Back on My Bullshit

’96 Bulls // Kota the Friend

Back on my bullshit, I was down bad
They was kickin’ me when I was on my ass
Now I’m back on my bullshit, every day, I grow
Meditatin’ on the bluff when I’m low
Said I’m back on my bullshit, dealin’ with the shame
Let it go and told the devil get away
Now I’m back on my bullshit, glad I made it home
I was low but you know I never fold, bitch, yeah

287 // Carry the Burden

This morning was hard, but not nearly as hard as last night.

Some stories aren’t mine to share but what I can say is that having a loved one diagnosed with a severe mental illness can be confusing, frustrating, chaotic, terrifying, and, at times, traumatic. It’s hard to see someone you love hurting so, to see them carrying such a heavy burden. It’s hard not being able to do more than listen and support.

I want to carry the burden for a while. I want to take the pain away.

It’s hard to contend with the disturbing fact that you want to control another person and the reality that you never can. I understand the importance of autonomy and respect that this is their journey to grow through, but I can’t shake the desire to take away their choice just so I can keep them safe. Just so I can ease my hurt a little while.

For now, for me, all isn’t right, but all is better, and some days that has to be enough. Today, it will be enough to simply survive—for all of us.

At least there is comfort in these October clouds and my routine, though physically demanding, will be a welcome escape. I’m trying to remember there are good things happening. I just wish they didn’t feel so far away. There has been more time to call my own this week though I haven’t used it as productively as I’d hoped. It’s ok. Today is a new day and all stressors aside, I can still start again. I’ve already started here.

282 // The Feeling of Fall

The feeling of fall has crept in through the cracks overnight and we woke with the late sun to chilly air and the urge to stay in bed all day. A day of rest sounds nice in theory, but deep down I know it’s not what I really want. I miss the summer mornings when it was easier to begin. When the sun started early with you and made you feel that the day ahead was so full of excitement and possibility.

These past weeks since summer’s end have been so calm, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Truthfully, I need the peace too. Fall mornings are for slowing down and keeping your expectations low. Fall mornings come complete with permission to do as little as you want.

I’m using this morning to catch up on old news and saved articles. I’m organizing all my bookmarks and notes from across platforms and devices to construct a coherent timeline of thought and interest into posts and threads of possibility. My journals are out and I have plans to get to them sometime this early afternoon.

I won’t have the whole day to myself. This evening I’m celebrating my second nephew’s 3rd birthday and it will be time to get ready before I know it I’m sure.

I’m excited to see family though and to celebrate such a special boy. It’s hard to believe he is already so old and somehow to believe he’s still so young too. Over these years, he has grown and changed so much both physically and intellectually that in my mind’s eye he’s pushing five or six instead. He’s got good parents and his big sister has helped along the way too. He’s smart and kind, full of energy and so very brave. I can’t wait to see how much more he grows between now and his next birthday.

Tonight I’m resting. I have plans for scary movies and a few small glasses of wine for my wife and me. Neither of us is feeling great today, which might explain the lethargic leanings this morning and not the season or the sun at all.