188 // I’m Ready, I Think

13 days left! Less than two weeks now.

Today was a strange day. I got to witness the Colorado Renaissance Festival and though I found it impressive and charming, I also found it to be bat shit insane. I’m glad I went, but I’m confident I will never have to go again in my life.

I had no time to write again today, and I doubt I will for the foreseeable future. No coffee share post this week and next week is even more questionable.  I’ll simply say now that the week was long but good, and the weekend was even better, almost perfect. We’re still working hard to plan and on top of the wedding, there are more big changes to come. Big changes that are both good and bad, or rather scary. Big changes I can’t talk about, yet.

This week will be stressful. I’ve known that for a long time and accepted it. I’ve accepted there will be sleepless nights, worn nerves, and even a few angry blow ups and lots and lots of tears. I’m ready, I think.



181 // Self-Care Sunday

I can hear the fireworks going off around the neighborhood again. I guess it’s that time of year. I haven’t been sleeping well lately and between the sudden summer heat and the nightly displays of patriotism, I’m sure I won’t sleep well again until August…

I’ve decided not to go into work tomorrow since we have the walkthrough and it’s easier to stay home than to rush home for the dog beforehand. I want to stay up late since I know I don’t have to get up early but I’m trying to be mindful of what my body needs and to practice self-care while my stress levels are so high. I’m leading by example and by need. The stress is affecting our health and it would be a shame to end up in the ER or to rack up any medical bills before the big day.

So, it’s back to basics. We’re going to bed on time, drinking lots of water, meditating, and going for walks. We’re eating meals, eliminating snacks, and getting away from the T.V. more. We’re holding each other accountable to prevent procrastination and guilt. We’re looking out for each other, being patient with ourselves, and accepting what is out of our control.

If We Were Having Coffee // Pretty Much Panicking

Hello dear readers! Happy Sunday and welcome. Thank you for stopping by for a bit of caffeine and catching up.

We’re meeting for afternoon coffee today. I was up early this morning but we had to head out soon after to meet with our wedding planner and a potential D.J. and after we met with my future mother-in-law to go over decor and flowers. It was a stressful morning, but good too. We got another thing or two knocked off of the to-do list, though 4 or 5 more were added in the process, sigh.

But we’re home now and for now, we’re resting, physically and mentally. The clouds are rolling in and there’s finally a breeze blowing through the windows. I’m ready for my second cup of coffee for the day.

So, please, pull up a chair and fill up a cup. Summer has finally arrived so we’re strictly drinking cold brew over ice in this house and will be through August. Let’s talk about last week!

“We want to do a lot of stuff; we’re not in great shape. We didn’t get a good night’s sleep. We’re a little depressed. Coffee solves all these problems in one delightful little cup.”

— Jerry Seinfeld

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that the last day of the month has snuck up on me and it seems everyone else too. Suddenly summer break is half over and suddenly there seems to be so much to do.

To be honest, though, I’m very much ready for July. Throughout the year there are many new beginnings, especially when you work for a school district and though the kids won’t return for over a month more, July 1st is our technical turn over to the new school year. I’m ready for another beginning especially after a month where I felt as exhausted and over it all as I did this past June, especially this past week.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that I was busier this past week at work than I have in any week I can remember.

This past week my training team and I were tasked with teaching not just the hands-on/equipment side of things, but also the classroom/policy side of things as well. So instead of working with a new group of employees for 3 hours a day, we did 7. We had to learn or make up much of the teaching process as we went along and to schedule and assign work on the fly. I think we did well considering the difficulty and our inexperience and I am proud of us all for being able to keep our tempers in check and to laugh the most frustrating aspects of the week away.

At the end of July we have another class as well and though no one has asked us to teach the classroom side again, we all are willing to volunteer to go through all of this frustration again not because we particularly enjoyed it, but because we think we may just be good at it and because what we teach makes a difference in the world. We want to do it because it feels good, and the truth is not many people can say that about the work that they do.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that though this week was a stressful one it felt like the last easy week, we’ll have before things get really stressful. After today the wedding will no longer be “in July” it will be “this month”. In just a few weeks I’ll have a new name. In a few weeks, I’ll have to check a different box when asked about my marital status. Soon I will be answering to Mrs. and referring to my girlfriend, finally, as my wife.

This week we worked out a lot of little things, and a couple of big things too, but no matter how much we do there is always so much more left to decide and to plan. We’re pretty much panicking at this point, but we’re trying to remember that no matter what it’s going to be beautiful and no matter what, we will be together through it all.

This week we have a big walkthrough day scheduled for the reception space with both the caterer and our planner which I am so nervous about. I just feel like I have no idea what I am doing. I don’t know what to ask, or what to request, or what I want at all. I feel like other people, mostly strangers trying to make money, are the ones I have to listen to and it’s too late to ask for more time to think. Still, having those who know in the room is comforting too. The weight of responsibility on my chest is lifted even if the one on my wallet remains.

We’re also finalizing my attire and making sure everyone else has theirs too, and getting our music selections figured out. I mentioned we met with the D.J. and with just weeks left to go we want to make sure he has the best chance to make our lives easier on the big day and that means sitting down and deciding, finally, on the songs that will mark the most important moments of our lives.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that one of our biggest wedding worries was what to do with our dog. I had hoped she could be part of the wedding but because we opted for an indoor reception, we just couldn’t make it work. So we found a place for her to stay that had lots of room to play and live webcams for us to watch her while we were away, the only problem was she had to do an interview day and meet all the socialization requirements to be accepted and Lola has never been very good about meeting new people in unfamiliar places.

I worried that she would hate it or worse, bite someone or one of the other dogs and they wouldn’t accept her but she did no such thing at all. In fact, even though she was very nervous and not much in the mood to play with other dogs, she took to the trainers very well and spent the day following the humans around and doing her own thing. She passed her interview day with flying colors and has been cleared to attend day camp with the other dogs and to spend the night there whenever we need. I am so proud of her!

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that I while I had hoped to have my first essay for my “essay a week” project all typed, edited, and ready to post, it looks like I may have failed before I could even begin.

Technically, I haven’t since my goal was to post a piece for the first week of July and since the first week of July technically begins tomorrow, I technically have 7 more days to get it together. I have a topic, and a few quotes and questions to answer, I just haven’t had the time to write. I haven’t gotten my ass in the chair to get it down on paper, yet.

I’m taking tomorrow off, and my goal is to wake up early and begin, and go one until I feel I have something I can mold into a final piece. My goal is to have typed between 2,000 and 4,000 unedited words by the end of the day. I don’t think it’s too much to ask from myself. 

I know that it isn’t just other obligations, or even exhaustion holding me back. Sometimes even when a project excites you, it can still terrify you too. I’m afraid to fail or to say something stupid. I’m afraid of finding out I’m no good, or of having nothing useful or interesting to say, but I’m trying to remind myself that writing is not something I do for others. I would write—and do write!—even if no one will ever read anything I say. I write because I just like to write and I am writing essays because I just enjoy writing essays, that is all and there never needs to be any more to it for me to go on.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that dark clouds overhead and the rolling thunder I hear in the distance, the storms that roll in so regular this time of year you can tell the time them, lets me know that the evening has begun. It’s time for dinner, and our Sunday night shows. It’s time to enjoy what’s left of my weekend and to get ready for Monday.

I hope you had a good week. I hope that you are coping with the summer heat and that you found some time for fun and sun. I hope that the middle of the year will find you well tomorrow and that you can let go of whatever was holding you down and holding you back in the first half of 2019.

Thank you for chatting, for being an ear, a shoulder, and a sounding board.

Until next time. 

Written for the #WeekendCoffeeShare link-up hosted by Eclectic Alli.

Photo by Joanna Kosinska on Unsplash

If We Were Having Coffee // Retreating from the World

Hello dear readers! Happy Sunday and welcome. Thank you for stopping by for a bit of caffeine and catching up.

I’m up later than usual today having forgotten to turn my weekend alarms on but my mood is at least much improved and I have more energy and feel more motivated than I have in many many days. So, though I don’t plan to leave the house today I still have a busy day ahead. My house desperately needs cleaning and I have more wedding things plan, and, when there is time, I’d like to write something and make time for some self-care things too. It feels good to want to do things again and coffee is only helping. Today is a good day.

So, please, pull up a chair and fill up a cup. The temperature outside isn’t very summer-like (and hasn’t been all week) but I like to pretend so I’ve got the drapes open and the heat turned up, and we have a strong cold brew and vanilla soy milk over lots of ice to complete the illusion. Let’s talk about last week!

“I decide to turn to my old faithful solution to all that is wrong in life. Coffee.

— Lisa Renee Jones, If I Were You

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that this past week was another long one. Work wasn’t bad or anything it was just busy. In fact, I was reminded that having to do something isn’t always a bad thing. Sometimes the thing you have to do, even if it’s a work thing, even if it’s with coworkers, and even if it’s not exactly what you would choose to be doing, it can still be fun, if you let it.

This week my whole team got together including the other trainers from the other terminals to prepare for our first time training a class all on our own. We’re all very nervous, especially me, but I’m trying to remember that I am a professional, I am knowledgeable; I am quick thinking, flexible, and fully capable of teaching others. Plus, I will have help. It won’t all come down to just me and that even if I were to mess it up completely, I will still get through it and everything will be just fine.

The good thing is I won’t be alone and it won’t all come down to just me. The other good thing is we are all well prepared. We spent at least three hours a day for three days going through the PowerPoint presentation we are going to give. Our biggest problem won’t be what to teach or even how to teach it, but how to fill up a week’s worth of hours when what we teach only takes a couple of days. Luckily, I may have found help for that too and if everything works out, there will be other trainers to take over and I’ll get to spend my afternoons relaxing.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that this week had some sad moments too. My very favorite boss (and one of my very closest friends) found a new job in a place he hopes will leave him feeling less stressed and more appreciated at the end of the day. I’m happy for him but it’s going to be hard not seeing his face every day. He made the place feel like a home away from home and had a way of putting a smile on everyone’s face. He made us want to be a team.

Lately, it seems like everyone is leaving. I’ve been at this job for close to 13 years now and I used to walk in and see the same faces day after day year after year, but now I walk in and everyone is new. Now I walk in and I’m the “old timer”. I start to wonder if I should leave too. I have no real reason to except to seek out more pay but I wonder if it might be nice to be a newbie again somewhere else. I wonder if it might feel good to begin again and not be so known. 

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that this weekend I had no plans at all. There are a few small errands to run and some wedding decisions to make but for now, we are taking it easy.

The highlight was Friday night when my wife to be and I spent the evening at my second suit fitting—which went wonderfully!—and reconnecting over spontaneous and much-needed dinner and a movie date night. We ate at the Whole Foods buffet and saw the new zombie comedy The Dead Don’t Die. The movie wasn’t bad, it just wasn’t for me, and it didn’t help that we had bad seats, but it did help that we had a few cocktails. 

I spent most of the weekend retreating from the world and resting. I’ve been struggling with fatigue for weeks now and as this past week was the worst I have ever been. I never felt rested and having to work through it made me irritable and sensitive. Every day after work I would come home with big plans and to-do list and every day I found myself curled up on the couch napping with the dog sometimes for hours. 

I’m not sure what is causing it. It’s either a side effect of my medication or an ulcerative colitis flare rearing its ugly head because I have been too inconsistent with my medication. It’s hard to remember to take so many pills throughout the day, you know? This week I’m going to try harder though. I can’t get better if I don’t start by taking my care seriously, and only after I am following doctor’s orders to a T can I begin to tweak the regimen.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that besides my very busy and very nerve-wracking work week, I’m looking forward to finding time to write and to read. I’ve fallen very far behind in my 2019 reading goals and though I’m not sure that I can make it up, I still want to get my ass in gear and try. It would help if I would start carrying my book with me wherever I go again and if I would make time before bed for a few pages at the least. 

Writing-wise I am hoping to get the first essay in my new essay a week project drafted. I will be honest with you though, the chances of me beginning on time are pretty slim. I have been procrastinating and whenever I sit down to begin; I feel lost. I’m trying to remember that this is supposed to be fun. I’m trying to remember it doesn’t have to be perfect. I think once I start it’ll get easier but we both know that the first post, the first page, the first of anything comes with the highest expectations.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that while I am enjoying this time to chat with you, I can feel that fatigue creeping on again. If I want to get a cat nap in before it’s time to cook, to watch my Sunday shows, to get ready for the week and to get to bed on time I had better go now. 

I hope you had a great week. I hope that you are feeling well and taking time to take care of yourself. I hope that wherever you are summer has really begun and that you have gotten out to see the sun and breath some fresh air. 

Thank you for chatting, for being an ear, a shoulder, and a sounding board.

Until next time. 

Written for the #WeekendCoffeeShare link-up hosted by Eclectic Alli.

Photo by Alex Loup on Unsplash

If We Were Having Coffee // A Thing You Give Away

Hello dear readers! Happy Sunday and welcome. Thank you for stopping by for a bit of caffeine and catching up.

I’ll be honest with you, after a late night out last night, I am moving terribly slow today. I’m proud of myself for rising before 10:00 AM and further for getting a couple of things cleaned up around the house, though not as much as a typical Sunday for me. In my defense, it is also Father’s day and since we’ll be heading to my fiance’s parent’s house for the day I am rather limited on time. Considering all that, I’m doing pretty good!

But, quickly now, pull up a chair and fill up a cup. The weather is feeling much more summer-like than the last few weeks and I got a big strong batch of cold brew that will go perfectly with the late spring breeze coming in through every window. Let’s talk about last week.

but isn’t there always
one good thing
to look back on?

think of
how many cups of coffee we
drank together.”

— Charles Bukowski, Sifting Through the Madness for the Word, the Line, the Way

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that this past week was such a very long one. I worked my usual hours at my usual location two days this week but I also took three days of classes at a conference I was invited too.

The conference wasn’t at all what I expected or hoped it to be and next year, if I am invited back again, I will opt to take very different classes than I did this time around. It wasn’t that they were boring, uninformative, nor were the instructors ill-prepared or incorrect on any point. The problem was, I knew all the information I was presented with already. I’d been learning it, and teaching it for years myself. I had hoped to learn something new. I was hoping for a challenge, a mind shift, an Aha! moment, something to bring back to my team that would enhance or add to what we already do, but I found nothing like that at all.

I did appreciate the refresher though and two of the instructors I had differed greatly from one another and helped me clarify my own training philosophies and techniques either in agreement or in staunch opposition with theirs. And if nothing else I at least enjoyed the change of pace and I was grateful and honored to be chosen as important enough to attend by my own district.

By Friday I was exhausted, physically and emotionally. Many of my coworkers attended the conference along with me and some of them had very different ideas about what our purpose and place there was. There were moments when I was frustrated and moments where I felt embarrassed. I was a hard week and I am glad it is finally behind me!

If we were having coffee, I would tell you this weekend is a very special and a very busy one too.

Friday night after work my wife to be and I spent the evening watching movies, painting our nails, doing face masks, eating breakfast tacos and doing shots of tequila together to kick off Denver’s Pridefest weekend. The week had been hard on both of us and we needed a little self-care, a chance to blow off steam, and a moment to celebrate ourselves!

Saturday we were up early, more self care more taking time to be with each other and to breathe. We walked to the light rail station and headed downtown in the early afternoon to meet our very best gay friends for a day and night on the town.

The day was a perfect one, too hot at first but it quickly cooled down just enough to make us really appreciate the contrast. We walked for hours buying or winning special rainbow edition merch and sharing gourmet grilled cheese sandwiches and cans of beer. We had burgers and cocktails for dinner and enjoyed a game of drag queen bingo where both my fiance and I won even more special edition rainbow merch to take home.

Last night we partied. We danced and drank, playing jumbo versions of Jenga and Connect Four, and just enjoyed being a part of our community. I’ll be honest, I may have enjoyed it a little more than I should have and I am feeling it this morning. I don’t regret a single thing.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that wedding planning is still moving ahead steadily but we are definitely feeling the time crunch. We’ve just over one month to go now and it seems like no matter how much we check off the to-do list there is always more and more left to go. We are over it!

I’ve said it plenty of times here but we really just want to be married already. We want to be a married couple and that is it. The more we do, and decide, and spend for this event the more I realize that the cliched “it’s your wedding” response to any complaint or frustration is a lie, or at best, a half-truth. It is my wedding but I no longer believe it is for me.

That isn’t a bad thing, though. A wedding, I’ve come to believe, is a gift instead. A gift you pick out, sure, a gift that tells your unique story, sure, but a gift nonetheless, a thing you give away.

This day is for my guests, and our community, our friends and family and supporters. This is how we say thank you, how we show our appreciation, and how we give something back. That is why I feel so much pressure and why I am willing to do so much just to say I do, I want to give back something truly thoughtful and beautiful.

This week we’re going to just keep on matching forward the best we can. We have a lot of little loose ends to tie up over transportation and attire and we have to get going on some of the big DIY projects. We’re also going to apply for our marriage license this week!

If we were having coffee I would tell you that, work wise, next week will be the last easy one before a very hard one I’ve been dreading since school ended. The week after this all my bosses will be off and it will be up to me and my team to teach a new class of employees. I’m beyond terrified but my team is eager to step up and I’m hoping that means at least an even distribution of teaching time.

Writing wise I’m going to start fleshing out some essay ideas I put together last week and working on the execution of my creative project. I found a neat little instructional article on how to write a 3,000 word essay in a day and though I don’t plan to write them all in a day (some I’m sure will be impacted by my chronic procrastination) I thought the step-by-step process could benefit me over the course of days and help me keep going and keep up with my goal.

I’m also getting back to my MOOCs and promising myself to make some reading progress. I know that after this week I may have to scale back again to make room for wedding things as the date draws closer and for work things as we get closer to the end of the summer.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that there are dark clouds on the horizon and good smells coming from the kitchen which lets me know it’s getting late and time for me to go be with family.

I hope you had a great week and that you were able to find the balance between the work you must do for others and the work you must do for yourself. I want to wish all the dad’s out there a happy Father’s Day too. I hope you feel loved and celebrated today.

Thank you for chatting, for being an ear, a shoulder, and a sounding board.

Until next time. 

Written for the #WeekendCoffeeShare link-up hosted by Eclectic Alli.

Photo by Gaby Baldiskaite on Unsplash

If We Were Having Coffee // Celebrate Your Beautiful Selves

Hello dear readers! Happy Sunday and welcome. Thank you for stopping by for a bit of caffeine and catching up.

I’m sorry for the late meeting but I had some early wedding things to do and pressing preparations to make for our upcoming Pridefest plans. After I got home from the appointments, shopping, and family visits I inadvertently fell asleep for over an hour. When I woke up (with a headache, a stomachache, and some doubts about what time or day it was) cooking dinner was out of the question. So, there was a quick run for beer and hot wings and then a new episode of HBO’s Big Little Lies, and now I am finally ready for a small cup of strong coffee and a bit of vanilla bean ice cream to go with.

So, quickly now, pull up a chair and fill up a cup. I’ve got a gorgeous new white moka pot I’ve been experimenting with and I think I finally have the right technique down. Let’s talk about last week.

“Black as night, sweet as sin.”

— Neil Gaiman, Anansi Boys

If we were having coffee I would apologize for missing our chat last Sunday. I’ll be honest with you, I have no good excuse for not being here. I didn’t have any critical commitments, and I wasn’t at all sick. I just haven’t been feeling like myself lately.

For the past couple of weeks, I’ve been feeling unmotivated and irritated. I’ve felt really tired and doing anything, even the things I love, got harder and harder to do as the days wore on. Last Sunday, no matter how hard I tried I just couldn’t get up the motivation to finish typing up the post no matter how much I wanted to and I promise you I wanted to very much.

The problem is fatigue. I feel a strange exhaustion in my limbs and behind my eyes that I just can’t shake. Though it’s true, I haven’t been sleeping well I know that this kind of tired needs more than a good night’s rest. I think my medicine, though it’s working and keeping my ulcerative colitis in remission, is also making me feel rather cruddy.

My doctor mentioned months ago exploring the idea of lowering the dose of one medication and I’ve noticed many in my IBD support groups going down to a lower dose on the second medication I’m on. I think it’s time I put my anxiety aside and ask her to consider the option. I’d love to find out who I am with less of this stuff in my body.

If we were having coffee, I would lighten the mood and tell you that this weekend marks the beginning of a very important month for me, pride month! This year’s pride marks 50 years since the Stonewall riots in New York City and the beginning of the LGBT Rights movement in the United States.

Most years we either do a night out with friends or catch the parade just the two of us but this year we are going to do it all. This year we’ll visit the festival during the day to check out some shows, and then head to our favorite LGBT friendly restaurant for burgers and beers. That evening we’re going to get some much-needed dancing and drinking in. On Sunday we may meet late again since I’ll be up early for the parade and brunch, the gayest meal of the day. I have a new outfit and a great and diverse group of friends to celebrate my beautiful self with. I cannot wait!

The rest of the day will be devoted to dads though we’ve made no concrete Father’s Day plans or gifts. I’ve been so last minute on everything this year, sigh. 

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that wedding planning is going well. We got a few more of our decor items in the mail and many of my accessories are on the way. We got the budget under control and we found out that we may have a few extra dollars in the savings to splurge in new areas we thought we couldn’t. We may get to have a real DJ and a couple nights at an Airbnb nearby. 

Today’s visit with the photographer went really well! This was the first time we met her and we already like her. She seems to understand what we want, and she’s flexible enough to deal with our indecision. We have yet to meet the second photographer but just knowing we have her and our amazing planner has me breathing a big sigh of relief. 

The big issues now are transportation—of us and of all the pretty decor things we have made—and that serious lack of guests RSVPing. I’m almost hurt. I am hurt, but we have a few friends we had to leave out due to the venue capacities that might want to make it. I wonder what my relationship with those who declined will be like after the big day, after the most important day and they didn’t show up.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that the coming week will be a busy one. I’m attending another conference though only for three days this time. I’m looking forward to it but because my job sent nearly everyone in our department it feels a little pointless for me to be there, but what do I care? I get paid by the hour and this is at least a chance to do something new.

The only drawback is that I won’t be getting home as early as I was and writing and reading time will take a significant hit. Not that I have been doing a great job lately, anyway. I have been cleaning up my Simplenote app and organizing some of my old ideas into new possibilities. I’ve decided to start an essay a week project in July and without a good place to keep things organized and to hold my thoughts as they occur to me I know I’m doomed to fail.

I don’t know yet if every essay will be posted here, or if I want to write some for Zen and Pi, my old blog I’ve been trying to work out how to revive, or if they will be pitched to other publications. My instincts tell me that for now, these pieces are going to suck and this place is where I give myself permission to suck.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that as much as I love chatting with you here it is getting late and if I want to have any chance of a good night’s sleep and any hope of a good morning I had better head to bed. 

I hope that you had a good week and that whatever you hoped to get done you were able. I hope you found time for yourself and that some of that weight you carry has been lifted somehow. I hope all my queer readers stay safe and I hope wherever you are you are able to celebrate your beautiful self soon too.

Thank you for chatting, for being an ear, a shoulder, and a sounding board.

Until next time. 

Written for the #WeekendCoffeeShare link-up hosted by Eclectic Alli.

Featured image via domestikate

If We Were Having Coffee // A Late Night Cup

Hello dear readers! Happy Sunday and welcome. Thank you for stopping by for a bit of caffeine and catching up.

I’m feeling good today but I’m moving slow, which isn’t terribly unusual, but I’m even slower than most slow Sundays. I haven’t been able to muster up the motivation to do much more than work on easy wedding things or to walk to and from the kitchen for snacks. I’m struggling to write or to focus enough to read. I loath to open Coursera and finish my overdue assignments there.

Today was my day. I had nothing pressing to do and nowhere at all I had to be but instead of doing all the things I’d been wanting to do, I simply did nothing at all and now I’m just disappointed.

But maybe coffee and good conversation will help? If it isn’t too late. The sun has gone down but the air outside is warm and the smell of rain still ingers from tonights thunderstorm. You can still hear it rumbling in the distance to the east if you listen closely. Pull up a chair, and fill up a cup, I’ve got some nice dark rum if your interested in spicing up your cup. Let’s talk about last week.

I was feeling very comfortable; the coffee had warmed me up, and through the open door came scents of flowers and breaths of cool night air.

— Albert Camus

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that last week was a long time coming. It was the end of the 2018-2019 conventional school year. It was a chaotic and stressful week, and the weather being so cold and dreary didn’t help matters, but underneath all that anxiety and low spirits there was a sense of anticipation too.

Even though many of us will have to work through the summer the excitement of the children looking forward to long days of sleeping, swimming, eating, playing video games and going on trips rubs off on us and we find ourselves agitated and eager right along with them.

I had two kids graduate this year. One I’ve only known for one year and who only rode the bus half the time. I wished him luck and he thanked me in turn and left. It wasn’t an emotional affair. The other I have been transporting for 2 years and we’d grown close. It was a very different goodbye. I’m happy he’s moving on and glad to know he’s more excited than sad, but this route (which I hope to have for a thrid year in a row) just won’t be the same without him.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that I went in for my second suit fitting yesterday and I was very pleased with the alterations. I no longer look like a child wearing her father’s suit. I look the way I imagine myself in my mind. I looked like who I really am. My fiance really liked it too which means more to me than anyone else’s opinion, often even my own.

I almost wish I’d done like her and kept my suit secret the way she has her dress from me but I needed someone to be wit me and she was the only one I wanted with me through this process. So, instead, I’ll be surprising everyone else.

We worked on a few other wedding things this week too. Meeting with the wedding planner and receiving homework really helped get us back on track, though we’re already late finishing that too. We do have our photographer checklist completed and we might have chosen a dessert alternative though I’m still worried about guest reaction to not having cake. We’ve finished up the best man’s suit, got our signs and our chalkboard markers, and put together a vender list for the planner.

We’re going to try to get our budget up to date and work on some of the unexpected expenses that have come up because just holding figures in my head we’re either miraculously under budget with plenty of wiggle room left or I’m wrong, I’ve missed something, or miscalculated and we are wildly past what we were supposed to spend.

If we were having coffee I would tell you that other than the end of the school year, and wedding things, not much has been going on. Not much can go one when I’m feeling so exhausted, so stressed, and with my budget as tight as it has been.

It’s been hard to ask for help. I still haven’t and still don’t want to but I’m seeing more and more that help is necessary. The thing is, you only get to plan one wedding, if you’re lucky, and I just can’t imagine not being a part of every aspect of it. I can’t imagine leaving other people to decide what my day should look like.

But we have less than two months to go now and while our planner assures us that we are on track we feel like there is too much left to do and too little time left to do it in. The fact is I may have to ask for help. I may have to let go of controlling everything and getting exactly what I want and allowing space for people to show how much they care by incorporating their vision into my own.

I guess at the end of the day only one thing really matters, and it has nothing to do with decor, or dessert, or the order of events and everything to do with us finally become a legally recognized family and sharing our love and appreciation for one another and our loved ones.

I’m trying very hard to rememebr that, sigh.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that I long ago switched from coffee to wine and the change has done nothing but make me sluggish and tired. I can’t look at ceremony alters or think about what kind of photographs or what to put on the ceremony programs anymore. I can’t keep looking at these screens and if I want to get up at a decent time tomorrow I had better get to bed.

I hope that you had a good week and that you have a safe long weekend. I hope that your summer is off to a good start and that you have time to remember those who fought for you while you barbeque, and swim, and drink.

Thank you for chatting, for being an ear, a shoulder, and a sounding board.

Until next time. 

Written for the #WeekendCoffeeShare link-up hosted by Eclectic Alli.

Photo by Julien Labelle on Unsplash

146 // A Doing Nothing Day

I know I shouldn’t. I know it’s a bad idea and I know I’ll regret it later but I don’t care. I’m doing nothing today. I’m not going anywhere. I’m not cleaning anything. I’m not reading anything. I might not even write anything.

I’m going to sit on the couch and look at nothing but Twitter and Facebook. I’m going to eat all the snacks we have and take a nap when I run out. Later tonight I’ll still be on the couch but by then I’ll, hopefully, be sipping a tall glass of red wine while binge-watching whatever looks good on Netflix.

Recommendations welcome.

These entries are inspired by TDH.se

139 // It Builds Up

It was a good day. I accomplished a lot in the morning when my energy levels were boosted by my anxiety. In the afternoon I was disciplined and only allowed myself one TV show before returning to my creativity room to finish some blog things and make a new cut out poem, my first in a long time.

We made breakfast tacos for dinner and paired them with a nice red blend wine. The dinner and wine were supposed to compliment the last episode of Game of Thrones but I enjoyed the food much more than the show. The ending wasn’t bad, just boring.

I should be off to bed now, to get rested and ready for the week, buy I’m stalling. It’s like this every Sunday because I have a hard time letting go of the weekend. What does the work week have to offer that stands any chance against a Sunday of my own. Nothing at all.

If We Were Having Coffee // Better and Worse at Once

Hello dear readers! Happy Sunday and welcome. Thank you for stopping by for a bit of caffeine and catching up.

I’m up early this morning but not as early as I’d wanted to be. I’m up so I can write before the day gets away from me, but I’m not writing as well as I’d like to be either. I’m tired and feeling the pressure of a headache about to arrive. The weather is depressingly grey and I want to go back to bed but there is too much to do for that, so I’m in a bad mood.

Coffee helps though, and so does good conversation, so I’m here hoping to leave better than I came and able to be useful, and productive. So, please, pull up and chair and fill up a cup. Let’s talk about last week.

She was made mostly of coffee and empty spaces.

— Adelise M. Cullens, Dead Bunnies Make All Eight Of Me Cry

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that this week was a sunny and cheerful one. The rains of the week before gave way to summer-like sun and heat and every day felt like a Friday, a fact that sounded better than it felt. Perpetual Fridays lead to perpetual disappointment when you realize that you must still keep waking up and going to work the next day.

Still, the cheer was a nice change of pace. Our school year is ending in the coming week and we are all seeing the light, the relief, at the end of the tunnel.

My new office is no longer my fortress of solitude. We are all having to share and squeeze in for the summer as we move from two buildings to one while the main is being renovated. I love people, and my coworkers really can be great but being just to the introverted side of personality types means I get overwhelmed easily and need to retreat into quiet spaces to gather myself and correct my mood.

Unfortunately, it looks like I’ll be out of quiet spaces. I may have to substitute walks around the block on my breaks instead.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that my job is sending me to another conference this summer. I’m sort of regretting the classes I signed up for because just about everyone else from my department is taking the same classes and I won’t be able to bring anything new to the table. I think tomorrow I might talk to my boss and see if it isn’t too late to change.

I also got the news that I would be teaching a class of new employees on my own for a whole week. I can’t even find the words to express how nerve-wracking this is but I’m kind of looking forward to it too. I’ll have a team to help me out and if all goes well, then…they ‘ll probably ask me to do it again and again. Maybe this isn’t a good thing after all?

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that on Friday night I met with my family and some of our oldest and closest friends to celebrate my youngest sister’s high school graduation.

Her school is a small one, a place for teenagers who have for whatever reason fallen behind and need a calmer, more supportive place to catch up. For this reason, her graduation ceremony was a small one as well. Only some 30 students or so graduated and that meant a quicker and much more intimate and emotional affair.

It was beautiful and seeing my baby sis up there getting her recognition was a beautiful and bittersweet thing. For one, she is the last of us and with her all our childhoods end. The one who is keeping us young is growing up herself.

There’s also my own envy. I didn’t graduate from high school. There was no ceremony, no party, no gifts, and no shining pride from my parents. There was exasperation, disappointment, and resignation. I made my choices. I take responsibility for them as far as I can knowing I was a child with a child’s mind and lacking the support I craved but I wish I’d had what my sister had. A school to give me what I needed and a big sister like me to show the way.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that wedding planning is getting both better and worse at once and I expect the trend to continue through the big day and I’m just hoping that we get through before both of us snap.

Yesterday we met with our officiant as well and I was able to deliver the bare bones edits of a script I’d put together (and by “put together” I mean “copied from the internet and pasted into a Google document”). She seemed to like it and I’ve given her permission to edit it and add her own words wherever she wanted.

We met with the planner today and I’m so glad I hired her. I worried that since we had already done so much that the added expense wouldn’t be worth it, but just today we walked away with “homework”, or, as I saw it, “a direction”. I’d been feeling lost. I’d been feeling overwhelmed and clueless about how to move forward, and she didn’t just point the way, but she promises to light the path as well.

This week the goal is mostly information sharing. I’m going to organize everything I have already done and try to get it to the planner so she can begin where I have left off. The next goal is music. I had no idea there were so many things I needed to pick songs for! I also need to follow up about my suit, our rings, and a few returns we’ve made, inquire about the ring bearer’s suit, and get the sign maker (my little sister) started on her project.

I have a lot coming up at work, at home, and for the wedding, but I am trying to make time still for reading, writing, and blogging.

It was a bad reading week so we won’t even go there. It was kind of a bad writing week too because I was so easily distracted by the warm weather, my good mood, and my need to be with, talk with, laugh with, people. It was, I think a good blogging week if you take into account “behind the scenes” things. It was a good week for organizing, reviving, designing, and of gathering small sparks and starts.

I’m cleaning up Zen and Pi by taking the more personal posts I’d had over there and hiding them. Part of me wants to take them down and resurrect them here again but another part of me wants to leave this place pristine in its separation from those first attempts just as I am trying to separate myself from what I want Zen and Pi to be, now.

I have a vague idea of the kinds of pieces I want to write there and an even vaguer idea of what my intention and mission is, but it’s growing more concrete and exciting. I’m keeping my expectations small and easy, a bi-weekly schedule for now and no endgame in sight.

There’s no intention to make money, gain notoriety or authority. I’m even moving on from the hope of an eventual book. I just want to write, that’s all. I want to write about what I believe and share it and nothing more, for now.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that, if I want to have everything ready in time for the big Game of Thrones finale, I had better get going. I’ve got laundry, and dishes, and dinner, and a little cut-and-paste project I’ll post here later if I get around to actually making it, all before I can allow the weekend to end.

I hope that you had a good week. I hope it’s getting warm where you are and spring continues to give you what you need to grow, to bloom, to become what you will be this season.

Thank you for chatting, for being an ear, a shoulder, and a sounding board.

Until next time. 

Written for the #WeekendCoffeeShare link-up hosted by Eclectic Alli.

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash