Tag: January 2020

  • 023//366

    As predicted, another poor night’s sleep has me dragging my feet and snapping at everyone around me. I wish I could do us all a favor and isolate myself but with all the work I have on my plate through next Monday at least I have no choice but to subject all of us to my unpredictable moods.

    Coffee is helping and there have been moments of peace I can lose myself into and come out again like the Lisa they all no and love, it’s just that she can’t stay very long.

    I have to get back on track with my workout. I really think that will solve so much of my problems with sleep and energy. I’m like a dog wound up too tight with nervous energy. I need to exhaust myself every day to keep those little worries from getting stuck in my head. They get stuck in my head like bits of songs and play on a loop for hours growing louder and louder until my alarm goes off and it’s time to start another day.

    Thankfully, the weather is already beginning to warm and this feeling of being cooped up, of boredom and restlessness will pass. Every once in a while I swear I catch the scent of spring in the air. Early yesterday morning it was rain. This afternoon I smelled flowers. Soon nature will return and, in turn, welcome us back to the world with promises of breathtaking beauty and adventure. I cannot wait to be rid of this winter and of who I am in it.

  • 022//366

    A decent night’s sleep had turned everything around. Now I just need a few more nights in a row like it and I should be back to my old self. My hopes aren’t that high though. I never sleep well more than a night or two at once. I suspect tonight my mind will be back up to it’s old tricks and by tomorrow I’ll be my old lethargic self.

    But for now, I feel good. I’m in the mood for work, for people, for trying hard and making progress. Unfortunately, my return to sociability has made painfully clear that my poor mood and lack of patience over the course of the last couple of weeks has burned a few bridges, but that’s okay, they weren’t ones I was eager to cross back over any way. What I care to repair I will and to be honest I only care to repair relationships with people who understand and need no explanations or apology, anyway.

    And maybe the time for making up and making things right isn’t while I’m still in the middle of trying to get well, to get off my medication, and to just make it through each day with my self worth and enthusiasm for life intact.

  • 021//366

    I was on my own today but instead of being angry for the lack of support I’m choosing to be proud. I’m proud that I can count on myself and come through for myself when no one else will. I proud of myself for being so capable and courageous. I’m not perfect. I made mistakes today and I won’t pretend I was my best self, but I showed up and got the job done.

    I’m proud of me but underneath it all I can’t help feeling a little bitter too. I wish I didn’t have to be so capable and courageous. I wish I could count on more than just myself.

    If I’m honest, it’s not really so bad as I make it seem. I’m not usually on my own like this but I can see now how fragile the safety net is, on many levels, and that scares me, and that fear, that is what pushes and exhausts me. It’s exhausting to have to try so hard all the time because I know there’s no guarantee that there will be anyone there to catch me if (when) I fail.


    The doctor’s office called today to set up my infusion appointments for my new medications. I didn’t even know we were going forward with the medication change until I got the call! It’s a good thing but part of me still hoped that everything would get better so that nothing had to change. But it’s a good thing. I just have to keep reminding myself of that. It’s a good thing…hopefully.

  • 020//366

    I had thought today would be spent doing absolutely nothing, but this weekend has already been so much about me, my needs, and my self-care I felt it was time to dedicate some time to taking care of my home and other obligations. So, today is about cleaning, completing projects, and getting ready for the workweek.

    While I’m in the kitchen washing and meal prepping my wife is busy about the house hanging art and making this place feel a little more like a home. The walls have been bare for years but it never really bothered me. I just figured there wouldn’t be much difference either way so why spend the money or put holes in the walls? But seeing the rooms with even just a few frames and pieces up I get it now. A home isn’t a home until you give it personality.


    As the evening wears on I continue to improve. I didn’t realize how low I had sunk last week or quite how long it would take to pull myself back up, but I did it. I’m ready to face the world again tomorrow and to make sure I don’t let myself get so overwhelmed again. I’m going to do a better job of holding myself afloat from now on.

  • Goals // Week 04

    Goals // Week 04

    This work week will be a lot like last week, busy, chaotic, and stressful, but it will be shorter week and though I don’t expect to complete every goal or to maintain my focus or enthusiasm through to Friday afternoon but I do expect to do better than last week. As the demands on my time slowly return to normal, I can begin slowly to move my attention and priorities back to personal pursuits and away from work projects. This week will be tough but it will also be better, and that is certainly something to look forward to.

    This week I will:

     Write a book review for Ethics by Baruch Spinoza. One goal I had for this year was to write a book review for every book I read. I’ve already finished two books and if I don’t want to fall so far behind that I give up I need to get started this week. Of course they don’t have to be long, or even good, but they do have to get written and posted.

    Update: There was simply no time for writing. I’m starting to sound like a broken record and even I am having a hard time believing my excuses. It really was a hard week, and I gave so much of myself up during my day job that there was nothing left in the evening to give to writing. I am going to do better.

     Read 100 pages of Love in the Time of Cholera by Gabriel García Márquez. I had hoped to finish half of the book last week but until my work-life schedule becomes a little more balanced, I can’t hope for so much time to myself. I was able to ready 75 pages last week. I think 100 isn’t too much to ask. Bonus: Finish As Kingfishers Catch Fire by Gerard Manley Hopkins.

    Update: I made progress, but I didn’t hit my goal. I did finish As Kingfishers Catch Fire by Gerard Manley Hopkins and The Saga of Gunnlaug Serpent-tongue by Anonymous and if you up all the pages (minus the bonus book) I was only 20 short of reading 100 pages of something.

    Eat one vegan meal. Before the holidays I was up to two or three meat-free meals a week but since then it has been hard for me to return to my old habits. Eventually I would like to go meatless Monday through Friday but I have to start slow and begin again.

    Update: I made some delicious and easy roasted sweet potato and cauliflower tacos (with “chipotle cashew crema!). One vegan meal a week is good, and I’ll do my best to stick to it going forward but eventually I’d like to eat more meatless meals. I’d love recipe recommendations if you have any.

    Work out three days this week. I was doing so well a few weeks ago but between my chronic illness and fatigue and the demanding work week I’ve hardly been able to remember to work out let alone get to a point where I can consciously avoid it. This week it is in the calendar with notifications turned on.

    Update: Yeah, no, not even a little bit. I worked out zero days and I am beyond disappointed in myself. There really was no excuse. I just didn’t try hard enough.

    Spend more time with my headphones in. Regulating my mood is hard when I’m tired or stressed so instead of trying to do it on my own and risking lashing out at coworkers and loved ones I’ll use the power of music instead, the best mood manager. Bonus: Catch up on my favorite podcasts too.

    Update: I kept my headphones on hand the whole week and though I didn’t listen to a lot of music it was from lack of want rather than lack of time. There were just too many good podcast episodes I wanted to catch up on to make time for music. The point was to tune out and I definitely do that.

    Stay hydrated. Drinking water is important for everyone but since I am taking so many medications and supplements every day I feel it is especially important that I fill and empty my water bottle a few times throughout the day. It will help with the headaches too I’m sure.

    Update: I’ve been drinking a lot of Gatorade to stay hydrated and replenish electrolytes but there is so much added sugar and artificial flavors I know I have to get off of it but it’s going to take time to get used to water again. I stayed hydrated, I just didn’t drink water.

    Get outside and into nature. The extended weather forecast is looking very nice, and I have been missing our old trails terribly. I think it’s time to get my hiking boots out, pack up the dog, and head toward the mountains. I just hope this winter hibernation hasn’t withered my endurance too much.

    Update: I had hoped to take advantage of the early Spring-like weather we’d been having but the weekend got away from me and I never ended up making the proper preparations by the time Sunday rolled around. Luckily the forecast for the coming weekend is looking even better and I’ll have another chance at the trails.

    Clean up the backyard. Spring is on the way and I have quite a list of home projects to complete before next winter rolls around. The dry and mild weather is a chance to get a jump on some of the projects I know I’m going to want to avoid later. Perhaps a “little at a time starting” strategy is better than “all at once whenever I have the energy and the will power”.

    Update: It was nothing but pure and simple forgetfulness on my part. I obviously asked too much of myself last week and didn’t take into consideration at all how much I’ve been struggling just to get through the bare minimum I ask of myself every day.

    This week I will not give up. It’s going to be hard but the light at the end of this work week is closer than most Mondays. I only have to get through four days of it and no amount of frustration, fatigue, or failure is going to stop me from putting one foot in front of the other and giving my best to every task I undertake and every person I meet.


    P.S. For a look at how I fared last week check out my updated post for Week 03.

    Photo by Byron Johnson on Unsplash

  • 019//366

    Thank god we have an extra day off from work this week because I am in no mood for chores or errands or any of my usual Sunday stuff. And anyway, it’s family day, so it’s not like I have the time.

    Today will just have to exist outside of time. There will not only be no work but there will be no reading, no writing (besides this), no schedule, no learning, and definitely no cleaning, organizing, or planning. I won’t let myself worry about what I have to do, what I should be doing, or what would be best for me to do. It feels so good to rebel every once in a while, even against yourself.


    Family day was wonderful. Seeing my sister, my brother and his wife, my niece and nephew, and their dogs was just what I needed to recalibrate my attitude. It feels good to be around people who really know you, accept you, love you. One of life’s greatest tragedies, I’m now convinced, is how much more time we’re forced to spend with coworkers, bosses, customers and clients than we get to spend with our loved ones because we have bills that need paying and health care that needs covering.

    After family day we took my little sister on a run to the thrift store. We found some art for our bare walls, a glass container to use as a new terrarium, and, of course, a new book, a collection of three plays by Aristophanes.

    Afterward I saw my mom for one of our hilarious and awkward visits. The past is such a hard place to revisit but it’s easier when you can hold hands, go there together, share the pain, be honest about it, laugh about it, and guide one another back out again with understanding. My heart is a little lighter than it was yesterday and that is an awesome and rare gift.

  • 018//366

    I woke up still feeling a little down on myself so I’ve decided to scratch all of the plans I had, all the things I felt I had to get done and instead I’m giving myself permission to take care of myself. I need to take some time not just to rest and to do the bare minimum for myself. I need to find a way to feel good about myself again, inside and out.

    So, long hot showers, a thorough exfoliation and a deep condition, a face mask, and some real time spent in the creativity room is all I’m putting on the agenda for today.


    I’m feeling so much more comfortable in my skin now.

    My wife brought home some flowers to brighten the house and with her here and all the time I spent just for me has me feeling all the way better! I’m myself again. I’m comfortable. I’m safe. I’m, dare I say it, happy? I wish I could have more days like this. Days to undo all the damage the world does to me and all the damage I do to myself too.

  • 017//366

    It’s Friday and I have absolutely had it with this week. It wasn’t a bad day, or a bad week by far, but damn was it exhausting.

    The class is getting along just fine and today they even got to sit in, ask questions, and contribute to discussions on our employee group forming a union. The meeting was a lot. It was emotion, informative, inspiring, and, at certain points, a little awkward. All in all though, I thought it was really good. I’m on board. I’m fired up. I can’t wait to fight!

    Health-wise I’m feeling pretty low today. My joint pain is back, which isn’t a good sign, and the fatigue nearly has me beat. I’ve had a headache off and on all week and waening off of these steroids is wrecking my body. Acne, drenching sweats, and terrible “moon face” are starting to impact my self-esteem but I’ve only got four more weeks to go until I’m off and I can start focusing on getting my body back to some semblance of normal.


    I am home early tonight but I’m feeling too down on myself to be productive in any sense of the word. I had an embarrassing afternoon and my mind won’t let me forget my humiliation. I won’t relive it here too (some things shouldn’t exist on the internet forever) but if I could crawl into a hole and never see the light of day or another human being again, it would be a relief.

    So tonight is the couch, margaritas, spicy Mexican take-out, and Netflix. Hopefully, by the time I return to the work week the world, and I, will have forgotten all about today.

  • 016//366

    Today was another long day but with the help of coffee and a good laugh or two with a few of my friends, I am making it through. I’ve even managed to surprise myself by how well organized and on top of things I have been. I’m almost beginning to think of myself as capable and, dare I say it, deserving of recognition.

    As good as this all feels, I can tell I am nearing the limit of what my body and mind can handle, stress-wise. I’m pushing myself hard this week and if I’m not careful, I’ll cross the line and end up crashing out before I can make it to the weekend.

    But I’m so close now I know I can’t give up! Just another day and a half and I’ll get a nice long 3-day weekend. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this…

  • 015//366

    The week continues to wear me down, but I am determined to stay strong and make it all the way through Friday afternoon. I’m halfway there already and besides a bit of fatigue and frustration—which is easily relieved with a little laughter and an afternoon nap—I’m doing surprisingly well. Sometimes just putting one foot in front of the other is cause for pride and celebration.

    I do wish I had more time for me right now. I miss writing, or, I miss trying to write, anyway. I miss reading. I miss having time for music, or podcasts, or quiet. It’s only been three days of this hard work schedule but I already feel disconnected from myself and my day-to-day life. It feels good being Superwoman, working long hours, and getting all the things done, but I need time to spend with just myself to rest and decompress. I need a part of every day that belongs to me alone.

    Soon though, soon. The long work hours won’t last more than another work-week and in the middle of it all I will have a nice long weekend. I’ll make it, physically, mentally is still up in the air though.


    It came! It finally came! My Penguin Little Black Classics box set was finally delivered today, and it is as beautiful and wonderful as I’d hoped.

    When I got home, I saw the box and even though I had a bad headache and needed to rest, I took the box with me into the bed to look over each of the 80 books one by one before nodding off. I woke around dinner time and carried the whole set with me from the bed to the couch to examine each one again and start reading. I’m already halfway through the first one now. I wish I could carry all 80 books with me everywhere. I love them all.

  • 014//366

    My anxiety over the first day of class for the new employees starting today kept me up all night last night. It isn’t that I was worrying about making a mistake or about anything going wrong. Instead, I laid there in dark just running through the details, trying to create a script for every interaction, find an answer to every question that could be asked, and coming up with a strategy for every obstacle I might encounter.

    I just wanted it all planned out and no matter how much I told myself that a perfect or complete plan was impossible I couldn’t stop my mind from racing nor calm my heart from pounding hard and loud.

    I think it’s knowing that what I am doing is important. It’s knowing the stakes are high. It’s knowing that there are stakes at all! It’s knowing that what I say to these people has an impact and consequences in not just their lives but the lives of the kids we service and assist. What I do matters and I can’t just breeze through it with an “I got this” attitude.

    I owe it to everyone to worry myself sick.


    It wasn’t easy, but I managed to make it through the first day of class unscathed. A lot of things went wrong but not in any of the ways I worried about or tried to plan for last night. Despite my frustrations this somehow makes me feel better. It’s like a small proof that I had nothing to worry about after all. Still, I was on my feet all day and scrambling to appear profession amid the chaos.

    My hope now is that all that hard work and stress has exhausted me enough that I will sleep a little more soundly tonight.

  • Goals // Week 03

    Goals // Week 03

    This week is going to be another busy one. There is a new class of employees starting and I will need work long hours to get them trained and ready for the kids. That means very little time for personal goals and pursuits. That means the calendar is out the door and I will need to be flexible and focused whenever I have a more than a moment for myself alone.

    This week I will:

    Read half of Love in the Time of Cholera by Gabriel García Márquez, or 25 pages per day, on average. I will read as much as possible during my lunch breaks at work but with my rigorous work schedule I may be eating on my feet this week. That’s ok though. There will be time over the weekend to catch up. I’d really like to finish this book within the next two weeks so I can start on my new Penguin Little Black Classics Box Set as soon as possible.

    Update: Yeah, no, not even close. I read a mere 75 pages all week which may not sound like much but it was something. This year I’m trying not to let a week go buy without having made at least some progress, any progress, through one of my books. Considering that goal, I succeeded.

    Journal every day. Time for blogging and writing will most likely be non existent but I cannot go the next 5 days without writing something. Writing is first and foremost for me, always. It keeps me centered and sane, so even when I cannot write for others I must make time to write for me. I need a place to vent and a place to remind myself of what is good and I need that space every day.

    Update: This was my most disappointing failure of the week. In my defense I am still getting used to journaling by hand again and I often forget to do it. Going forward I would like to start carrying my notebooks outside of a bag so that they are always within eyesight and always on my mind.

    Exercise every other day starting today. Since I’ve started to wean off of my medication, my energy levels have plummeted and working out is not as easy as it was even as early as a week ago. Still. I have been doing well and I do not want to lose the momentum or motivation I have built up. Even if I have to cut back on reps and rounds that’s okay. I will do as much as I can and remind myself that everything counts.

    Update: Once again I had just one day this week with enough energy and willpower to get through my goals. This one is easy to forget when it isn’t scheduled and since I knew I would be so occupied by work I never made the schedule. Oh well, lesson learned.

    Make something with my hands. Between work and rest I doubt I will get this far but just in case I am on top of my game and crushing it I wanted to add a goal to create a little art if I get a chance. It’s been weeks since I had a chance to spread out some magazine clippings, to zone out with my X-Acto knives, to make a mess, and to surprise myself. I probably need it more than I know.

    Update: Another failure for the week but I’d like to focus on the progress I made instead and note that I did make time to clean up the creativity room and to make space for my art. I’m also giving myself permission to consider art a weekend pursuit rather than something I have to commit to practicing every single day.

    Breathe. My health depends on me managing my stress levels and that means being mindful of how long and how much work I have been doing and taking breaks before they are needed. But breaks don’t just mean stepping away from the work physically. The kind of breaks I will need are more akin to meditation. A chance for my mind to quiet and for me to focus on the body and breath.

    Update: Sometimes breathing is all you can do. Sometimes breathing is all you can ask or expect from youreself. Sometimes simply breathing has to be enough.

    This week I will not push myself too far. It’s often hard for me to see where my limits are and I often don’t learn their importance until after I have stepped across them but I will tread lightly and do my best to see the signs of burn out and declining health before they force me out and down.


    For a look at how I fared last week check out my updated post for Week 02.

    Photo by adrian on Unsplash

  • 013//366

    I could easily go right back to bed right now. Unfortunately, I’m already at work out in the cold and growing ngrier by the minute about it.

    My energy levels are still very low and it hit me that these past few weeks that I’ve been waking up so early and getting so much done, working out and focusing so we’ll we the tasks at hand, none of that was me. It was my medication.

    Now that I am coming off of it I’m slowly returning to my old default. This version of me, the exhausted and irritable one, the unfocused and unmotivated one, the frustrated and disappointed one, that one is the real me.

    But knowing, or remembering, this also made me realize that I do not want to go on with this pity party any more. This is the reality and all I can do is face it and do what I can with it. I want stop focusing so much on what I can’t do and spend a lot more time focusing on what I can do and what I have done. I can’t make myself have more energy but I can change my expectations and my perspective.

    Everything counts and trying is all that matters now.

  • 012//366

    Not much better than yesterday to be honest, perhaps worse if I think about it too much. I couldn’t get out of bed on time and though I feel a bit of disappointment over it I can tell by how easily and deeply I slept even after having woken up, made myself breakfast, and had my morning coffee. I’m exhausted and there is no use fighting it. I have to give my body what it wants before it has no choice but to take what it needs.

    I’m up now though and doing my best to complete just one or two to-do items. I’m not shooting any higher than “better than nothing” today and even that might be asking too much.

    But just because I can’t do a big thing, doesn’t mean I should do nothing. I can find something to do that is more in line with where I am mentally and physically. Today I cannot write much, or work out, or get through the list of chores, but I can finish reading a book today. I can pile up the pillows and blankets in a corner of the couch and spend the afternoon with Baruch Spinoza.

    I can learn something. I can get a little closer to my reading goals. I can make some use of this day.