Lisa Marie Blair

Statuses

  • 091 // I Can Move Again

    Starting new medications means trading one set of side effects for another, and this causes the paradoxical condition of both feeling better and feeling worse at the same time.

    My energy has returned, my joints so much feel better, and I’m no longer feeling bloated and heavy from the moment I wake up to the moment I lay down to sleep at night. Instead, though I have rolling headaches and nausea, and sharper pains in the belly that come and go.

    It’s hard to gauge whether one medicine or another leaves you better off or worse but for me and for this medication, the relief from joint pain alone is a godsend. Not only can I move again, but being still is no longer painful either.

    These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren

  • 090 // Sunday Night Rage

    As usual, the weekend flew by too quickly and, of course, I didn’t get to even half of the things I’d hoped. My next chance won’t be for another 5 days now and, at this moment, looking down the long length of those five days, I’m filled with righteous indignation. Five days of every week I must give up and just two are left over for me? Half of which I need to use is in recovering from the five!

    Sunday nights and all the required preparation only remind me how bleak and pitiless this reality really is.

    These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren

  • 089 // Me and Myself

    I’m surprised by how much I’ve come to enjoy my time alone. Of course, I miss my girlfriend, and the dog is here to provide a sense of security, but the silence rather than being unsettling is quite calming and comfortable.

    I used to hate being confined to my thoughts but slowly I’m becoming one of my own favorite people. I’m enjoying my own company and seeing the value in companionship with myself. Me and myself have finally, it seems, come to a place of understanding, non judgement, and embarked on a burgeoning friendship.

    These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren

  • 088 // Disoriented

    I finished Gabriel García Márquez’s One Hundred Years of Solitude today and I have to say, no other book has ever left me feeling so disoriented and wretched (in the best possible way) as this one.

    I was so enthralled by the Buendía family and so ensnared by Marquez’s writing I more than half believed it was all true. Not just the events but the wisdom and the warning of it all. I lived through those one hundred years and witnessed such fascinating and terrible events only to wake up to this reality. What a colossal disappointment in comparison.

    This is both the reward and the agonizing pain of a damn good book.

    These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren

  • 087 // Drab Day

    Today was unremarkable and uneventful.

    Normally when nothing happens time drags on, but today was different. Perhaps those long days are only boring days, much is happening but none of it is what we want to happen. And maybe this unremarkable and uneventful day flew by because what happened coincided perfectly with what I wanted to happen and it just turned out that none of it was particularly grand or compelling.

    I had just the drab day I needed.

    These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren

  • 086 // It Could Be Worse

    I was finally able, after weeks of back and forth with my doctor, my insurance provider, the pharmacy, and the drug company, to get my medication and now I find myself almost too afraid to take it! They really should try to find gentler wording to use in those warning packets they give you the first time, you know?

    I wish I felt comfortable enough to share the outrageous cost of the medication here but I will tell you that after ringing up the bottle the pharmacist simply started at the screen with a look that was equal parts confused and astounded.

    He wouldn’t even speak and only after I told him he was worrying me and asked him to please explain the look on my face did he ask me what I normally paid for the medication. I told him that whatever the cost I wasn’t the one paying; it was the drug company, and he sighed relief on my behalf. When the price came up on the card reader, I understood his shock. Even if it wasn’t my money, it hurt a little to swipe that card.

    No matter what I go through in this shit show of a healthcare system I am constantly reminded that it could be worse. I could have had to pay that price tag with my own money, and in all honestly, that price would have been many times larger if I didn’t have insurance at all.

    I’m frustrated for me but I’m wholeheartedly sorry for those worse off. I hope change comes soon and we all get relief from this cruel and unnecessary bureaucracy.

    These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren

  • 085 // If Only

    Today was day 2 of the conference I’m attending through work and though I still can’t say I learned a lot of new things I can say I walked away with a lot to think about and even more to be optimistic about.

    It turns out that despite what you may see on TV or read on social media; the world is still moving toward the good. Kids are going to schools that are more compassionate, understanding, and open than ever before and becoming more so every day.

    They are learning more than just facts. They are learning who they are, not being told, and to exist firmly and wholly in a world with other people. It’s beautiful and bittersweet. If only these studies, these policies, and these teachers had existed when I was in school…sigh.

    These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren

  • 084 // Good People Are Needed at All Levels

    Attended the first day of a “back to basics” conference my work sent me to and though I can’t say I learned a lot, it was eye-opening to meet with people from all over the state and to meet so many others who fill the same role I do in my district at theirs.

    I sometimes feel alone, or unimportant in my position. I sometimes feel like my passions, my concerns, and my expectations for myself, my coworkers, and my department are too overblown and grandiose but today I met others who love what they do, take seriously what they do, and push themselves and their teams to do better because it’s the right thing to do and not because it will advance their careers. Quite the opposite in fact. They want to stay where they are because they understand the good people are needed at all levels.

    That more than any new piece of information or concept has enlivened me and reawakened something I knew I had lost but thought I could never get back.

  • 083 // I Can Do Anything

    Feeling low tonight, but at the same time, I’m feeling hopeful and excited too.

    I’m trying something new. Whenever I feel scared, anxious, or worried I first tell myself that my fears are valid. I tell myself that I am absolutely right, that all the worst things I imagine could, in fact, come to pass, but after that, I always imagine what it will be like when I come out the other side of my fear, my anxiety, and everything I worry about having overcome it all. I imagine what a triumph that would be. I imagine the pride I will feel and what praise I’ll receive.

    It may be strange but seeing yourself on the other side—even a narcissistic and shallow version basking in the glow of my loved one’s admiration—seems to help. The more I imagine her the more the possibility of being that girl becomes real and just like my worries and fears and anxieties can absolutely come true, so too can this opposite reality where I can am brave and can do anything.

    These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren

  • 082 // The Week is Looming Already

    Still feeling good about yesterday’s progress but the stress is slowly rising up again too. There are still so many more big decisions to make and still so little time to make them in. The time for celebration and congratulations are over, the shame of my procrastination has returned. We’re still so far behind.

    And on top of that next week is looming bigger and scarier all the time. I have a work conference to attend on Monday and Tuesday and I’m scared. Not of anything in particular, but of everything, and for no reason at all. Nothing is expected of me but to go and learn, but it’s terrifying to be out of my comfort zone. I’m excited too but somehow that only adds to my fear.

    Anxiety is so hard to explain.

    These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren

  • 081 // Wedding Progress and Us

    We made some big decisions today. We’ve booked a photographer, two photographers actually! We have moved forward with a caterer though the price tag was shocking at first. And we’ve decided to have someone close to us, someone without whom we would never have even known each other, officiate our ceremony. It’ll be more work but it is one of the very few decisions the just felt right.

    After all that wedding work we left for our movie date. We saw Us, the new horror film from Jordan Peele. It was good and you should definitely see it, but I don’t have the words to explain why. I’m still processing it. It’s more than what you see in the trailers. It’s more than a horror film. That’s all I know.

    These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren

  • 080 // My Big Girl Pants

    I put on my big girl pants and went back to work today. I held my head high and acted unbothered. There were a few fumbles in the beginning but for the most part, it was a good day. I got to do the work I wanted. I felt useful, and for the most part, was left alone.

    And now my weekend can begin. I took tomorrow off for no reason other than I just wanted to. I probably shouldn’t have. I’ll probably regret it and I’ll probably miss the money, but for now, it feels good. I always sleep best when I don’t work the next day and God damn am I exhausted. I need this.

    Next week is already stressful, sigh.

    These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren

  • 079 // Repairing the Day’s Damage

    First thing this morning I got an email from the doctor, my liver results still don’t look good and further testing, and further med changes may be in order. I read the email in the car while my girlfriend drove us to work and I nearly broke down in tears. I’m just so tired of it all. Tired of being tired and tired of all the reasons I’m tired.

    I got to do more of the new work I was doing yesterday and that took my mind off of things but then my anxiety and health issues came up at in front of my boss, and her boss, and many of my coworkers, and I spent the rest of my day feeling like everyone was looking at me, talking about me, feeling sorry for me, or judging me. I felt exposed and embarrassed, and I ended up having to leave early because I couldn’t handle it.

    When I got home things got better. I pulled up my to-do list and one by one marked off all the things I’d been putting off. I darted around the house, inside and out, and for everything I cleaned up, took care of, fixed, or put away I felt a little better about myself. And now, it’s time for bed, and I’ve nearly repaired the day’s damage, but it’s going to be hard to return in the morning and face all those faces again.

    These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren

  • 078 // Doing Something New

    I’m doing something new at work for a few days. I’m helping in our recruiting department by calling prospective employees and encouraging them to finish their application process and to schedule them for interviews if they have.

    I was dreading it before I came in. My stomach was in knots and more than once I thought about calling in sick for the whole week just to avoid it, but I knew I needed to be brave and to do my best or I’d never forgive myself. So, I went in and did just that, and you know what? I fucking rocked it!

    My boss was probably hyping me up a more than I deserved so I wouldn’t quit but I really felt like I took to it, and more than that, I kind of liked it. It was interesting, and I really felt like I was doing something to help our district more directly.

    I’m going back tomorrow for more. I’m still nervous, but a little less so, but I’m trying not to think about that now. For now, I’m just proud.

    These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren