179// No Pressure

Feeling better today, in some ways, a little worse in others. I can tell I’m slowly coming back from this UC flare but while some parts of my gut are healed other parts are still very inflamed and the pain though more localized is much sharper. Still, I’m happy to see any positive signs at all and I’m committed to continuing to rest, to take care of myself, and to go on getting better and better.

I had planned to spend time with my dad and my brother today, but that has been cancelled. It’s fine. I’d rather be home right now anyway, but now I’m unsure what to do with myself. I know what I should do: write, but I don’t know how to get in the right headspace when I feel so cruddy. I can manage a paragraph or two, I suppose. I think that’s all, and more than enough, I can ask of myself right now.

I could also read. I’ve fallen far behind where I should be or my reading goals this year and I desperately need to catch up. I have plenty of Penguin Little Black Classics to go and some new ebooks I downloaded for free from Verso books. I’m sure I could get through one or two of the former and make real progress through one of the later.

The main thing is there is no pressure today. A day off does nothing good for you if all you think about is what you should be doing instead. Then you either dwell on the guilt or avoid it by losing yourself in social media or mindless TV. When you get rid of the guilt, you are free to do what really feels good and right, not what helps you escape. That’s what today will be. No obligations and no guilt. Just what I really want to do.


Published by

Lisa Marie Blair

Painfully aware. Profoundly afraid. Perpetually falling in and out of love with humanity. She/They.

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