141 // Where to Look

I woke up to a shocking amount of snow accumulation in front of my house and on my car. Around 7:00 last night I noticed the rain turning over to snow, and I noticed it wasn’t turning back, but it seemed to be letting up. I was sure that while the morning would be drab and cold, that’s the worst it would be. 

What I woke to was drab, cold, and about 4 or 5 inches of snow! There are downed tree limbs all over the city and a lot of exhaustion and frustration around my workplace. This is the last thing we needed to happen during the last week of school.

I’m struggling to keep my mood above professional. I’m struggling to be patient, open, and friendly. I’m struggling to be happy at all. I’ve just been so busy and there is always so much more to do, and on top of it all, I feel guilty because I know my fiance has it worse. Still, I’m feeling alone and angry and I don’t know how to get out of it or where to look for the good.

I’m trying not to force it. The fact is, I’m not happy right now and pretending to be won’t make it so. Instead, I’m just getting through it, which is fine. I don’t need, or even want to be happy all the time, but I do need to keep going. Maybe that is the small good I’m looking for? Maybe resilience is what I should cling to now?

P.S. We got homework from the wedding planner and a checklist to fill out for the photographers. It’s amazing and terrifying how quickly things are coming together. Just under two months left now!

Published by

Lisa Marie Blair

Painfully aware. Profoundly afraid. Perpetually falling in and out of love with humanity. She/They.

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