Statuses

Some days are easier than others, this one is proving a lot harder than most. The starting came easier than expected, but the my mood and motivation deteriorated soon after.

It’s the first of our Mother’s Day celebrations. I bought my mom a nice bouquet of flowers and an adorable cactus (her favorite plant) vase to set them in. We went out to the nail salon and had a girls’ day of being papered for a bit. Afterward was a delicious lunch at a restaurant nearby. The outing was fun, but by afternoon fatigue was setting in and my anxiety was rising.

It’s evening now and dark storm clouds are rolling in making me melancholy and lethargic. Looking forward to the next few days of dreary weather, I can’t help feeling pretty low. It seems no one day can ever contain only itself. No matter how hard I try, the past and the future seep in through the cracks faster than I can cope.

It’s been quite a long week, but knowing that this is the last consecutive day that I will have to rise before the sun and head off to work puts my mood miles ahead of where it’s been these past few days.

A good night’s sleep has eluded me since midweek at least, and last night was no different, though the morning headache that’s quickly become my new normal was either less intense, or has become easier to bear with time. Either way, today counts as a good day, or at least I’m choosing to fudge the criteria and to have it included.

The gorgeous weather we are having helps. Looking ahead, dreary downpours and thunderstorms are forecasted for the next four days. I’m not happy about that, but the clouds are not under my control and dwelling does no good. Instead, I made time during lunch for a walk and ate outside to soak up as much sunshine and warmth as I could to see me through.

In addition, the workload is light, all the bosses are out, and there are plenty of coworkers around to get the work done early. Stress levels are low and coping is coming easily. Worries and thoughts of impeding doom feel far away, and I am grateful.

May these kinds of days come more frequently, and may I learn to recognize them more easily when they do.

I spoke too soon. Life, it seems, will go on swinging wildly between progress and regression, between good and bad days—sometimes between good and bad hours—and within the days and hours my moods will oscillate too from elated to despondent and back again.

I’m entirely overwhelmed by a myriad of emotions and find myself overcome with anger, sadness, grief, worry, and, occasionally, even hope at the most random times of day. Tears well up and my laughter comes too loud or fast. I’m outgoing one minute and longing for silence or searching for corners to hide away in the next. Motivation and lethargy come and go, and any minute I feel faced with a new version of myself I do not recognize.

I’m hoping these choppy seas will settle soon and I’ll find days of smooth sailing again. For now, the key is acceptance. This is my situation. These are my circumstances. Nothing can change what’s come before, only what happens now and even much of that is beyond my control.

I have to learn to be like the very waters I wish to navigate.

It’s amazing how much difference a week or two can make. It’s amazing how quickly things can turn around and how easy, and just how agonizingly hard it can be too.

Something in me has certainly shifted. I know the when, but the why eludes me. To be honest, I’m not looking too closely. I have a tendency to over-analyze and agonize over questions that have no answers, a habit which only ever results in steep losses in motivation or opportunities. I’m planning on spending this cycle of ups in pure gratitude. I’m simply thankful for the energy and the inspiration.

I’ve been improving on nearly every level. I’ve obviously been writing more, and my health has been improving too, though I’m watching closely and cautiously. I’m concerned much of my progress is due to medications that I am going to quickly be weaning off of soon. There is a strong possibility I will start heading back downhill within weeks, and an almost certainty that I will within months or a year at most.

It’s nice to feel a little more like my old self and to get back to cultivating some of my old habits and goals. I’m waking up earlier in the morning. I’m meditating again. I’m sustaining energy levels for longer and longer. It’s getting easier and easier to do the hard things now. A sense of discipline and willpower have returned. I’m still waiting on enthusiasm and some social skills to return, but there’s no rush yet on those.

The life lessons are coming rapidly, too. I’m learning to take problems and worries as they come. I’m learning not to get too far ahead into places I don’t want to be or places that don’t serve me. I’m learning to have patience, to be resilient, to be understanding where I can be and to uncompromising when my principles are on the line.

This is certainly the beginning of a new chapter of my life. I look forward to further character developments, a change of setting and circumstance, and the possibility of a new plot.

The days never look as good while you are working your way through them as they do in retrospect. Yesterday, for example, felt slow, drab, and unproductive throughout but looking back over my goals and to-dos from this tomorrow I can see quite a lot actually got done and I’m proud.

My hope is that today will be the same. The sun is out at least, and that is a vast improvement already. It good to have gotten through Monday, and so far I’m plodding along pretty steadily from task to task. My workload is a little heavier but if I use my time mindfully this shouldn’t be a problem.

I’m struggling to want to write, but having the hour scheduled for later helps. I can focus on taking notes, freewriting, and thinking which has always been my favorite part of writing. That and the “having written“.

I thought I’d tackle a book review next. It’s been quite a long time since I’ve shared my thoughts on any recent reads. The books I tend to enjoy are so heavy though, it makes it hard to be light-hearted or short-winded. It makes it hard not to give the whole book away.

I think more light-hearted writing is in order though, to balance so much of my heavy feeling. I’ve always tended to take life and myself far too seriously and that makes for hard writing and I worry it makes for hard reading too.

I woke this morning to yet another cold and dreary day. I don’t mind rain so much, usually, but we’ve had quite a lot of it and none of it’s been quite the right kind. It’s been the all day gray and depressing stuff, not the swift and severe kind that roll in through the summer afternoons that I love so much.

It’s hard to focus today, though I have very little around to serve as any distraction. The mind always finds a way, it seems. I’m far too fatigued and unfriendly feeling to get anything done for myself or for anyone else.

I don’t expect the clouds or the chill to lift until tomorrow, neither do I hope for my mood to improve until the sun peeks out again. I’m learning to use these swinging moods of mine to my advantage. A drab day doesn’t have to mean being listless or low, it can mean being pensive and purposeful. It can mean time to pull inside myself and pull at what’s been building or bothering.

When the blue sky returns I will emerge again, to focus on interaction, inspiration, and input, but today is for introspection, silence, and solitude and there isn’t a thing at all wrong with that.

The morning started out sunny, but around lunchtime the skies grew dark and our phone began warning us of severe storms on the way. Some of my outdoor projects will have to be put off. Tomorrow is looking dreary too, so it may be midweek before progress is made.

It’s nearing evening now, and I’m frustrated by how easily the body gives out. Coffee and some natural drive got me through the morning, but my energy levels quickly fizzled out from there. I’m considering some afternoon tea and a boost of B12 to carry me through the until bedtime.

Not that there is much left to do now, or much time left to do it in even if I wanted. The groceries are bought, the laundry is folded, the dishes washed and put away. There will be some time for writing, for planning the work week, and for crucial self-care needs, but the to-do list never really ends and there is always more you wish you could do and more weekend you wish you had to do it in.

I make the best use of what I have, but there is always something left unchecked, something I didn’t get to, something that has to be put off. Two days has never been enough for the errands, the cleaning, the visits with family, the projects, the rest, and all the fun you’re in desperate need of before you must give up more precious hours of your life for bills and necessities you only end up resenting.

And like clockwork, I slip into the usual Sunday blues.

I woke up this morning believing it was Friday rather than Saturday and though nothing at all indicated that it was a workday—no alarms had rung and my wife was still in bed—I dragged myself from the warmth into the cold darkness of my house to begin getting ready.

I shortly realized that I’d made a sad mistake and promptly returned to my cozy comforter, but what struck me afterward wasn’t the mistake and the disruption to my rest, but that I’d a habit was forming again. I was able to do what needed to be done, the hard thing, in response to a circumstance without complaint or the need for negotiation with the self.

All this is to say, it’s getting easier to rise and enjoy my mornings again. This is a sure sign of healing and a welcome return to a part of myself I can recognize and cling to in these hard times. It’s a small thing for most, but for me, any small peace whether found in time, space, or the heart, is crucial.