Lisa Marie Blair

Statuses

  • 063 // Release Yourself

    Sometimes our offers of help are rejected and our best-laid plans swept entirely aside. Sometimes we know that we know best but all efforts to convince anyone are in vain. We’re forced to swallow our pride and allow others to take the lead. We’re forced to follow a path we know leads to failure and to follow it with enthusiasm, energy, cheerfulness, and camaraderie.

    It’s absolutely awful, and it’s life.

    But then again, with our pride pushed firmly aside we might be able to see the silver lining. We might be able to see that what we’d tried to control wasn’t ours to control in the first place and holding onto it only keeps us from what is ours to direct and command. Let someone else take this burden. Release yourself from the stress and do only, think only, care only for what we have to, then go home to what belongs to you alone.

    These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren

  • 062 // If Only Every Day Could Be Sunday

    I have a hard time letting go of Sundays. I don’t want to go to bed because I don’t want the week to begin.

    I want every day to be like this and every Sunday. I want all my days to be for taking care of me and for taking care of my home. I want to get up early drink coffee all day, tidy up, read, write, watch a movie, take a nap and go to bed late every day and night of my life!

    I want Monday to never come at all…

    These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren

  • 061 // A Peaceful Moment

    I can see the snow starting to fall from our big living room window and all my ladies are sleeping around me. My girlfriend is stretched out to left on the couch, the dog is at my feet and the cat is snoring in her tower to the right. The TV is quiet, my girlfriend having nodded off before she could choose a movie, and for the moment, life is peaceful.

    I hope for the same peace tomorrow when there will be more snow and nothing calling us up and out of the house. I wish I could have it every day forever, but soon there will be work and a lot of work and family obligations to get in the way. That’s why I mark these moments when I can. I hold them in my heart and pull them out on whenever I’m overwhelmed or anxious.

    This kind of peace, I have to remind myself, does exist and I will always be able to find it again.

    These entries are inspired by Thord D. Hedengren

  • 060 // The Privilege of Problems

    It was all downhill from my morning coffee.

    I don’t want to fill this place with more complaints and curmudgeonry so I’ll simply say that I’m grateful for the problems I do have because they are proof of my privilege. I’m grateful to have a job and the respect and consideration of my coworkers. I’m happy to have a home that needs cleaning, friends and family to be obligated to, and a relationship that requires time, patience, compromise, and understanding.

    I’m grateful for my problems, and for Fridays, that revitalizing light at the end of the tunnel I need to push on toward the weekend.

    These entries are inspired by the journal posts of Thord D. Hedengren

  • 059 // Simply Unfair

    The weather may not be sapping my energy today, but other people certainly are. I feel let down and taken advantage of. I feel unimportant and at the same time, I feel like everything is being put on me.

    I don’t want to complain though. I can’t control other people. I can talk to them, sure, but I may have to accept that some things are simply unfair and focus on what I have to do rather than what others are not doing.

    These entries are inspired by the journal posts of Thord D. Hedengren

  • 058 // Tired of the Season

    I struggled to match yesterday’s enthusiasm but there was still measurable progress made. The week has already gotten away from me though and I’m not sure I’m going to meet those writing goals I set for myself but it isn’t from lack of trying so I’m not going to beat myself up over it.

    I couldn’t resist watching Micheal Cohen testify before the House Oversight Committee today. Part of me wishes I had skipped it and done more writing or reading instead, but another part felt that this was too important a political event to miss. I was a wild ride and not a moment of it felt like a waste.

    I’m especially tired tonight for no good reason at all. Sure, I didn’t get the best sleep last night, but not the worst either. I didn’t spend the day working too hard, physically or mentally, and there was plenty of coffee to drink and I even took a nap mid-afternoon.

    Still, I came home feeling drained and disoriented. I couldn’t hold a thought in my head and I kept forgetting what it was I wanted to do next. All I wanted, more than food, more than my TV shows, more than even a shower, was to go straight to bed.

    I blame the weather. I blame the frigid temperatures and the depressing fog that hung around the city all day. I blame the threat of over the coming weekend and the way winter has exhausted me these last few weeks. I’m simply tired of the season. I can’t take much more.

    But, tomorrow is the last day of February and there are just 21 days left until Spring now. I think I’ll make it though it will be hard.

    These entries are inspired by the journal posts of Thord D. Hedengren

  • 057 // Small but Measurable

    I took today for myself and when I did I promised not to waste it. I did all the things I wanted to do until each little goal was met, and then I did no more.

    I did one day’s worth of Spanish lessons and didn’t concern myself with being top of the leaderboard. I watched one day’s worth of videos for Social Norms, Social Change I and I didn’t try to complete the whole week at once. I read exactly 50 pages of One Hundred Years of Solitude so there would be time left for writing, and worked on a draft of my next “Currently” post without the pressure of trying to make it perfect right away.

    I’m practicing chipping away at things. I’m doing less of each thing per day so that I can accomplish more in the long term. I’m not rushing, or pressuring myself, or feeling guilty and because of that, there is no reason to be afraid, to be overwhelmed, or to procrastinate.

    Today wasn’t perfect but I learned that it helps to use a timer and to schedule my time on social media. It helps to set a clear goal for each task and to decide before you begin exactly when you will stop. It helps to turn on some music and to have a plan for when you get distracted, stuck, or tired.

    I feel good tonight, and proud. I wanted to keep the momentum going so, I turned off the TV early and made time for a short walk, a long shower, and one more chapter before bed.

    I look forward to some small but measurable progress tomorrow.

    These entries are inspired by the journal posts of Thord D. Hedengren

  • 056 // Spreading Things Out

    I’ve been thinking about what I wrote yesterday, about trying to do too much on Sundays because I don’t know what Sundays are for. I realized that Sundays are not the only days I overload this way. I do the same on Mondays and Fridays too.

    The core of the problem is procrastination. I schedule too much work for the future so I can do nothing now, and then when that future arrives I’m astonished to find that several day’s worth of work will not fit into one. So, I fail, and I give up. I get nothing done and I still keep doing it again and again.

    This week I’d like to try spreading things out more. I’m going to chip away at the big goals by doing a little every day, and for the weekends, perhaps spending half of each day resting and the other half working each day would suit me better?

    Excerpt from a Slowly app letter I wrote today:

    “I get what you are saying about everything being predetermined. I feel the same, as if as all my thoughts or actions originate from somewhere inside of my mind just out of reach of my conscious. The thought comforts me rather than anxiety though and I have no desire to fight it.”

    “I read somewhere that our free will is limited by our ignorance of the choices available to us. The best way to maximize choice and control over your life is to gain knowledge. Knowledge of the world, of history, of people, and of yourself. Just something to think about, or something you’ve made me think about, anyway.”

    These entries are inspired by the journal posts of Thord D. Hedengren

  • 055 // I Never Get Sundays Right

    My problem with Sundays is I expect too much from them. I do nothing on Saturday, that’s my “rest day”, and then I expect to wake up early, write three blog posts, clean my whole house, exercise, cook a big dinner, spend quality time with my girlfriend, watch all my shows, and then go to bed early. I rarely do even half of that, and even less is done well. Today was no exception.

    I suppose I’m just not sure what Sunday’s should be for. Are they for rest? Are they for fun? Are they for working and planning? I keep trying to do it all and I never get it right so maybe it’s time I do Sundays another way?

    These entries are inspired by the journal posts of Thord D. Hedengren

  • 054 // A Whole Lot of Unproductivity

    I woke with grand plans this morning but lost the battle to myself and the couch early on. In my defense sleep has eluded me all week. I’ve been overworked and filled with worry. I’m still off my medication and my body is responding in strange ways including a persist and headache and joints that ache in turn. In my defense I was defenseless.

    So, today I rested and I ate, and tomorrow I’ll get up and try again.

    Wish me the best of luck would you?

    These entries are inspired by the journal posts of Thord D. Hedengren

  • 053 // Human Lies

    It hurts when the people we care about lie to us. Trust is broken and a small part of the world we thought we’d figured out is given over to the unknown and chaotic around us. Things we never thought possible become very real fears, again.

    But a lie doesn’t have to be the end of the world. People lie because they are hurting. They lie because they are ashamed. I should know, I used to lie all the time. That’s how I know that people lie when something in their lives or their hearts becomes severely and painfully broken. Sometimes that pain is a bigger issue than the lie itself.

    And sometimes, if the lie is not very big and if the truth comes to light from the one who spun the untruth first, if we trust in what we know of their heart we can put our hurt aside to find the path past the unpleasantness through honesty, sympathy, patience, and understanding.

    Lying is a human thing, and not necessarily evil. The lies we (all) tell exist on levels and some are less severe, quite understandable, and worthier of forgiveness than others.

    These entries are inspired by the journal posts of Thord D. Hedengren

  • 052 // Troubling Signs

    I’ve been feeling good lately, physically at least. The longer I am off my old infusion medication the better I feel too. I’ve lost weight. I’m happier, more motivated, and enjoying the random bursts of enthusiasm I have for people again. I feel good, but there are troubling signs too. I’m afraid without the infusions to control my ulcerative colitis plus all the stress I’ve been dealing with, a flare is imminent.

    It figures that when my symptoms are under control the rest of my body would feel like crap, and when I get my gut under control, then the rest of my feels cruddy. Sigh.

    Tonight we secured the wedding venue and our date, and we settled on wedding invitations too. Three decisions down, about a thousand more to go. I am finally feeling more excited, but I’m also feeling a lot more anxious and doubtful. I can’t shake the fear that we are now locked into something over our heads and financially foolish. I can’t help doubting we can pull it off or that any of this will be worth it or as wonderful as we dream.

    I just try to remember that at the end of all this I will be married and that, more than any of those thousand little decisions I’ll have to make until then, is what matters most.

    These entries are inspired by the journal posts of Thord D. Hedengren

  • 051 // Never as Bad as I Think

    Woke up late this morning and then laid in bed longer than I should have trying to decide if it was worth seizing another day for myself by calling into work. As nice as the sixth day in a row of relaxing would have been, I decided I didn’t need the guilt and made my way reluctantly and riddled with angst to work.

    I was sure it was going to be a bad day but if I’m honest, it didn’t turn out even half as bad as I feared. I think waking up early isn’t easy, and with all the extra work and the last-minute schedule changes, I’m just feeling extra anxious and pessimistic. Plus, I’m returning from a not-long-enough-by-far vacation and I’m missing some of my favorite coworkers who have left for brighter opportunities.

    Day-to-day things are hard, but they aren’t bad. I just need a new groove, that’s all.

    And the truth is, there was a lot of good today too. I made progress on all fronts including blogging, wedding planning, reading, and in my social norms course. I also realized that even though I don’t consider myself much of a morning person there is a part of me that kind of likes how I feel after I get through that first “getting ready for the day” stage.

    It’s possible that is my most productive time and I never knew it until now. I’m working out how to use it to my advantage considering normally I’m working hard at my day job then.

    Anyway, my point is that nothing is ever as bad as I think it is or will be and I actually enjoy a lot more of my day-to-day life than I like to admit.

    These entries are inspired by the journal posts of Thord D. Hedengren

  • 050 // Getting Off the Couch

    Today is for reading, and writing, and laundry…and Netflix. I’m hoping to be off the couch and in the “creativity room” by noon but I’m a realist. I know myself and on days like this, my will power is incredibly low. Without some further fortifying circumstances or substances, I have very little chance of winning this fight against myself.

    I’ll give copious amounts of coffee a try, but I promise nothing.

    I finished binge-watching The Umbrella Academy on Netflix and it was very good, can’t recommend it enough. Hopefully, season 2 isn’t too far away…sigh.

    Afterward, I was able to force myself up and off the couch to clean, to write, and to mark a thing or two off of my to-do list. (Coffee did help!) I was too late to make it into the “creativity room” but tomorrow is another day, another chance.

    And now, the long weekend is over. I’m off to bed early tonight because I know tomorrow morning will be hard. I’ve been staying up, sleeping in and doing exactly what I want every day since last Friday. Starting tomorrow I’m back to doing just what everyone else wants me to do and it won’t be easy, emotionally or physically.

    Oh well, there’s less than four weeks left until Spring break.

    The countdown begins.

    These entries are inspired by the journal posts of Thord D. Hedengren