Goals // Week 10: We’re Going to Be Okay

This week is going to be much like the last few. I’ll have long hours and plenty of work to fill them with. I’ll have few hours left for me and even less energy to make much use of them. This pace is growing tiresome, and it’s getting harder and harder to fend off burnout… Continue reading Goals // Week 10: We’re Going to Be Okay

Goals // Week 09: My Own Worst Enemy

This week I may be looking at a lot more free time than I’ve had in weeks and I do not want to waste it. I want to write, or at least to complete those tasks that have been looming over me. This week I have to be mindful, willful, and fierce in my defence… Continue reading Goals // Week 09: My Own Worst Enemy

Goals // Week 08: Find My Footing

This week I have a little break from all the expectations and obligations that have long become routine. The weekend is a long one. I have an extra day off from work and the next class of new employees won’t begin with me for more than a week more. That means I have a chance… Continue reading Goals // Week 08: Find My Footing

Goals // Week 07: Keep It Simple

This week is already starting off on a rather negative note. I have a throat infection I’m fighting off and had to take the first day of the work week off to rest so I’m ready for the infusion center and my new medication starting on Tuesday. All this while still teaching the new employees at… Continue reading Goals // Week 07: Keep It Simple

The end of the week, and the end of the month, has finally arrived. I have mixed feelings about both. January is probably the farthest from being my favorite month but the older I get the more I want to slow it all down, even the most miserable of months.

But today I’m eager to get to the end. I’m eager to see 5:00, to leave work, and to see my wife. It’s date night. We’re going to the movies, of course, to see Parasite, finally. I hope it will be as good as critics say. I hope the hype is real and I will love it as much as media says I will. It seems like my kind of film: slow building, a little weird, a little disturbing, and open to all kinds of interpretation.

I’m eager to see the rest of the weekend too. The weather this weekend promises to be beautiful and I have every intention of getting out to soak it up before the snow forecasted to hit by midday Monday.

I spent the day getting ready for next week. Turns out I’m not going to have the week of rest and recuperation I thought I was going to have and that I know I so desperately need. I’m preparing paperwork and preparing myself emotionally too. If I’m honest it’s frustrating but at the same time it’s forcing me to focus on the time I have now and to do what makes me feel good today.

I’m reading a lot and I’m enjoying it for a change. Lately reading has been a chore, a race, a goal and milestone I have to achieve. I read to say I have been reading and not for the pure enjoyment of it. I’m keeping track of pages read and pushing myself to get through just 20 more, 10 more, 2 more and I can stop. It’s been a long time since I just got lost in the story. I want to get back to that again. I’m getting lost in a book today. No time limits, no page goals, just reading while it feels good and stopping when it no longer does.

Life is feeling somewhat back to normal today. My favorite coworkers are back, the class of new employees is being released, and for the next few days nothing “above and beyond” will be asked of me.

Everyone is sick and I’m a little scared of catching this flu or infection going around. Whatever it is it appears to be highly contagious. It escalates quickly and impacts the body severely. A lot of my coworkers look like zombies: pale, sluggish, and devoid of rationality. For my part I’m keeping the office clean, keeping my distance, and drinking Emergen-c religiously. The last thing I need right now is another nasty cold as I’m weaning off of one medication and about to begin another.

I am trying to write but I’m feeling stuck, passionless, and empty. The words won’t come and they are hidden so well I don’t even know in which direction to begin my search. No amount of promises or punishment is working and I’m already out of coffee so I’m giving up for now. I’ve written this, and that is better than nothing. Time to switch to reading. Love in the Time of Cholera is getting better and I’m excited to start Aphorisms on Love and Hate by Friedrich Nietzsche today. I should get through as many pages as I can while the enthusiasm lasts.

Yesterday I wondered over creating space between myself and the emotions and actions of others, I meant it metaphorically but today I am manifesting it literally. I’m staying home and enjoying some much wanted if not much needed time alone.

It’s not just that though. I’m having that heavy exhausted feeling again, that fatigue that gets into the bones and won’t leave no matter how much sleep you get or caffeine you guzzle. I’ve had to take two naps and make two carafes of coffee in the French press and I’m only just now feeling somewhat myself again.

I had hoped to spend the day half cleaning, half writing, but neither of those were possible in significant amounts. I did get a lot of reading done though, almost half my goal for the week already! I’m proud of that at least and that goes a long way (in addition to the rest) toward making me feel a little more prepared to return to the real world tomorrow.

Goals // Week 05

This week is the last of the month and the last of this crazy work schedule I’ve been struggling through since mid-January. I expect things to die down by mid-week but it won’t last long, I hear. There is another new class of employee lined up and ready to to start training come the start of… Continue reading Goals // Week 05