife, my family, my pets and myself scheduled to the minute. I have time for podcasts, for social media, for journalling, for making art, and for simply sitting and thinking for a while. Each event has a reminder set for one hour before so I know what comes next and when it’s time to begin there are notes and to do list items so I know where to focus.

    In the evenings I’ll look over my calendar to adjust the days ahead. I can add events, to-do items, and notes. I can add more time, move events around, or delete them entirely. Of course not everything can be included into every day. Some days there may be no reading or writing at all because I’ll be working, traveling, spending time with family, or with friends, or shopping, running errands, or I simply decided to do something else or nothing at all. The point is not to do anything in particular but to make a choice. This time next year when I look back on this one I will know that wherever I ended up, whatever I did or didn’t do and whether I chose to focus or to slip into mindlessness more often than not, I will at least know it was up to me.

    I know the exercise won’t be easy. There is so little in life we have a choice about. Even by making a schedule there is really only a small fraction of the day I can call my own. My day job demands a lot from me. My friends and family need me. I have responsibilities and obligations. I have to eat and sleep and will power runs low when the body or the mind grow weary, stressed, or depressed. To make matters more difficult you have to fight every day to wrench what little focus you have left from companies trying to see you something or sell your time to someone else.

    The TV is always on, the phone is always buzzing; the ads are always running; the world is always telling you to consume, to post, to scroll. Choosing how to spend your time is not an easy choice to make in that vast current. It is a daily battle between you and yourself, you and the expectations of others, you and the giant machine of capitalism and consumerism.

    I know sometimes I will fail miserably but I all ask of myself is not to give up. Day by day means beginning again, and again, and again every morning. With practice I hope to perfect my priorities and hone my focus. I hope to figure out what works and what doesn’t, what I can do and what is expecting too much. I hope to learn too what I thought I wanted to do and what it turns out I really didn’t, what feels right and feels wrong, and, what I really want my life to look like.

    This system may sound strict and devoid of surprise or serendipity but the alternative has been to leave myself at the whims, cravings, moods, and flawed memory. The alternative has been lost time and opportunity. The alternative has been a lot of fear and regret.

    But with this system there is nothing anymore to fear. I don’t have to count up my successes and failures. I don’t have to do one thing or another. I don’t have to be ashamed, afraid, or avoidant. If I don’t want to do something, then I don’t have to. All I need to do is leave it off the schedule and let it go, but if I want to do it, no matter what it is, accomplishing it can be the easiest thing in the world. All I have to do is block out the time, sit down, and do the thing I told myself I would do. That is all the success I want for 2020.

    Featured image by Elliott Engelmann on Unsplash

  • 001//366

    I made the mistake of binge-watching the new season of You on Netflix last night and ending up crawling into bed after 3:00 this morning. For the past few weeks I’ve been waking up as early as 5:00 AM adding at least 2 hours to my day in which to write or clean. Today I didn’t get up until 9:30 AM. I lost over 4 hours and gained absolutely nothing. So much for starting the new year off on a focused and productive note.

    Still, the day isn’t over yet. There isn’t a lot sitting on my to-do list and with a little focus and a few cups of coffee I am sure I can check it all off no problem. I can take a nap if I feel sluggish and I can begin again tomorrow too.

    Today I’m finishing up a few New Year’s blog posts here and then moving over to Submittable to search for pitching opportunities. I’d really like to try for 2 or 3 rejections this month though 8 or 9 would keep me on track for 100 before the end of the year. I also found this tweet from @writersofcolor with dozens of calls for pitches.

    I started a spreadsheet to list the essay and article titles and topics I want to write and another sheet that lists all the dream publications I’ve always wanted to write for. Yes, this year everything is going down on paper, getting added the calendar, going into a spreadsheet, and being laid out in black and white to be brought forth into reality from.