If We Were Having Coffee // I Could Only Do So Much

Hello dear readers! Happy Sunday and welcome. Thank you for stopping by for a bit of caffeine and catching up.

We’re having afternoon rather than morning coffee this week because I’m being lazy and moving slow today. I’m feeling unmotivated and easily distracted but not necessarily in a bad way. I’m doing something like productive procrastination. It’s one of those days where you catch up on podcasts, update blog things, and browse the work of others looking for new ideas and ways of doing things. It’s the kind of day you spend doing important things that never feel very important when you have the energy to do the work.

But I’ve had a cup or two of cold brew by now and I’m feeling a lot more social than when I first woke up. So, please, pull up and chair and fill up a cup. Let’s talk about last week.

“I used that black magical elixir as amulet against all bad things and thoughts for that day. On the other hand, it was a liquid talisman for everybody else, to save them from being strangled by me.”

Mladen Đorđević, Svetioničar – Vesnici oluje

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that this week was a long one. I knew it was going to be a busy one, but it still was more than I had expected. Monday was just about the only day I had any free time for me—for reading, for writing, for learning. I did my best to make the most of it but it never works out that my want to be productive and my ability to be productive coincide. I tried, though I admit, not my best.

The rest of the week I was busy either on my route, training new employees or moving more things from my old workspace to my the new building across the parking lot. I did my best to be enthusiastic but fatigue hit me hard this week. Between the gloomy weather we’ve been having, the lack of sleep I’ve been getting, and the new and mysterious pain radiating through my lower back I could only do so much. I was grouchy, distant, and irritable.

By Friday I was on the verge of an unprofessional outburst so I planned to spend the day hiding behind my desk avoiding eye contact and social interaction but the shift to warmer and sunnier weather and the fact that most of my coworkers had the day off resulted in a mood shift for the better. I actually laughed and worked well into overtime without once feeling resentful or tired. It was the most Friday like Friday I’ve had in a long time.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that the mood slump meant very little wedding planning got done too. I know that I am procrastinating because I am panicking but no matter how much I try to pull myself out of my fear and my worry I just can’t seem to get it together. I spent the day organizing my to-do list and setting some goal to meet before the end of the week.

I have to find a place to get my suit tailored. I know alterations can take weeks to months to complete and I only have 2 1/2 months left to go. The main thing holding me back is not knowing where to start my search and my fear of being turned away because I’m a queer woman.

I also have to start writing up our officiant’s ceremony script and outlining our custom vows. My cousin, the one who introduced us nearly 17 years ago, is going to be the one to marry us, but she has never officiated a wedding before and I know if I don’t get her a script soon she is going to start freaking out.

Additionally, I have to send back our custom engagement rings to be resized. We got them in the mail over a week ago and we love them so much but sadly both are about one size too big. We hate to part with them and we’re worried something will go wrong along the way and we won’t have them in time for the big day. I also have to send back a suit I ordered that just didn’t work.

And finally, I am going to design some very simple table numbers, menu cars, bar signs, and seating cards for the reception. Whew!

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that I have no idea what the coming week will bring. I’m hoping for a break. I’m hoping for just a few small projects and the flexibility and freedom to do them while I write, or read, or catch up on a few lessons. I’m hoping for low expectations but my hopes aren’t too high.

We’re getting closer and closer to the end of the school year and that means all the big projects have to be wrapped up, the buses and the terminals have to be cleaned, and all the equipment needs to be returned. It means we have to get ready to shift to summer quite quickly. People forget there are still a lot of kids who attend classes and programs during the summer months.

We all have to bid new routes or find alternative sources of income until August. It’s always a stressful time for those who work in school transportation because we aren’t guaranteed work and thus, not guaranteed an income.

I’m one of the lucky ones. Not only do I have high seniority but I also have the ability to work in other departments. I typically give up my summer route slot and opt to work cleaning equipment and training other employees so that someone below me might get work they otherwise wouldn’t. Still, I’m just as anxious as anyone else. There are no guarantees for me either.

Next week between wedding planning, writing, and my usual work, I have to make a little time to get a jump on cleaning my bus and getting ready for the work I will do through August. My bosses like to have a list of projects my team and I will complete to justify the hours we’ll be paid.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that between the work and the wedding and the writing I am trying to enjoy the changing season too. The cherry blossoms are blooming beautifully everywhere I turn and their fragrance is simply divine! We’ve had a lot of gloomy rainy weather lately but when the sun comes out, it’s really something. Everything changes in me and the world seems suddenly worth exploring again.

Sadly, we are looking at another week of clouds and rain (and maybe even a bit of snow!) but it’s okay. I know summer is almost here. I know the heat and the thunderstorms are on the way. I know there will be warm mornings in which to jog and sweltering nights to spend on the patios of bars. I’m only sad it’s taking so long to get here, but it’s getting here, and I can wait.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that the sun is low in the west and the time to switch from coffee to alcohol has come. It’s time to start dinner and to finish up the chores too. We’re having fish tacos and a nice dry apple cider for dinner tonight in celebration of the fourth episode of Game of Thrones tonight. I cannot wait!

I hope that you had a good week. I hope that you felt well both physically and emotionally and that the world didn’t place more upon your shoulders than you could carry. I hope you got to feel the sun on your face and that the coming week will be better than the last in all the ways you need it to be.

Until next time. 

Written for the #WeekendCoffeeShare link-up hosted by Eclectic Alli.

Photo via Negative Space

Published by

Lisa Marie Blair

Painfully aware. Profoundly afraid. Perpetually falling in and out of love with humanity. She/They.