If We Were Having Coffee // Struggling to Balance

Hello dear readers! Happy Sunday and welcome. Thank you for stopping by for a bit of caffeine and catching up.

I’m up later than I hoped and very short on energy or perhaps motivation and passion are what I’m lacking. I’m like a zombie, up and moving but not motivated by much. No food looks good, nothing much sounds fun, even the idea of coffee is turning my stomach a bit, but I think the best way to crawl out of this funk is to do exactly all of those things that sound so hard to do right now. That means opening the curtains and letting the sun in, making breakfast, pouring a big cup of coffee and chatting with you. I know that’s what I need, even if my mind is right now trying to convince me otherwise.

Please, pull up a chair and fill up a cup. Summer seemed on her way out last week but today she has returned as strong as ever. I don’t mind though. I know once she makes way for autumn proper I’ll be miserable until spring. So today the widows are open to let the day’s heat waft in and warm the soul and we have a full carafe of cold brew already steeped. Let’s talk about last week!

“The early morning is too strong to drink straight, so I need to mix in a little coffee to be able to hold it down.”

— Jarod Kintz, This Book Has No Title


If we were having coffee, I would tell you that lately I have not been feeling great, either mentally or physically.

I’m pushing through though but struggling to balance the need to rest, to take it easy and to keep my stress levels low with the guilt of not working as much as I want to and the thrill of helping people, being important, respected, and part of something greater than myself.

I haven’t been mindful of the way I spend my time lately. I get caught up in the immediate and lose sight of my goals. The problem is, it’s easier to complete tasks at work than it is to write. So, this week I have a strict schedule with strict times for working and strict times for stopping. I have times for writing, and reading, and for when to watch TV and when not to. I’m trying to have faith in myself but I have a feeling the schedule will fall apart by mid-Monday.

The key to planning is not just what you write on paper or put in your calendar but how you prepare emotionally and I can tell you emotionally I am already in an anxious and avoident state. I already don’t want to do anything at all.


If we were having coffee, I would tell you that outside of work things have been quiet, a nice change from last week when things were not so much hectic as they were incredibly worrying.

I can’t get into it all because not all of it is mine to share but I will just say that being the oldest daughter in the family is hard. I feel responsible not only for all my younger siblings but for my parents too and quite unexpectedly the feeling only grows as we all get older. Half of my poor moods and cruddy feelings have to do with lack of sleep and energy spent on worry, worry, worry. I’m constantly trying to work out schemes and solutions to all their problems and at the end of the day I collapse into self-pity and worthlessness when I can’t fix all their problems.

It’s hard, but it isn’t all bad. I love my family and I truly feel honored to be looked to as not only a good example but as a source of knowledge and a comfort. I don’t feel resentful. I just wish there was more I could do.


If we were having coffee, I would tell you that I’ve been especially down and lazy all weekend. I had planned to go hiking this morning, but I never got my gear together and anyway, I stayed in bed far too late to go. I binged an entire season of a show all day yesterday and ate nothing but junk. I barely wrote anything, and I didn’t make any reading progress.

But, I am determined to turn the weekend around today. I’ve spent our whole chat telling you how bad things are but I have hope. Already today I have gotten so much cleaning done around the house and rather than spending my time on the couch I’m at my desk in my “creativity room” writing and catching up on my favorite podcasts, things I enjoy, things that make me feel better.

On my to-do list for the day is to finish this post, finish the housework, and then, to make something. I’ve been missing the meditative process of making cut out and cut up poems and I have been wanting for a long time to make some collage art too. I have a corner piled high with magazines and a tray of cut out scraps on the desk. I have new X-Acto blades and a new set of wireless headphone to tune the world out with.


If we were having coffee, I would tell you that this coming week will probably be a busy one. I have a doctor’s appointment this week to talk about my medicine dosages. I’ve been rushing back and forth from the lab and talking with pharmacy techs over the phone and it turns out the dose I am on come with significant risks. My doctor would like to see how I do on a lower dose since I have been stable and in remission for close to a year now, a course of action I fully support.

We have a new class of employees starting and although I am not scheduled to train them this week; I have a bad feeling I’ll be saddled with the work nonetheless. The bright side is I am in the market for a few hours a week of overtime and very willing to work if they are willing to pay.

This week my wife and I are also celebrating the birthdays of four family members between us, three of which are my siblings. My father-in-law and one of my brothers share one day, and two of my sisters, born years apart and to two different mothers, share another. We’ll be doing our best to get meaningful gifts in time and to spend time with the ones we can before the start of next week.


If we were having coffee, I would tell you that I am honestly feeing better already. Just getting everything off of my chest, and consuming two cups of cold brew, have definitely done the trick. I’d love to keep chatting but I think I’ve complained enough and I fear I I’ll find very little else good to say.

I hope you had a good week. I hope that wherever you are summer is hanging on and that you are able to find time to get out and enjoy the last of it. I hope you were able to accomplish something big and if you weren’t I hope you know you can always get up and try again. I hope you are taking care of you.

Thank you for chatting, for being an ear, a shoulder, and a sounding board.

Until next time. 


Written for the #WeekendCoffeeShare link-up hosted by Eclectic Alli.

Photo by Ali Yahya on Unsplash

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